[HurtOne]

Hi everyone. I'm new here. Have been reading a lot of posts and decided to join. Hoping someone can help me out.

I suffer from anxiety and dysthemia. I can get bouts of pretty bad depression when under severe stress as we'll, but normally I am ok. I am also on mess for these things. My question is more for those with sever depression, and even weed addictions with your depression.

I recently had a breakup with my bf of 7 months. He suffered from depression, self loathing, and was addicted to weed. Smoked it everyday. A lot. We broke up because he said he was not capable of love and was too messed up. He hadn't wanted sex in the last month. His sex drive was literally gone. I was very broken up about this because I wanted to stay and support him. But he said he couldn't drag someone through it and that he didn't deserve to be loved. He was quite messed up. Said he wanted to get help. But then he never did.

I found out recently that he's been secretly having some sort of thing with this girl from another province at his same company. This will sound vain, but it's not meant to, she is quite unattractive and has many life issues and baggage going on in her life at the moment. How could he have no sex drive and be so messed up that he wanted to be alone, but then be with someone as soon as we broke up? Is this normal for depressed men? I know his weed addiction and the depression both caused the no sex drive. He admitted shortly into our relationship that he doesn't always have the highest sex drive. But we were good with that right up til the last month when it stopped. We had a great relationship. Then he just dumped me and said he just couldn't be with anyone because of the depression and no sex drive and that he finally wanted to get help for it. We stayed in touch for a bit. He asked me to help him. I tried but he wouldn't go. He doesn't know I know about this girl. I stopped talking to him when I found out a month ago because I was so heartbroken. He couldn't touch me, but he could be with someone else? She's not even his type physically or even with any of their interests.

I guess I'm just looking for some insight. Obviously this has triggered a depressive episode for me. I feel not good enough and undesirable and heart broken. I feel lied to. Although I do t know the extent of what's actually going on with them. From what I've heard it's her making all the effort coming here. He hasn't gone to see her yet and doesn't take time off work when she's here.

I am having a hard time moving past this since I do t know the truth and I don't understand how he could be so messed up and not horny, then be with someone straight after we break up. Someone who is not someone he'd ever normally go for physically. Is this normal behaviour for depressed men? I just don't understand. It's hard not to take it personally. He wanted so badly for us to stay friends but he hasn't reached out at all either. None of it makes sense and it's made my depression horrible.

I'm open to any advice anyone has on how i cam feel better about this. I cant eat or sleep and I just cry a lot and have no motivation to work even. I feel a mess really hoping someone has some advice or insight.

Thanks in advance!

[Skeezyks]

Hello HurtOne: Well... I don't know if there is any particular behavior that one could generalize as being "normal" for depressed men. What strikes me here is, for one thing, misery loves company. And, since your former bf is miserable, & it sounds like this girl he's involved with has her own issues, they may be just coming together based on their mutual unhappiness. Also, it sounds as though it's mostly her putting forth the effort; not your former bf. She may still be more-or-less new to him now, & something of a novelty... which I think is frequently attractive to most men. But, in the not-too-distant future, he may well drop her the same way he appears to have dropped you.

This is probably not what you want to read here. But from what you've written, I would say, in the whole scheme of things, you're probably better off without this guy. A weed-addicted, depressed bf is probably the last thing you need... especially if you have a tendency toward anxiety & dysthymia yourself. If you simply can't get past this alone, then some individual therapy around the concern may be appropriate. But, one way or the other, my perspective would be... this may be a blessing in disguise. (Hope this doesn't sound overly harsh.) I wish you well...

[HurtOne]

Skeezyks thank you for your response. It wasn't harsh at all. The truth is what I came here for after all! I don't smoke weed, so I am naive to its effects long term. He's been smoking daily, sometimes a few times a day, for years. He admits he's addicted, but won't get help. He never really wanted to go out or do much. I should've seen the signs of depression but I didn't. I know 7 months isn't long, but we've been friends through mutual friends for like three years. So the harsh cut off, hurts, and is confusing.

She may be a novelty. But it's been a few months now. Maybe he's actually cured and happy because of her. Is that even possible? I didn't think another person could magically fix drug addiction and depression. It just hurts, and doesn't do good things for my depression, to feel I was left for someone else and lied to. He didn't have a sex drive, and the second I'm out the door he's got one for her? Just so confusing to me. My self esteem is totally shot here.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I think he may of used his depression as an excuse when really, he left for another woman. His type or not, he likes something about her. I kNow breakups are hard but if I were you I'd drop this guy. Seek therapy if you need but you don't need someone who leaves you for someone else.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 150mgs
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 600mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

[HurtOne]

From the time lines I have gotten from the information a friend got directly from this girl, I am not sure if he started talking to her while we were still together or not. I am making an assumption (I tend to assume the worst about everything).

Yes, he's not someone I need in my life. I guess I am just having a hard time moving on and forgetting about it because the whole thing doesn't make sense. And I know there were lies. Hard to get closure I suppose. I know people say you should get closure from within yourself. I'm just finding it too difficult. It's also been long enough now that I should be further along in the getting over process. I guess my depression and low self esteem are holding me back from moving on and just getting over it. Depression really sucks.

[Saloh52]

hey there
im new here also and come asking for help on a similar case, a depressed ex gf :3

she did almost the same with you except with no contact mode out of no where, and then I guess she was with new guy for few months, and she tend to do that I guess before she realize that she cant go on with this deeper, so whe push them away as the same way she pushed me, but I guess in your case I agree with Skeezyks about this part :

they may be just coming together based on their mutual unhappiness, or as a depressed person let alone Weed addict its surely not a good perioed after the person dump someone he loved because he is **** in his opinion and cant do anything, therefore they seek another attention right away, to ease the hole and gap you left, and I see that there seems to be no sexual relation between them, that's why I tend to think its not a sex drive move here, its more of a she seems like a potential target to help.

any way as they said its better off to you with this guy, there's so much for it in him, I don't think its worth to wait and hold for him like im doing since 3 years now for my ex girlfriend right now.

wish you all the best, don't try to compare and say that he dumped me for her, there's no logic in here I guess.