[Crook32]

I am feeling so low right now. My T suggested I go to the hospital but I swore I would never go back there again. There is nothing they can do at the hospital to help me. Maintenance ECT is not working and I can't take the time off of work to do a full course of ECT again right now. I have tried so many different drugs the last 3 years and none of them have worked. Pristiq was the last one to work so we are trying that one again right now as a last shot before we try an MAOI. [trigger] all I want to do is go home and down a couple bottles of pills[\trigger]. But I can't do that to my wife and kids. So then I start wishing for a tractor trailer to crash into me so I can die in an accident. I am meeting tomorrow with a DBT therapist for an intake interview to a DBT group. Hoping that that will help me.

I can't stand being in my own skin right now. The impulses to do something stupid are getting stronger.

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[Crook32]

I don't know how I am managing to be at work. I texted my wife and told her to take my pills when she gets home. My T also wants me to email her tonight to check in.

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[basicgoodness]

I'm sorry you are in crisis right now. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. Try deep breathing, take a walk or do something else to quiet your mind when you have some time alone. Talk to your wife. Keep thinking of your appointment tomorrow. Take it one minute at a time. You will get through this.

[dexter]

It sounds like you have people around who want to help, I hope that is the case, and like basicgoodness said please hang in there, whatever you need to do to stay OK until your meeting tomorrow. Hope it goes well.

[brkn2ice]

Originally Posted by Crook32

I don't know how I am managing to be at work. I texted my wife and told her to take my pills when she gets home. My T also wants me to email her tonight to check in.

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You are probably on automatic and that's how you are managing being at work And You did just made a huge step in your recovery by coming in here looking for help . You told her to take your pills and that kinda shows you care .

[leroysavoy]

Originally Posted by Crook32

I am feeling so low right now. My T suggested I go to the hospital but I swore I would never go back there again. There is nothing they can do at the hospital to help me. Maintenance ECT is not working and I can't take the time off of work to do a full course of ECT again right now. I have tried so many different drugs the last 3 years and none of them have worked. Pristiq was the last one to work so we are trying that one again right now as a last shot before we try an MAOI. [trigger] all I want to do is go home and down a couple bottles of pills[\trigger]. But I can't do that to my wife and kids. So then I start wishing for a tractor trailer to crash into me so I can die in an accident. I am meeting tomorrow with a DBT therapist for an intake interview to a DBT group. Hoping that that will help me.

I can't stand being in my own skin right now. The impulses to do something stupid are getting stronger.

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The objective of drugs is to release serotonin neuro transmiter in the brain which is the feel good chemical. There are many ways to accomplish serotonin release so that is probably the foundation of what you are after.

I use these in combinations. Mindfulness meditation (mind), gabrielle roth's 5 rhythms of dance (heart), and trauma release exercise (body). You can google any of these.

Let me know if there is anything else I can help with.

[Crook32]

So I will be starting the DBT group next week. I am not really looking forward to it I don't like groups. All I can think about right now is how much I wish I had my pills. Work is so hard I can't concentrate and have no motivation. It is so hard to pretend like everything is ok.
I know my wife and kids love me but is it enough?

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[(JD)]

One foot in front of the other.
Block the negative thoughts as much as you can.
Write out mantras to read... I can get through this. This won't last, it never does. I won't feel this low forever, it will lift.

Distract yourself --your thinking-- away from how bad you feel, how dark and negative life is... all that... distract yourself and find good words to tell yourself.

[shezbut]

I would advise you to focus on each moment. Not the past moments, not the future....the current moment. Simplify your thoughts by not allowing yourself to dwell on other thoughts. You are at work. Focus your sight, hearing, smell, touch, etc in what task you are working on right now. Work moment through moment. It really helps me a lot. Please do try it.

When times become too difficult for you to manage your depression, reach out to your pDoc or T. You need someone that you can be 100% honest with about anything, without fear of possible consequences.

I wish you the very best! Gentle hugs sent your way...

[Crook32]

Just had another session with my T. It was very hard. I had to sit in the car for a little bit before going back to work to try and regroup.

I am trying to just focus on some small tasks for the rest of the day so that I can make it through.

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[stewartmays1]

im right down in my boots to but things can get better in time

[Fuzzybear]

[hopeless2015]

Somedays at work I just tell myself just get through the next hour and then again if I have to ...I spend that hour really trying to finish up a couple of small tasks just get something done and its helped me out a lot lately. My job isn't all that challenging or mentally stimulating and thats certainly not helpful when im in a depressive state of mind so getting through an hour at a time is all I can do right now.

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[Crook32]

I have been using the online crisis chat a lot recently to try and get some of my thoughts out. I am worried that I can't be as open with my therapist because I am worried she will put me in the hospital. I am starting the DBT group Wednesday so we will have to see how that goes. I am still having constant suicidal thoughts though.

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[Crook32]

I am just pushing everyone away that could possibly care about me. I sent my therapist a passive aggressive email to check in with her.

Why am I self sabotaging?

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