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  #1  
Old Nov 27, 2015, 09:57 AM
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ezogyo ezogyo is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Uraguay
Posts: 90
I'm feeling lost right now, thinking back about how my life has been so far. Have you ever felt like you have to live through a chaotic life even when you try your best not make it chaotic? But it happens anyway and you have no control over it, you can't stop it and just for goodness sake, live in piece? Or have no one who understands you or stay by your side through the bad times?

Everything about me, everyone around me are terrible. My family is a mess. They are so conservative, temperamental, mean, untrustworthy, not understanding and always looking for troubles. I'm nothing like them so they always find a way to bring me down. The more I try not to be involved, the more they get me involved. They don't even approve that I'm a weak person and that I need their emotional support.

My friends? I don't know why I always end up with the wrong company. It always occurs to me that any friends I make, it will either be someone who doesn't care about me, uses me, talk behind my back, get into a conflict and mostly be gone after few months or worst, after a year of a real deal of friendship. I've learned to let go, but when it happens more often, it breaks my heart into pieces and the more I become untrustworthy of people.

And me, I just hate myself so much. I hate my appearance, my personality(starting to be like my family), my race, my sexuality, my emotional problems that is making me so weak and so many more. I'm like a walking ghost, nobody notice or care about me and nothing good ever happens to me. Sometimes I contradict myself because I get all tired of life's BS that I just wanna have nothing to do with people or attract their attention and just wanna be myself out from any form of conflicts and mistrust.

What hurts the most is, I'm a guy who is old enough to be strong and decide what to do with me life but I just can't. I'm stuck in an endless loop of despair.

All this are just adding to my emotions that I just can't escape from. I don't even know if why my Psychologist said my depression(i'm bipolar II) is my illness when I'm just reacting to all the BS my life has been giving me. I don't know if there is any cure for me. Nothing will work, nothing... Why am I so unlucky?

Last edited by ezogyo; Nov 27, 2015 at 10:02 AM. Reason: Grammar mistakes
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  #2  
Old Nov 28, 2015, 05:53 AM
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lowinmood lowinmood is offline
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Location: UK
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I feel like this too, and always have done - I am a deeply sensitive person, and small in height, and so that has made me a target to be pushed around and treated like crap from more stronger people. Also, having a mental illness has made some people treat me more negatively than others due to the stigma of it - I'm also bipolar type 2.

There are more good people out there than bad, but the bad stress me out more, and I obssess about it more - and so they overshadow the good, nice caring people.

It's a tough world, I thought things would get easier when I was out of school, but things got harder, it's a dog eat dog world - and I hate it.
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  #3  
Old Nov 28, 2015, 08:58 AM
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lima01 lima01 is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: florida
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We have family members who are bipolar . we do lots for them but its tough . Thanksgiving and christmas are sometimes very difficult . It even shows up in some of the grandkids . Very difficult to have a family get together but we still do . We feel like firemen trying to snuff a fire as early as we can . Add to that alcohol and sleep problems on their part it just magnifies it
We haven't given up, buts its hard . The economy doesn't help as the jobs are hard to get for them . Construction is down and both fathers are working hard at low paying jobs . They have to bid very low and work under stress.
We take the grandkids when we can as both mothers have abandoned them .
I just wanted to give some perspectives from the other side of things .
We try to keep in mind that everyone is fighting some kind of battle everyday so try to be kind .
We do try to get them help medical , money, support . So far that is just moderating the problem .
We wish there was a cure and hope for progress . Try to work with your support group in the good days that would help .
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  #4  
Old Nov 28, 2015, 10:32 AM
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Cat_Lover_58 Cat_Lover_58 is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
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I can certainly relate to much of what you're saying. I'm bipolar and feel like, especially my mom, belittles me for that. I'm thinking that when my brother took his life 25 years ago, this would change mom into a more caring person. Nope.

I don't like who I seem to blend into the negative side of the family whenever we spend time together. Holidays are so hard. I try to remain positive for my daughters. I try and focus on the positives in my life. My mom doesn't really know or seem to care about any hurt she's inflicted on me. Hell, my grown daughters see through her. But, I try and emphasize more positive things. Probably because I went through a messy divorce and then their dad remarried. I think that my girls (twins age 21) have seen enough garbage and I just don't want to be like the others. I want to teach them better. And, that they can rise above hurtful people.

I have a really hard time being the one to keep trying. I don't feel like those that are so dysfunctional really deserve more and more chances. I tell myself that they will never really know the real me. I reserve the better parts of me for people I love and care about. My sister, a few friends/co-workers...that is where I start my list...
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  #5  
Old Nov 29, 2015, 02:06 AM
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ezogyo ezogyo is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Uraguay
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I'm glad that you all can relate to me. It makes me feel better that I'm not alone in this. But it really sucks that we have to go through this. I'm sorry to hear about your situations.
Yes it's really hard for me to believe that there are more good people out there just because the negative people just get to me so much.
I definitely know people are human beings who are bound to go through shts in this world. And I try my best to try to do something about it. Like for example, even when my dad can't see me as his son because I'm not up to his standard, I get worried when he gets sick out of stress. My little brother can't even stand me, but I still manage to help him with his studies, talk to him to not make him feel lonely and such. But it feels like, I'm the only one trying. Only I'm the one who, despite all the hate that they put through, would care for them, try to understand them. No one ever does that to me and it is what trigger me sometime to start being unkind to people.

Now I'm just wondering how am I gonna get out of this messed up life and find my happiness, find my freedom...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat_Lover_58 View Post
I tell myself that they will never really know the real me. I reserve the better parts of me for people I love and care about.
This is so me. And I'm sorry to hear about your brother. Made me think of the time when I tried to take my life in front of my dad, he thought I was trying to put him in jail or get him into trouble purposely. My uncle found me and then rushed me to the hospital. He still never changed, still thinks I'm a disappointment. You are doing good by teaching your daughters the right thing. They should not go through the same things we are going through.
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