Existential Awakening

Hello,

I am a double major at university studying Molecular Biology and Philosophy with a concentration in Pre-Med working with genetic engineering researching the possibilities of CRISPR. I have been living with what I believe to be depression for two years now. I have not been diagnosed by a medical professional but even so I do not want to feel this way any longer. I have been seeing a counselor for a few weeks, but not much has happened there. So basically here's the story. I study life and knowledge. I understand the world on a deeper level than most people ever will. When I walk between classes on campus I think about the molecular composition of life around me and how it functions and how I am a product of seemingly random mechanisms of chaos operating over ~13.8b years leading to me right here a brilliant supercomputer born from the universe grown to ponder and understand it's very fabric. I have an understanding of space time and the bulk and boundary of quantum entanglement. I realize there is no God and that we God was created in our image. A figment of our imagination. Our imagination nothing but the the experience created by a vast network of neurons working as one mind - the construct of our supercomputer computations - to understand our place in the universe. I realize I am infinitesimally small but infinitely significant in the fact that I a human being. A true operator of the universe with more potential than any other arrangement of cosmic dust arguably in existence. But this potential is failing me every day of my life. Everyday that my heart beats I feel an emptiness in my mind and soul. I do not believe in soul, but I feel it's void. I do not think about what other people think about. I consider myself an enlightened being, but have no drive to realize my potential. I used to have a sense of humor. That is gone in the place of a sense of existence. Only the idea of my existence is challenged every day by the shear absurdity of my reality. Why am I here? What is my purpose? If the universe created me from nothing than I truly have no purpose. In that case I define my purpose with self improvement. The be the best individual I can be and to express my potential to its highest degree. I am held back by nothing but my self depreciating personality and societies norms. Society tells us to fit in and to be like everyone else but I am not like everyone else. I am unique and proud of it but I hide it in fear of judgement from my peers. When I speak of these thoughts I only receive blank stares and sometimes glares of offense for breaching a deeper meaning of our reality. People act like its a secret that we are higher beings and that we should go our entire lives living like everyone else. Don't ask questions, don't worry about your existence, just enjoy it. I can't. I can't find any enjoyment in a life without answers. Answers I realize do not exist. I live day to day morbidly depressed by my dissociation with society. I have a girlfriend! She is beautiful and brilliant and I do believe I love her. But I push her away, keeping my thoughts in my mind and saying few words to her or most others. I cannot communicate with people the way they do with each other. When I know it's my turn to talk I have nothing to say but a few jumbled formalities that dribble from my tongue without confidence. I'm an attractive person but can never convince myself anyone thinks more highly of me than a passing stranger. I have no deep connections outside my family and girlfriend and feel as though those are fading. I have pushed my friends away in favor of seclusion. My mind works just find in itself but when I try to communicate myself to others it hides. All of these thoughts either vanish or are repressed. I sit in silence in a conversation and listen until I am obligated to give a short response. I feel no joy anymore. I just want to be connected with my fellow humans. I want to feel their love. I want to discuss our existence and our potential and the universe. I give zero cares to the daily lives of others and care only for deeper meaning and understanding. I don't like small talk, but it is the farthest any of my conversations ever go. When I try to jump passed small talk I am met with resistance my all but the select few. I am mind blown by my very being, but feel worthless in shadow of society. I want to stand out and be acknowledged, but I cling to the sides of the room and hold tightly to myself as others dismiss me. I crave affection. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I want to be outwardly exbhuberant about my existence and find joy and happiness in this beautiful, impossible world. I want to appreciate myself and all others and share that appreciation with every human. We are amazing creatures living amazing lives and no one cares at all. I don't know what to do.

- Chris

You say you want to be connected with fellow humans. Yet you go on to say you give zero cares to the daily lives of others. I find your dissertation a bit lengthy and contradicting. If you crave affection you must start out by having more regard for your fellow human beings. Are you sure you want interaction with others because it does not sound like it. Perhaps you have disassociation disorder, detaching from others and that is part of your problem? I definetly would get a diagnosis because i think there is more than just depression going on here. I hear you saying there is no God. Yet others here would believe different, they have faith in a spiritual being that helps them live life. I want to be open minded so i will say please go to a therapist and work on these issues. And i wish you the best. A man cannot have friends unless he first makes himself friendly. And if you give zero cares to the daily lives of others than that is the resistance to your progress of moving forward. tc

Well....yeah.

It's obvious you're intelligent Chris, or, at the very least, a connoisseur of Woody Allen films (Annie Hall comes to mind; "He won't do his homework!" "The universe is expanding; what's the point?" "Brooklyn is not expanding. Do your homework!")

If all this (I.e. " existence") is just a random bit of neuron business, where does "love" come in? You admit to wanting love. But your description of life itself predilects a total randomness to everything, devoid of meaning. Where do you expect to pick up "love" in a world such as you describe? In fact, how would the concept even occur to you if we're all just clumps of dust, not sentient beings?

Maybe there is no God. Maybe there is no "soul". But the very fact that you are aware of and desire "love" shoots gaping holes in your own perception of what all there is to existence.

Ergo, something more than neuron placement and cleverly arranged "dust" must be at play (EXIST) on this earthly plane.

Maybe you're going too deep, man. Wade back out to knee-deep with the rest of us and splash around, play chicken, do some handstands in the water.

You stay at your level, you're liable to drown.

The Whole, in other words, is much greater than the sum of its parts.
None of us will ever have "the answers" to the "big question" of our existence. There are mysteries to live with and to share with others-----knowledge can expand or contract our world depending on how we make use of it----
You do have to be quiet in a real way (open, quiet, listening not just with your ears...using all senses) to be able to let others in, to connect.
And, no, I am lousy at that much of the time.......but the times I am good at that become truly the most precious of moments---those times when I Really hear another heart and mind beating on in spite of it all, and because of it all.
That moment is an Existential Awakening...it doesn't last but it is Central to life.

Thanks everyone for replying. This has given me a lot to think about. I would love to splash around in the shallow water with everyone else. This will be a challenge.

I think I need to clarify. Life over here in the knee-deep for many of us feels like neck deep.

As I said to my T a couple of weeks ago, "I don't have the rental space in my head to devote to existential angst. Not when I'm worried how I'm going to pay my bills, my physical health is in the toilet, I have virtually no friends where I live, etc"

I simply don't have the time to wonder "what is the meaning of life?" I'd venture to say many of us on this site feel that way.

That is to say, life's not a big bowl of cherries in the wading section.

Still, come by us and grab a hand or two: we're all doing our best to keep each other afloat.

Sending good thoughts.

For those who may not know, Existentialism can be briefly described as: stressing that people are entirely free and therefore responsible for what they make of themselves. With this responsibility comes a profound sense of anguish or dread.

This sums up what you - and many of us with mental illness - ponder. It is my belief that thinking existentially is about looking for a sense of purpose. Lacking that sense of purpose is one of the hallmarks of Depression. It is linked to hopelessness and worthlessness.

Similarly, one of those things that breaks the Depression is a sudden realization of a sense of purpose - and an "I think therefore I am" moment.