How to recapture ambition and motivation?

I am looking for answers, but I'm not really sure that I want them. My husband says that I am floating through life not caring about anything. I suppose this is very close to the truth. He finds it very frustrating, which upsets me, but I'm not sure how to go back to the person I was when I actually thought that hard work, diligence and intelligence would get me somewhere.

So, here's the gist: I'm 47. I have a Master's degree and taught college for 20 years - but mostly as an adjunct, which means very low pay and no security. I've had full time teaching positions but they always take me away from where my family and I want to live. We never make it more than a year before we are so homesick that we come home.... back to adjuncting. There's too much to explain about adjuncting and how it debilitates a person. Along the way, I applied and was accepted to a PhD program, but we couldn't make it work because my husband did not want to live in poverty for 5 years. This was over 10 years ago, and I've accepted it, but there is still that feeling that I gave up on a dream to make him happy. Don't get me wrong here. I completely understand that it was ultimately my choice. I could have pushed harder or just left him and gone to do it anyway. I chose to take a different path and focus on my family instead.

So, a few years back I took a job as an assistant manager for an apartment complex - thinking that I would start a new career with more security. Unfortunately, this new career did not work out because the women I worked with were backstabbers. It's quite a long story, but in a nutshell, I learned about managing a complex and was good at it, but I just don't have the personality to get ahead. I did it for over a year and helped train new employees, but I'm not good at being ruthless. I ended up getting fired because people just outright lied about me. I have difficulty putting my own needs ahead of others, so I didn't tell the owners that the new lady they hired got arrested and didn't seem to know what she was doing with the paperwork - despite me showing her over and over for 3 months. This seems to be my biggest downfall in life. I can't bring myself to speak up for myself. If people can't see that I am hardworking and honest, then I am not going to tell them I am.

I have accepted that my unwillingness to be ruthless and cut throat and use others to my advantage have severely limited my ability to find a good job with security and decent pay, but my husband can not seem to accept this. He wants me to be the motivated, ambitious person I was in my 20s before I had been knocked down over and over. I just don't see the point. Do I wish I had more money? Sure, we need more just to make ends meet. Do I wish I had a job that offered security and I enjoy - like I enjoy teaching. Sure. I just don't think I'm willing or even capable of what it seems to take to get ahead in today's world. It's causing problems in my marriage, as he has expectations that I can't seem to meet. It's just easier to give up wanting or expecting things than to constantly get shoved back down in the dirt. It hurts less. So...am I depressed? Not terribly. I'm fine with just floating along, working part time jobs teaching and tutoring, which I enjoy but just don't pay the bills. I have happy days when I'm just glad the sun is shining and then I have days where I just go through the motions...but I'm still moving and thinking and breathing. I have my depressive cycles but I fight through them.

Is there a way to recapture the motivation I once had without actually having expectations - because expectations just lead to hurt. I'd rather accept what I have that is good, accept that life is not fair, and accept that sometimes things just don't work out. I suppose I've given up hope, but I'm not really sure that I want it back.= hence, my posting name - weakness

Hello weakness: Well... I'll mention first that I'm 67... so a bit older than you are. I haven't been employed for... oh... probably 15 years or so. I sort-of just aged into retirement. My unemployment resulted from a mixture of untreated mental health problems, physical health problems, & my inability to succeed at much of anything. Fortunately, my wife held a good job & she was supportive of me staying home.

As a result of my being unemployed, however, our income took a hit. We're both retired now. And although we're okay financially, we would be allot better off if I had continued working all those years. Do I wish things had been different & I had been able to continue working? Well... yes-&-no. Could I have been a success in my vocational life... absolutely. But the reality of my vocational history was that I would probably have just continued to stumble from one failure to the next, with who knows what result.

At this point, I live a pretty simple life. I have made a commitment to myself not to spend any money on myself that isn't necessary. We only have one car & I don't drive or go anywhere. If I happen to need an article of clothing, there's a thrift store nearby. Like you, I have depressive cycles. But I fight through them. This is simply the way life has turned out for me. It could be allot worse...

My thinking is that trying to go back & recapture the motivation you once had without having any expectations would be an enormous task. Conditions change over time. I know I can never be the person I was thirty or forty years ago. (In my case, I wouldn't want to!) To me what is important is to be at peace with the way things are now & to be able to build on that in whatever way I wish to do so. To me that's not weakness... it is equanimity...

Look into the blue or throat chakra. It deals with speaking the truth. There's a great book you should check out called Radical Honesty "how to transform your life by telling the truth"

There are many levels and systems to motivation. Here are some systems you should check out:
-5 love languages
-Myers Briggs
-enneagram
-strengths finder 2.0
-queen,mother, witch, beloved
-learning styles which are why, what, how,what if etc

There is also power, affiliation, and achievement model.

It seems there are high expectations from your husband. Don't try to change him. When we want to change another person, we don't truly love them as they are and wished they were different.

Sometimes your weaknesses lead to strength. Hence the word, vitality.

I can relate so much to your situation. I am older than you and feel like my career is over, even though I have to keep working because we have children to put through college. I am not happy where I am, but the thought of plunging into the job market feels overwhelming. So I stay stuck.

Sometimes work situations just beat you down and leave you feeling defeated. I used to feel I could advance in my current job, but have been rebuffed and misled time and time again. I feel like I have hit a wall. The result? Depression and anxiety, which makes it even harder to move forward. I actually have a job interview coming up and I am terrified. But I realize that I have to step up to the plate and keep going, depression be damned. What is the alternative? I'll do the interview even though I feel like ****.

I wish you all the best.

I was when I actually thought that hard work, diligence and intelligence would get me somewhere You are the person you think you are. Perhaps you could use this floating as an opportunity to re-evaluate your options. Research what you can/could/want to do might be way to recapture your motivation and energy. I wonder if you could start with a list, get your husband to help, or ask friends what they see you as doing. Much you will discount but some will give you hope. If your husband buys into what you want to do, as he did not over the PhD he may be more supportive. Good luck.

Weakness, I could have written this post myself, except for the part about your husband and the fact that I’m 30 rather than 47. I also enjoy teaching, and thought that teaching at the college level would be a good fit because I’m not good at working with groups of kids. After reading a book about the plight of adjuncts, I figured I’d better go get a PhD. The thing is, after talking recently with a few college teachers and some friends who are entering the academic job market, it seems like there can be some pretty horrible politics in that arena. I have basically no willingness to play politics, so I find myself very reluctant to commit the next 5-7+ years of my life to going down that road.

I could go back into software but I just don’t have enough interest in technology to keep up with the hyper-rapid pace of change in that field. Fortunately I made enough money in my most recent software job that I can float and work part-time for a little while.

As far as being able to deal with back-stabbers and brown-nosers and highly judgmental people, I don’t know what to tell you, because that’s exactly what is holding me back as well. But respecting others and not taking advantage of them is NOT a weakness. We need more people like that.

I'm sending you best wishes for you job interview. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

LostIntrovert - the world of academia has become a strange and scary place - or maybe it always was. It is difficult to avoid the politics, which I'm finding even in the adjunct arena when I am trying diligently to stay away from all other teachers and just teach my classes and leave. The others find me...they want me to be on "their side" and I just don't want to play that game at all.

Thanks for what you said at the end of your post. I just don't feel capable of living my life abusing others to make myself succeed.

Thanks to all of you for your information, support and sharing. I think I'll just have to keep doing what I do and just deal with my husband complaining. We've been married 25 years, so the worst that will happen is that his expectations will make me feel inadequate and guilty.