[orenishii]

Hi everyone,

I've been suicidal my entire life. The thought of it is always in the back of my mind; it just resurfaces more strongly sometimes. Right now is one of those times.

I'm perfectly rational. When discussing the subject with friends, I can do it clearly, succinctly and with reason. I'm not in any more pain than I think an average person experiences; I just have an urge to end my life. Tired of being here.

Truthfully, I've been hanging on for others...you know that whole thing about "hurting loved ones" and "being selfish." This is my life, though! I didn't have a choice in how it began. Why can't I decide when/how it ends?

At this point, I feel like I'm just postponing the inevitable. Ever felt like this? If you really want to die, why are you still here?

[FooZe]

Hi, orenishii, welcome to Psych Central!

Originally Posted by orenishii

Ever felt like this? If you really want to die, why are you still here?

It sounds to me as if you feel more than one way about it. So far some of your self-talk has been about wanting to die. It's worth noting, though, that your actions have been about keeping you around -- and both are you.

I used to think I needed to make what I was doing fit with what I was saying, or I'd be in some kind of trouble. I'm finding it works much better (for me, at least) to pay attention to what I am doing and use that as a guide to what I "should" be doing. As I put it some years ago:

Originally Posted by FooZe

When there's something I think I need to do, I go on about my business -- and see whether I actually get to that thing I "need" to do or not. If not, I accept that as a message (from myself, from the universe, whatever) that I chose not to do it at that time. I may not find out till much later, if ever, "why" I so chose.

[cloudyn808]

I'm so sorry you are living life in this way- It's hard- I know because that's how I exist, each and every day. But, I know these feelings are symptoms of my illness. I'm doing everything in my power to find some relief, no one should carry such a heavy burden.

I hope you have access to good medical care- Last week I found a new doc who understands I can't keep living like this. I'm on a couple "last-chance" medications that I hope will help in the next few weeks...

It does help when I smply "observe" those thoughts...Observe them come and go....

Philosophically speaking, just the act of living is postponing the inevitable. You're doing it with the weight of depression on your shoulders, others are doing it in complete oblivion. Wish I could smack them. lol

[Skeezyks]

Originally Posted by orenishii

Hi everyone,

I've been suicidal my entire life. The thought of it is always in the back of my mind; it just resurfaces more strongly sometimes. Right now is one of those times.

I'm perfectly rational. When discussing the subject with friends, I can do it clearly, succinctly and with reason. I'm not in any more pain than I think an average person experiences; I just have an urge to end my life. Tired of being here.

Truthfully, I've been hanging on for others...you know that whole thing about "hurting loved ones" and "being selfish." This is my life, though! I didn't have a choice in how it began. Why can't I decide when/how it ends?

At this point, I feel like I'm just postponing the inevitable. Ever felt like this? If you really want to die, why are you still here?

Hello orenishii: Yes... I tell myself I wish I would die every day... multiple times a day. Periodically I have the urge to take some positive steps in that direction. I've tried to end it all twice before. I say I'm hanging on for my wife. She doesn't have anyone else. And while that's true... it's also true that I don't currently have easy access to an easy way out & I'm too cowardly to do something violent. So I just keep plodding on day-after-day... I wish there were an alternative. But there's not...

[Evaluna]

I have been having these thoughts daily for the last few weeks and it's very new to me. Whereas before it might cross my mind but then I'd shut it down completely these days I actually think about what would happen if I wasn't here.

I don't specifically think of a way to do it, I just think that all these feelings would just go away if I wasn't here to have them. My daughter keeps me from doing anything silly but some days I have the idea that that she would be better off without me. Those days are scary. But somehow we manage to get through one day, and then another and another.

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[Fuzzybear]

I have these more often than I wish to say