As I sit hear writing you, I find my eyes filling with tears again. Seems I cry so much lately. Sometimes the tears scare me for they go far deeper than I understand and they have taken on a new depth that I find no way to describe.

It seems it is now that my mind opens up and words flow from me that i do not understand. This quiet world I live in is so silent at times it is deafening but at other times it rages with such a force that I wonder if anyone outside of me hears what I hear. Sometimes no voices pierce as loud as many voices devouring my thoughts. Sleep does not come except for a couple hours during mid-morning.

I feel lost within. Sometimes the ultimate sleep seems the only way to escape what I feel. Finding words to say what I feel seems impossible. They come and go in an instance. The wall around me traps me and I go inside myself for safety.

I am so afraid to move yet too afraid not too. At times my thoughts go numb which matches my insides. At times silence lies all around and suffocation cuts off my reality. At other times the inside world is colliding with the outside real world that it chokes me and i cannot breath.

Sometimes I float away, just out of reach of reality--reaching for a place that seems so familiar yet it is not. SOmetimes I reach out in an emptiness that surrounds me when all is empty. Fear takes on a new meaning there. It is not only felt but has the knowledge of experience. There seems to be so much encircling my mind but I find no words to explain the feelings.

I find myself searching deep within the recesses of my mind for understanding of what is not understandable. Time ticks away and I continue to write. Somehow writing gives me strength to keep going. Somehow these words speak through a silence that would otherwise have no voice, no escape.

The maddening world of silence and voices plays with my sanity. Sometimes it is as no one exists and sometimes in that non-existance, I find it would be so easy to slip away, to never come back. Conflicting thoughts invade as though nothing else matters causing me to feel deeper exhaustion.

To live minute by minute is all I can do, and sometimes those minutes are so long. Yet here it is another night and I sit here writing once again. It feels as though the keys are my voice and the screen my refuge. Quietly words scrawl across the screen, not even the sound of writing. It is like a silent world right now of thoughts coming and going--wondering if the words even make sense.

Sharing feelings that would otherwise not ever be shared. Silent screams like the ones screamed so long ago. And those that come at times when I hear nothing else. Inbetween the lines are words you do not hear. Help! Such a small four letter word tht says so much. I feel lost.

Part of me is hiding afraid to be seen or heard. Yet, another part wishes just to be held somewhere safe. Everything moves so slow over and over again. My world as I was beginning to grasp has shattered. Writing feels like my only way of existing.

The world feels like an open trench ready to swallow me up. I feel so raw and exposed. I always felt from some other place in time that was very distant from me. This is too close to myself. My heart is crying as much as my eyes. I feel so afraid.

This pain and these words are real. And somewhere in all this--I am real. Silence echoing, yet pain at times stinging and in the darkness I cry out without words. Emotions run deep--deeper than even I can tell. Thoughts cloud my mind to this imprisonment fears holding over me. Emptiness surrounds my being.

The humming of the computer seems so distant. And all I have are these silent words. They say so little yet they say it all. But my safety here seems to be growing as it is not safe out here.

purplesecrets

[SpringStar]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((PurpleSecrets))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That was beautiful........

You are not alone and I am hearing you............
Your are reaching out to a distance place........

God Bless You.
XXX
SpringStar

SpringStar--

Thank you. If only peole knew how hard I am trying to talk. I want to break the silence but the fear is so real right now and I am taking it one step at a time.

purplesecrets

[SpringStar]

Sweet Dreams PurpleSecrets

[Psyclox]

((((((((((Purplesecrets)))))))))))

[Direction]

I would keep writting...you have a great way of getting out on "paper" what you are feeling...

Hoping you will get some more sleep!

SpringStar--

Thank you for the thoughts. I did not sleep except for about an hour and I woke up gasping for air. I go to a place in my dreams that is very scary and I cannot get out. Then I get scared and I cannot breath or move. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. Seems like lately it is getting worse and I am so afraid to go to sleep. But thank you for the thoughts.

purplesecrets

Psyclox--

Thank you so much for the hug. Yes, I am very afraid of the dark. Seems everything happened there or by dim light. Coming to grips with things is not easy as I am sure so many know. It is just now that I am doing so. Everything keeps coming and as I try to rest, I find none. But I am trying here and I so appreciate each one of you.

purplesecrets

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((purplesecrets)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My Dear Dear Friend................

