All Downhill After 19?! *may be triggering*

I turned 19 last week, and it came like a slap in the face.

I suddenly realized, I'm not a kid anymore, and it depresses me because I wasted my childhood trying to act more grown up then I was. I denied myself the things I really enjoyed as a kid in the pursuit of perfection and pleasing others. Always doing chores, I wouldn't play games with my siblings, no matter how badly I wanted too. Barely socialized with friends even though I was miserable when I was alone. Now I have none. Life was about homework, chores, stressing about looks, fearing what others thought of me, putting myself down, hiding my eating disorder and self-harm, blaming myself for my mother abandoning me when I was 11, fearing I may lose my wonderful stepmother if I wasn't careful, and planning for the future that I hoped would be better then my past.

I once had dreams of happiness. Now all I see for my future is stress, work, bills, and physical deterioration. Life will go fast, but somehow drag out during the worst of times.

Is it too late? Is the best years of my life really over? I feel so hopeless. What's the point of being able to survive into your 100s if you're not really living?

I was very much like you once. So I'll let you in on a secret: childhood is insanely overrated. I am absolutely serious. Despite hallmark cards, sappy TV movies, and the popular misconception, many people's childhoods are painful and filled with regrets.

My advice to my 19 year old self: stop looking back. Yes it was awful to grow up the way you did. You got messed up in the genetic lottery. So what?

What are you going to do now? You are starting out on a whole new journey. This time you have your freedom and self-determination. Where are you going? What are you going to do?

Entropy is going to happen to everyone, no matter your childhood. Aging will happen to you and everyone else. Gravity unless you become an astronaut will weigh all down. These are true for every single thing on the planet earth. I know it can be depressing to contemplate. But you can take comfort that you are not the only one. Millions in the USA alone have mental illness. But most will keep fighting and living their lives. Many despite everything, will have good lives filled with interesting opportunities.

At 19, This is finally your life now. It can be the best of times. You can do a myriad of things. There are so many paths ahead. You probably won't believe me but this can be a momentous time in life.

There was a time I never thought I could move on from my childhood. But I went to therapy and started on meds. My life hasn't been perfect, but it is so much better. I have done amazing things I wouldn't have dreamed of at 19. I have a life, a pretty good one that I made for myself. My journey through childhood like yours was painful and I wish things could have been different. But No one can change the past. We work on the present and dream of the future.

I hope you can find a way past the hopelessness to see you are not alone and your life can truly get better.

I agree, at best childhood is difficult and most people are at least a bit messed up by theirs.

Good luck as you look to the future and see what you can make of your potential.

Thinking of you.