[blondeaussie]

Hi everyone.
Sorry if this is a bit lengthy but I really would appreciate any thoughts, advice, etc. that you may have.

I had an abortion near the end of November 2015, actually exactly two months ago today. Upon finding out I was pregnant, my first feelings towards the situation were anger and fear. Within minutes of finding out, I was stating that I wanted an abortion and I did not want to be in the situation I was in. After a couple of days, I began to struggle with the decision a little more and was not sure what I should do. In the back of my mind, however, I almost knew that I had to have the abortion, or at least felt like I had to, because I was quite scared about the reactions or treatment I would receive from my family and friends. I am not married, currently a student and was only with my boyfriend for six months when this happened. I was also thinking about being so young (23) and not being able to enjoy my life as I should at this age, as a child would get in the way. Even though I had these thoughts, I was going back and forth with feelings of guilt and sadness about ending the pregnancy.

I did not wait long to book the procedure. There was only a week between finding out and actually having the abortion. I felt that it was wrong to keep the baby for a longer period of time and allow it to develop as I knew I "had" to have the abortion anyway. Looking back, I feel as though I did not spend enough time making this decision and that I rushed out of fear. As soon as I entered the abortion clinic, I became extremely sad. I could not fill out the paperwork and made my boyfriend do it and read it out to me. I cried during the entire procedure and for about an hour after it. The nurse administering the IV asked me if I was sure about my decision and asked why I was crying. I told her I was just sad.

Now it has been two months and I still get random moments of sadness. It happens maybe a couple times a week and almost every time it is enough to bring me to tears again. I would describe my feelings as when a loved one passes away and you just deeply miss them. I somehow miss this baby. How can I miss someone I never got to know? Something I really never had.. I think back to this time and remember smiling to myself and thinking of how this baby was my little secret (mine and my BFs). I miss laying at night and knowing that there was a baby inside of me and that it was mine. I get strong feelings of regret, sadness and guilt. I feel like even in the short period of time that I had with this baby, I developed a connection to it. I feel jealous and sad when I see families out and about with their young children. I feel jealous and sad when I see people I know that are pregnant. I feel like I let my fear get the best of me and I acted too soon. I have thought before that if I had waited a couple of weeks longer, I would have likely kept the baby. I beat myself up over my decision at times but I do not voice this to anyone as no one but my BF and I know. I feel embarrassed to share my thoughts with him because I almost feel like I can't stand to say these words out loud and see his face or reaction.

Has anyone gone through the same situation? What has helped you? I'm open to hearing from you and if anything, it felt nice to express myself in some way.

Thank you if you have read this far.
xoxo

[marmaduke]

Your reaction is not unusual. Abortion is a difficult subject. You did what was right for you at the time.
A child needs a home, support, money, security, to have a child without these things is not a kindness.
You did the right thing.
You grieve because you are a good person and you loved your baby, but had no idea how you would manage alone without income as a student. Without family support your life would have become very difficult you might have ended up resenting that child.
The grief will pass.
One day the time will be right.
Forgive yourself.

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[Catlady360]

I've not gone through this situation, but I do think you'll recover. It sounds like it's a difficult subject for you to handle and that's alright. Perhaps speak to your therapist (if you have one)?

Don't feel guilty. You did what you thought was right at the time and that's what should matter.

[jbuttz]

Keep your head up

[IrisBloom]

No matter the circumstances, it is a real loss, and it will always be a loss to you. But at this point you need to forgive yourself and get on with your life. You can't undo what is done. It sounds like you have learned a lot about yourself through this experience, but dwelling on it is not good. File it as a regretful memory, which we all have a lot of. You will go on to have children when the time is right, hopefully, and that will help ease the pain. Above all, be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up over something that can't be changed.

Add: You might want to research the stages of grief. All the best to you.

[eskielover]

It's a life lost & feeling grief is normal. We all make some decisions we end up regretting especially when we think it's our only option & feel pushed because of circumstances.

My mom had an abortion when I was 5....way back in 1958. She was just pregnant & came down with the German measles. Her MD suggested the abortion because it was known that German measles caused birth defects in the 1st trimester & they had no money or good insurance for any medical help that might be necessary. My parents put a lot of thought into their decision & even talked with their pastor.

Even with all the thinking put into it my parents felt the loss. My mom never really brought it up until the last hospitalization she had with her cancer. She not only kept asking ME when she she was going to get well but she also needed my assurance that NO God doesn't punish people with cancer for having an abortion. How sad...50 years later that thought was still haunting in her mind though she was able to understand that is not how God works & forgiveness & understanding is Gods way & we need to hold it for ourselves.

I was getting me degree & 1 1/2 years after being married I ended up pregnant. I had said before marriage I didn't want kids & NOTHING was getting in the way of my degree....I made that CLEAR before the wedding. So the first thing my H said when I got pregnant was that I could just take off & go back & get my degree when the kid got older. I was so angry at his response after what I had mde clear before the wedding....I kicked him out of the apartment & was going to schedule an abortion mostly out of anger at him for what he said....I would get EVEN. Well, my parents offered to take care of the baby so I could get my degrees& have my computer career...so thinking it through rationally decided NOT to have the abortion. Glad I didn't have to make that choice. I know now that I do lean toward adoption....but we make our choices at the time given were we are at the time

[itspeaks]

I had an abortion when I was 18, and the first year afterwards I would say was the hardest. You have to remember that it was the right decision for you and the baby at this time in your life. It's normal to feel sadness and any other feelings. & even tho the baby is not with you anymore your body still just went through pregnancy so you have a ton of hormones still out of each which can contribute to your mood as well. It's been 6 years now for me and while I feel sadness it's not a deep regretful sadness, it's more of how you may think of a fond memory of a person who has passed away, or some similar feeling if that makes sense. I know that it's what I had to do. I was in a very similar situation, had only been with my now ex for 6 months, was scared out of my mind, didnt want my family to know. I even waited 2 years to tell my mom about it ever, but she told me she had had one when she was around my age. You can't beat yourself up about it, and also don't be mad at yourself for being upset now. Sorry if I'm rambling but anyway I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and what you are feeling is normal but time really does heal all wounds. I encourage you to talk to someone you trust about your feelings because you don't have to go through it alone. Talking about it along with time will help you heal.

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