I've lost myself

I don't have a personality anymore, no interests or passion. My only emotions are sadness, anger and apathy and every day is the same - I live in a fog where change is unwelcome and the world seems hostile.
I'm having frequent suicidal thoughts and I can't trust myself with anything because of it. When I wake up I know that I want to die, but I'm too scared. Yes, I only get one chance to live, but is it worth it?
I'm having an almost indescribable feeling about my existance and everything around me. Everything seems staged and threathening in some way and it feels like living like this is somehow my fate, and I shouldn't mess with it or it will get worse.
When I look back at my life so far I can remember that almost every social interaction I've had has been awkward or "off" in some way, like everyone is judging me even though I've stayed quiet and neutral most of my life. It leads me to believe that something else is going on and a lot of the time it really feels like everyone can see and hear what I'm thinking.
From an outside perspective it may sound ridiculous but this thought is accompanied with an extremely ominous feeling and I keep thinking "what if?". After all the world is filtered through my experience and I can never know for sure.
I can't see any life or worth when I look into my own eyes in the mirror. I look dead and I'm scared that other people can see it too, or that they would somehow know how detached I am from everything.
I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about anything anymore. I've worried my family enough, I suspect my friends wouldn't take me seriously and I feel like my therapist wouldn't understand either. I don't know if I am supposed to keep this to myself or if I'm just bullying myself into silence.
I wish I could go back to when I was better and apologize to myself for ruining everything.

I can definitely relate. I've always felt like an outsider and it has impacted the things that really could have improved life for me.

I'm so, so sorry you feel this desperate. Suicidal thoughts are definitely not something you 'should' keep to yourself.

I suggest your therapist is a good person to tell. She's paid to accept what you say, any questions would not be because she doesn't believe, but more to try to help you understand yourself, even if the depression stops you feeling like that's the case. Many therapists do the job because they have suffered themselves and they want to reach out to support other people.

You never know, she may even have had similar thoughts herself (though she wouldn't say) and may understand more than you think. It's a good place to start and you don't deserve to bear this on your own.

Thank you for sharing and I wish you good luck and courage if you decide to share it with her.

❤️

Please, I know it's hard, but you have to learn to let the past go. The only thing we have with ourselves is NOW. Whatever hapenned, you can't change it.

Meditate, find a sport you like (martial arts, swimming), write, find other hobbies that you like (chess, a literary club), forgive yourself and others, learn to love and respect Nature, eat healthier, travel a bit.

Those are some suggestions I can give you. Don't wait to be fine to do things, do things in order to be fine, to be better and to grow.

You can do it. Keep in touch.

Federico

Still thinking of you ❤️