Dealing with negative emotions

I was called arrogant and disgusting by some friend. I guess I have been trying to put on a cold mask in social situations to prove I do not care. I used to spend too much time worrying about how other people think of me and I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't know somehow I come off as arrogant.
I have been feeling happy until this friend told me that. I am now sad because this is somewhat true. I do like to judge people even if I often don't say the judgements out loud. Appearing aloof provides me comfort and makes me feel different from the others. When I don't fit in a social situation, I can judge the people there as shallow or boring. Maybe I have been feeding upon fake superiority to boost my self-esteem. I hate myself for just trying to get by, but I fear the pain of facing the reality. What if I am as shallow as the people I dislike. I feel like stuck in a gray area.

Sounds to me you are in the perfect spot for some positive personal growth! And, I mean that in a sincere, good way. It's good to self-reflect, introspect. Too many people never do.

You may not see it in others, but we all have self doubt and have experienced self esteem issues. Have some compassion for yourself, and perhaps a little for others, too.

We all put on a bit of a social "mask" in mixed company; it's a necessary part of life. It takes time to get the balance right, to figure out how much vulnerability is right for us to show so that people feel trusted and engaged with us, while also protecting ourselves to needed inner satisfaction.

Sometimes I think of there being a pendulum swinging in life, that we have to go with, catch its rhythm, til it eventually starts to even out to a calm.. but that along the way can definitely seem like a lot of nutty back and forth. It might still take a few bigger swings of this pendulum until you get a feeling of better balance around this, but you're looking at it right now, a powerful moment for you.

And in truth, your friend wouldn't have said something so dramatic if they were ambivalent about you.. sounds to me like there is room for growth there too.

Appearing aloof is the only way I know so far to reduce my self-consciousness in public. When I repeat to myself that I do not care, I feel less scared when I am exposed and alone in social situations. It helps me staying in an active position and can avoid being rejected. I don't know if I am ready to risk exposing my vulnerabilities at this point. I used to try too hard to please other people, and when I still got rejected I would feel very shameful.

Well, you don't have expose all your vulnerabilities, so I hope that helps. So often when we are in a bad place and feeling low, we tend to categorize everything into 2 categories, usually polar opposite of each other. But the reality is is that there is a lot of middle ground. So, you start aiming for a little improvement at a time and then you eventually find yourself in a relatively good spot. Babies don't learn to walk overnight, you know?