In A Weird Place

My thoughts sound depressed but I don't feel depressed. I mean, I kind of feel bubbly and can smile, but at the same time hate my life. I've had a few crying spells but there are a lot of problems in my life to warrant them. My life pretty much sucks, and I am limited on how to make it better. I've been depressed before, due to chemical reasons because I'm bipolar, but this feels different. I started to have suicidal thoughts and urges yesterday, but it was triggered more my desperation and the feeling the my life is entirely pointless and not going to improve. Because it seems to get worse every week. But I don't feel sad. At all. Just kind of...I don't know. Indifferent. Numb. Like everything is ridiculous and a joke. Maybe kind of bitter. How can I be bubbly when I feel like my life is such a waste? And really hopeless.

The worst part right now are my financial strains and the fact I might lose my insurance. If I do, I'll have to go off my meds and no longer be in therapy.

I have no idea what I ever did to deserve all this misfortune in my life. All of it has been beyond my control. I didn't chose to become bipolar. I didn't chose to have a psychotic break/episode. I didn't chose to be borderline or to have so much trauma I developed PTSD. I never asked for the abuse or the other horrible things that happened to me as a child and adolescent. I didn't ask to become partially disabled, or so over medicated I could hardly function for a few years.

I'm trying to figure out how to get my life back on track, where I was prior to the psychotic episode at the end of 2010. But my brain just doesn't want to cooperate. My memory issues (which I plan to get assessed soon) and my mild cognitive impairments that weren't there in 2010 make it extremely difficult. I had an above average IQ and now I feel like I've lost most of my intelligence. My ability to grasp theory and make connections no one else could think of was lost. Its like have a beautiful mind that's wasted away.

I guess I have a lot to be depressed about, don't I. We're supposed to focus on the good things...so I guess...my cat is the shining light in my life. So are my friends. They're the only reason I'm still here to type this. I've got nothing else to live for. In a sense being Borderline is actually saving me. Knowing how painful abandonment is first hand, I can't bring myself to physically abandon the people in my life who actually care about me and love me. I think that's one of the worst things you could do to someone. I'm a very compassionate, empathic person. I couldn't bare to inflict pain on my loved ones, fur child or human. That's probably why I'll always be here.

I'm so glad you have your beloved cat and friends.

If there is any realistic possibility that you will lose your health insurance and access to meds, you really might want to concentrate on that.
I have been in a similar circumstance, I was trapped by a life I hated. I thought I couldn't leave this job because I would lose health care coverage. It wasn't good coverage, but I figured something was better than nothing.
It took some research but I found out that by quitting that job with lousy benefits, I could work somewhere I liked that couldn't offer benefits and get my health insurance via the National Healthcare Marketplace aka obamacare. I actually pay less out of pocket and have much better mental health benefits and access to care on that new plan.
Although it's not always the greatest, you might also look at Medicaid and see about qualifying for disability.
Who knows you might actually find yourself a better future?

My insurance is Medicaid. I was considered partially disabled 6 years ago, but now they are reassessing this. And my diagnosis changed since there. I was erroneously diagnosed as schizophrenic. So I'm worried they'll take my insurance away from me. I can't afford to pay out of pocket for an insurance, with rent, student loans, and the fact I only work part time. I'd like to get a better full time job, but I don't have a resume. I have a degree but I don't remember anything about it because of my memory issues, so I don't know how to use it. There aren't many job opportunities where I live, but I don't drive right now (I'm actually being tested for epilepsy) and I don't have the financial means to move where there are jobs. Or even a car. I can't afford a car. So I'm pretty much stuck where I am and I don't know what to do about it. Working lets me pay my bills...or at least some of them, I can't even afford to pay all of them and my parents won't or can't help.

Most professional jobs require a driver's license, and I don't have one. Even if I did I have to wait until I get the epilepsy results before I can start working on getting my license. I'm phobic of driving and no therapist has even been able to help me get through it. Its very debilitating and limits me, but I mean...I drive and the slightest thing can trigger me into hysterics and I have to pull over to the side of the road and I can't drive anymore.

I really don't know what to do. I wish someone could actually help me get over that fear. And work with me. And help me build a resume. I can't afford to pay someone to make one for me.

Sending you positive vibes and sincere wishes that things improve for you. Do you have access to a local group you could meet with? Others in a similar situation as yourself? Hugs xx