[sleepy1blue]

I've been very depressed for quite a while. There's been two suicides in my family and while I was depressed before I guess after the second one I've really lost my mind. I hate living and I'm so tired of everything. I'm only 23 but it feels like I've been alive for a hundred years. I have no friends. I rarely see my remaining family and they hate me anyway. I'm unable to get a job or even get into uni because my brain no longer works and I can barely even read anymore. My head hurts all the time and my hands tremble a lot. Sometimes I can't even get up from bed, my body just completely stops working and it takes me hours to sit up, only to fall back in bed. It's like I'm already dead, like a zombie. I don't think I can even remember what it was like to be happy and relax. I'm stressed out all the time, I have daily panic attacks and extreme mood swings, I'm terrified of many things like rejection and abandonment and being different from everyone else and I can't stop my mind racing and reminding me about stuff every waking moment. I've been trying to get back on my feet lately but I feel like dropping everything again and just staying in bed forever. What's the point of going on? The whole world is just a sick joke. My life is already over and every time I try to do anything about it I just mess things up even more. Some people would have been better off if they had never been born.

Sorry for the wall of text, as you can see I can't even type properly. I don't even know what I'm typing it here for or what I'm expecting to gain by posting my whining here but maybe someone has similar experiences or something. Feel free to ignore or comment I guess.

[Frankbtl]

Hi sleepy1blue,

Welcome to PC
I'd say that you've typed what's going on for you very clearly and thankyou for sharing.
You sound very alone in what you're going through but I know there's going to be plenty of people on here who can really relate to what you're feeling, whether they're feeling it now or whether they've found ways through it all. So please stick around, you're not alone in this.
I'm really sorry you've had to go through so much alongside the depression, and I can understand completely how the suicides must have had a really big impact on you
I wish I could give you some easy answers but the things you've been experiencing can take time and support to gradually ease a little.
Although I have got to REALLY commend you for trying to get back on your feet, it can take a lot of strength to even try.
So for now..........obviously it's really hard for you........so do you think you could readjust your goals a little?? For example instead of thinking you "should" be in uni or you "should" get a job, maybe some goals around more self care or around smaller tasks you could aim for. Sometimes achieving things like that can be a massive achievement in themselves and sometimes slowly lead to bigger things.
The job.........uni..........maybe possibilities down the line such as getting additional support in uni or starting with a less "demanding" job..........but for now.......you!!!
And for now..........what sort of things do you think might help a little???
Although it can sometimes take trial and error..........maybe pushing yourself to interact slightly more with people out there........maybe focusing on something you could enjoy in time e.g. a hobby/an interest/something to absorb some of your thoughts..........maybe doing something purely for you..........maybe writing about your feelings.........maybe talking to people about your feelings, a professional/therapist/doctor, a helpline, us, anyone..........????
But you'll find lots of help with suggestions on here too...........as well as "listening", caring and empathy.
I know it all may seem pretty "black" now, but it doesn't always have to feel this way.
You've made an excellent start reaching out to us on here, please don't give up on reaching out........sharing, "letting it out", getting support, getting advice..........things like that, over time, can sometimes make so much difference.

And last thing , please don't ever see talking what you're going through as whining
If something "hurts", it "hurts" and that matters!!!



Alison

[Fuzzybear]

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Sleepy1blue.

Depression messes with mind, body, emotions and sense of time.

I strongly suspect you will need some sort of assistance getting on your feet. From your account it's not going to come from family. Do your circumstances permit you going to a medical doctor?

Please make yourself at home.