[mercede75]

Hello, I'm 40 years old. I have this sexual disorientation that I'm homosexual. Nobody around me knows about it. Though I never wanted to be a gay and have always tried to get rid of it. I always felt bad about it and though occasionally I had sex, I never had been in a relationship. Partly because this is something that is not acceptable in my society but mostly because I think of having my kids and family. A year ago I lost my mother, who was almost everything to me and after her death I felt very alone and depressed.

As a solution I thought to give a try to be in a relationship and got married. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a disaster. we just couldn't spend even few months together. Sex was always been problem for me with her though I was caring and tried to make up for this deficiency of mine in other ways, it didn't work. We are separated now. I feel so sorry about myself.

I'm a pre-diabetic now and extremely depressed with the failure. I thought things might work out they didn't. Everyday seems like there is nothing left for me to do and probably the life should end. I'm not suicidal because I do not think that committing that would be any solution. At my age now, I feel extremely lonely. Everyone around me is married or have someone, but I have no one. I have been living alone for a long time but now it all seems so unbearable. My father lives in other town. We had not been kind of friendly with each other. Though I sometimes think of him. and think that if I start living with him that might help me tackle this depression a bit.

I'm totally clueless about my future, if there is any. Please do not say that I will always be a gay because I really want to be a straight and I really want to have a family. Help me out please.

[Fizzyo]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central. This is a great place to share and learn.

People here will have different views but I have found this by and large to be an accepting community, whatever someone's lifestyle or what they wish it could be.

I can hear how lonely you feel on your own, especially in a society where the traditional family is so important.

My belief is that we have to be honest with ourselves or we can never care for ourselves.

It is very hard to say, but some of my friends have found it is less bad to be single than in a relationship or marriage where you have to pretend to be something or someone you are not.

I'm sorry that I can't give you the advice you want, but there is sure to be someone here who has some similar experience to yours.

I suggest you look for forums that you might relate to. There is one on building self esteem, vital when trying to rebuild family relationships and one for men's support. There are lots more too.

Keep posting, you may want to try roughly the same one on different forums until someone finds you who can understand and help.

People here have helped me through some very dark times and I hope that you find encouragement from this community too.

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

[dexter]

Hi Mercede, my situation is somewhat different then yours bus a little the same.

I'm gay. I grew up suspecting this and was terrified. I was always small and scrawny and was teased and called gay all through school (that's where the "dexter" knickname came from... Not the TV show which appeared much, much later). I was also a late bloomer and I was called "gay" long before I understood what "gay" meant.

As I grew to understand the prospect terrified me and I used to wish that I was asexual rather than gay.

Unlike you I was NEVER in a relationship with a girl, I never had any attraction to girls other than friendship ever in my life and never tried to explore or force one.

What is MUCH different is that while there is still a lot of prejudice and stigma here, there is also an open community and I can choose to be out. Most of my friends and coworkers know that I am gay. I am still of the mindset of hiding it that I developed growing up; I am trying to break that as I move forward. That mindset has crippled me in terms of a relationship in that I've NEVER had one (of either sex) and I've realized the "asexual" wish is partly true, but not so true that I don't want a companion in my life, making me extremely lonely now.

I cannot imagine what a different path I would have taken if I were in a society where homosexuality was a criminal lifestyle.

I want to tell you that in my opinion hiding it or denying it is not a healthy option. However your emotional well being and physical safety may be jeopardized otherwise and that must be your overwhelming concern.

I hope you find a satisfactory solution to your problem. Wishing you well and please feel free to talk about it here, this is a safe environment.

Originally Posted by mercede75

Hello, I'm 40 years old. I have this sexual disorientation that I'm homosexual. Nobody around me knows about it. Though I never wanted to be a gay and have always tried to get rid of it. I always felt bad about it and though occasionally I had sex, I never had been in a relationship. Partly because this is something that is not acceptable in my society but mostly because I think of having my kids and family. A year ago I lost my mother, who was almost everything to me and after her death I felt very alone and depressed.

As a solution I thought to give a try to be in a relationship and got married. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a disaster. we just couldn't spend even few months together. Sex was always been problem for me with her though I was caring and tried to make up for this deficiency of mine in other ways, it didn't work. We are separated now. I feel so sorry about myself.

I'm a pre-diabetic now and extremely depressed with the failure. I thought things might work out they didn't. Everyday seems like there is nothing left for me to do and probably the life should end. I'm not suicidal because I do not think that committing that would be any solution. At my age now, I feel extremely lonely. Everyone around me is married or have someone, but I have no one. I have been living alone for a long time but now it all seems so unbearable. My father lives in other town. We had not been kind of friendly with each other. Though I sometimes think of him. and think that if I start living with him that might help me tackle this depression a bit.

I'm totally clueless about my future, if there is any. Please do not say that I will always be a gay because I really want to be a straight and I really want to have a family. Help me out please.

You have an amazing story even though it is filled with some heartache. Your life journey, good and bad, has gotten you to your 40s. I believe your sexual orientation is yours to choose. So no one can speak on that or give you guidance but you. The emotional reactions to your life experiences can be supported with close friends, doctors, and family.

Making clear and specific choices about who will be your foundation is important right now. When I made it to my 40s, I started being very open about my struggles with suicide, depression and anxiety. No one could have imagined. But now that close circle is great to have. Not all friends stayed and not all family members chose to be there for me.

I am alone. I can't maintain a relationship with a man. My disorder makes it to hard. But I am thankful for the friends and family that reach out to me and I to them. If a relationship is what you need and desire, then laws of attraction are in your favor Keep moving forward. That alone keeps your odds high. Best to you on your presence in life.