[Findingjoy1795]

This might be one of the hardest things to try to explain.
I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for 5 years. Psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, intensive outpatient, PHP, residential, I've done it all.

Here's the thing. Some people talk about recovering from all this stuff like a straight path up. You find the meds that work, talk to a therapist for a while about how to cope, and boom. You're done. You're "healed." It's over.

That's not the way it's worked for me. I do better for a little bit, and then something always happens to push me back down. I wonder if that's the roller coaster that is life, or if it's something about me. Or something I create...

Two different members of my treatment team asked me recently about my "life worth living" and what life looks like when I recover, and it's SO hard to respond.

Am I scared to get better? Do I sense I'm doing ok and push myself back down? I don't need answers, but has anyone else ever felt this way? Like somehow you're stopping your own pursuit of a normal life? Thoughts?

[jshuman]

100% yes. It's like, whenever you try to take a step to improve, your anxiety/depression is telling you "But, you're comfortable the way things are now, so why change?" It sucks, really, so I'm with you, completely. I think it is relatively normal if you've had these issues for awhile to be scared of recovery. I am every single day. And you feel that utter "stuck-ness" (lol, fantastic word choice on my part) which permeates every part of your life. The thing that helps me is to say, "Wait, this ISN'T normal. I have got to push back against this because better days are ahead!" Also, I don't know if this is the case with you, but there was a time before I had to deal with these "mental illnesses" and so I use that as motivation to improve. I say, keep pushing just to see what happens on the other side. Hope that helps and feel free to message me if you want to.

[bebogirl16]

Same problem here as well.

Last month I was doing alright, but this month I have really took a leap backwards.

I often confuse my Doctor because she doesn't seem to understand how I can be fine at one appointment, and then totally down at another.

I haven't gotten to that stage yet where I can push myself to get through it.
I succumb to it, and try to understand it more, but no luck so far.

[guiltier65]

I know what you mean. I'm on the upswing at the moment, but that could change. Like you, I'm comfortable with my therapist and I did just get a med change. But I'm always waiting for the next crisis to hit. I get tired of the roller coaster ride and wish I could get off this ride, but I am realizing that I need to be content and joyful whatever is going on in my world.

[i dont matter]

My therapist has challenged me on this same idea. That my dysfunctional world is my norm; thus it is comfortable. Plus (according to her) there are "advantages" of being messed up- IE family is more careful with me, less demanding and I may (unintentionally) be using that to my advantage.

Just some thoughts....

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by Findingjoy1795

Am I scared to get better? Do I sense I'm doing ok and push myself back down? I don't need answers, but has anyone else ever felt this way? Like somehow you're stopping your own pursuit of a normal life? Thoughts?

I understand. And no, I don't think you consciously don't want to get better. We all want to get better. But sometimes I do feel like I don't want to change things about me, because it will change the expectations of others. I guess I feel like if I didn't have depression and anxiety holding me back, I would have to really go for the gold, and I'd have no excuse if I didn't succeed.
I think it's just one of those self-defeating thoughts we have though. It could also just be that you don't believe in your heart you'll ever get better, and when things start to look good you don't want to get your hopes up. I definitely feel like that some days. I've been on a roller coaster the past couple weeks, and while I appreciate the good moments, I almost feel it would have been easier if they hadn't happened, because I just keep getting crushed over and over.

[Findingjoy1795]

Originally Posted by jshuman

100% yes. It's like, whenever you try to take a step to improve, your anxiety/depression is telling you "But, you're comfortable the way things are now, so why change?" It sucks, really, so I'm with you, completely. I think it is relatively normal if you've had these issues for awhile to be scared of recovery. I am every single day. And you feel that utter "stuck-ness" (lol, fantastic word choice on my part) which permeates every part of your life. The thing that helps me is to say, "Wait, this ISN'T normal. I have got to push back against this because better days are ahead!" Also, I don't know if this is the case with you, but there was a time before I had to deal with these "mental illnesses" and so I use that as motivation to improve. I say, keep pushing just to see what happens on the other side. Hope that helps and feel free to message me if you want to.

Basically that's it. 100%. So good to know it's not just me, and that others have found ways to push through it. Thank you!

[DesNagol]

Originally Posted by i dont matter

My therapist has challenged me on this same idea. That my dysfunctional world is my norm; thus it is comfortable. Plus (according to her) there are "advantages" of being messed up- IE family is more careful with me, less demanding and I may (unintentionally) be using that to my advantage.

Just some thoughts....

This is a real concern. One I've been battling lately as well. I know as long as I'm sad, I don't have to do anything. By not having to do anything, I don't have to come to terms with my anxiety and stress. I can just stay hidden in a ball, I like being in that ball, but I also hate that ball. That ball is suffocating me and keeping me from becoming something other than a frail child.

It's tough struggling with your own identity and forcing yourself outside your comfort zone.

[lima01]

I would say you are just human . We all fear failure . Most of us are looking for a place to be comfortable .
The farmers I was raised with all say they are fair to midland when asked . They fear bragging as well as failure . They have been knocked down so many times that they don't want to temp fate . They are tough and get right back up.
Most people I know subscribe to " you are as happy as you decide you want to be" .
Our goal should be to lose the fear and grant ourselves more room for ups and downs . Start our days happy and decide to have the best day we can have each day .
Lets face it - most of us let ourselves become fearful . There is help but the fix has to come from within ourselves. Be kind to yourself first .