I understand.....I hear you.......I'm right here beside you, sitting quietly. I'm holding your hand when the fear becomes too much. I'm holding your hand when you just need a friend to touch.

Keep taking each step the best way you can. Know you are not alone, that you have ones there to support you when you need it most. I am here too.

Sending you prayers for peace, strength, understanding and friendship.

xoxoxox
Jean

Direction--

Thank you for your thoughts. Writing seems to be my only way of releasing what is so deep within me. They never took away my ability to write. They taught me that from all the writing I had to do of how bad , nothing, and worthless I was. I wrote thousands of times and so much so that there are parts of me with that name. I could connect with those parts of me. Words are what keep me going in a place that otherwise I would not be here. Thank you for your encouragement and support.

purplesecrets

Sabau2--

Thank you so much. You know how I feel and I am trying with all I have to reach out for the first time. My innermost feelings come through words as I know you understand. Your support means so much and I reach with evey breath I have in me to someday break these chains that bound me so tight. As long as I am reaching and talking I am trying, it is when I go inside and say nothing that is feared. Thank you again for your support, understanding, and friendship. Just knowing you are sitting there beside me quietly so I am not alone means more than you could know.

purplesecrets

[sabby]

Yes, I do know how you feel. And you are welcome. Little by little you will find your way, you will break those chains. I have faith in all of you to work through this to the best of your ability.

I hope you can find some rest today.

Hugsssss
Jean

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( purplesecrets )))))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((((((((((Purplesecrets)))))))))))))))))))
You're writing was beautiful .... know that you're not alone, and we are all here for you.

[recluse1]

(((((((((((purplesecret)))))))))))))
my heart breaks as i read your words. so beautifully written yet so dark and sad. i am proud of you for reaching out. its a very hard thing to do. you are braver than you realize and have the courage and will to make it out of the darkness and into the light. we are all here for you and support you on your journey to find happiness and peace. keep posting. it will be a tremendously helpful tool for you.

may God shine his light upon you and embrace you with his love, keeping you safe from the darkness and held tight in loving arms.

recluse1

[txstarrrynites]

((((((((purple secrets))))
Hugs to you. Have you thought of past life regression.
It might explain why you are so afraid of the dark.
Good to u. I was up until 3 am last nigh. Yawn.
Take care

[tranquility]

Purple Secrets -

That was wonderful! I'm so glad you "let loose" with the words. It takes practice and that is what you are doing. Give yourself much credit for this.

There are many people here who support you and what better way to begin to break those walls down and share when it's with cyber people?

Hugs to you Purple

Tranquility

sabau2--

thank you for your faith in me. I so appreciate you.

purplesecrets

Fuzzybear--

Thank you for your support.

purplesecrets

jacq10--

Thank you. You being there means so much. I appreciate your words.

purplesecrets

recluse1--

Thank you. The loving support means so much. My eyes fill with tears at your words. This is new to me but I am trying and it is the support that I am finding that is making it possible for me to keep reaching. Sometimes it is days between posts but I always read what words of wisdom others have to say.

purplesecrets

txstarrynites--

Thank you for the hugs. I know why I am scared of the dark and someday I will tell. But your support and thoughts mean so much. I hope you get some sleep.

purplesecrets

Tranquility--

Thank you so much for your words. I appreciate you so much. I am trying to open up and people here are making it possible. It is with baby steps that I am learning to open up. Thank you for the support.

purplesecrets

[jbeach]

that is so beautiful... you have a gift for writing and your writing is a way for you to vent your feelings. i think it will make you feel better. there is hope. i know you will feel better. thank you so much for sharing that.

jbeach--

Thank you. Writing is everthing to me. It is my world of safety and to let out what I hold so tightly inslde. As I come here and I share, I am finding a beginning safety I did not know existed and it is because of every here that this is possible. Take care of you.

purplesecrets