bad day, bad week, bad month

It was a bad day today. Woke up late, and spent the next five hours in a depressive funk, the worst one in ages. I didn't realise I had this many tears in me.

It feels like everything's my fault. My boyfriend and I had a minor disagreement (now patched up), felt like it was my fault (it was possibly). I rang up my counsellor (closest thing I have to a T) for an appointment, and couldn't get one til week after next. Again, felt like my fault, like if I wasn't so screwed up it'd be easier for her to see me. It rained, and I'm almost positive that's my fault too. And I have a chemistry exam to worry about next week, yet it took much persuasion from my bf to even get me outside today.

I'm angry too. I really thought I was winning this time. I thought I knew how to fight it. But each day is getting harder, not easier. I'm almost as bad as I've ever been, and I'm really scared that the support network I've built up since the last bad time isn't strong enough to withstand this. I feel like I don't deserve my friends, my boyfriend, my life.

It's passed, for now. I feel.... shattered. I don't know how many more days like these I can take, and I don't want to give up but it's just so hard.....

meander--

I am sorry you feel so bad. It is not your fault. You are worth hanging on. We are here and we are listenig. I can feel your pain and in so many ways I can understand. Tears are okay and I sit here crying with you. I understand how hard it is, but you can do this. You are not alone. Please know that you are in my thoughts and I will be here to listen. Hang in there.

purplesecrets

Were I you, I'd try to find some humor in everything being my fault, especially the chemistry exam :-) Looking at things logically and taking them to their extremes can be lots of fun and help get the woes out of one's system?

dear meander,

I'm in a depressive bout since 27 days now, and it is wearing me off. In the last days I have been crying regularly and it is AWFUL.
With all this, as a fellow depressive, I wish I could let you understand how it is ridiculous that we feel guilty.
We may be wrong, defective, freaks. Anyway we are among the most suffering persons on earth and this fact AT LEAST removes every possible guilt from us.

Hold on

as frustrating as it is sometimes two steps back and one forward does work...