[Sabelian]

Lets see, where do I start?

A few years ago I met a wonderful girl at work. We were always just friends. We would hang out often and talk, laugh, look for crazy stuff on the internet, etc. She had a boyfriend at the time, so I never made a move. My job transferred me to another city for a year and when I got back I found out she had broken up with her boyfriend and moved to Kansas City. I call her, and it seems we picked up right where we left off. Happy happy . I thought this was the girl for me. I could see myself happy with her forever. So I go see her for new years in KC. We hit it off wonderfully. After a few days my mind is made up. She's it. I ask her to move back to Tx with me, and we should talk about getting married! She agrees, much to my delight! Now I had known she had a couple of medical problems in the past, but had surgery. Specifically endometriosis, endocystitis. I also knew that she was unable to have children, but thought we could work around that if needed. What I didn't know is that she was also clinically depressed. As soon as she moved down here I could see a major difference. Turns out that I came along a week after she had been raped. Adding to the story she had her father sexually abuse her as a child, and had been dealing with depression her entire life. She didn't want to work anymore. She refused to eat. Hadn't left the house in a month, when she decides our relationship was over. So I buy her a ticket back to KC. A few days later she wants to come back, so I of course say yes! She gets back, everything seems ok for a couple of days. Then it's back to the same thing. She dissapeared for a couple of days about 2 months ago. I called her mother and had a long talk. I spoke to her friends, whom she hadn't spoken to in months. No one had any clues as to where she was. When I found her she had taken and entire bottle of vicodin and colonipin, plastic bag over her head. I cried for days. After a week of recovering, she promised to go to work, go outside, etc. At least pretend to have a somewhat normal life. As of the day I found her half dead, she hasn't left the house in 2 months. She refuses to bathe more than once a week. goes on eating binges, then will not eat for a week. She takes 10-15 vicodin a day to deal with pain related to her illness (i don't know if that's really it, or just taking them to get high) At this point I don't know what to do. I love the girl I first met and thought i knew all this time. I'm trying to understand. i want her to be better. She takes welbutrin twice a day, but doesn't seem to help. She says her goal this year is to not kill herself. Please help. I need her in my life, just not like this. I love her so much, I can't stand the thought of letting her go. But is that my only option? I need to have somewhat of a social life. I spend my days looking after her. I spend every penny and more getting her "medicine" What am I to do?

[InACorner]

hi its nice to meet you....i hope you like it here...
i dont post much in the depression forum .....but i saw your post and it struck a chord and i need to reply to you.....see my boyfriend is in the same place as you....i am kinda just falling downhill alot and he gets all hyped on my good days....for me it means alot to me when he gets up at 1 am because i text him that im feeling unstable ....if you love her dont leave her just to get a social life...but do take some time for yourself....get some friends who will take you out to eat and liven yourself up again... make sure you keep yourself healthy...but understand why she is so depressed what she went through is pretty horrible ....perhaps take her to see a therapist? It will be ok....do what you feel you need to do in your heart.....good luck
love, inny

[Direction]

Inny you expressed this wonderfully...Sabelian welcome to PC...I think you will probably find some really good information here as well as support for helping someone like your g/f...

[spal]

Your g/f must get under a doctor's care right away if she isn't already. This woman has many issues to address and you cannot do it on your own. Her medication is not working. She is also using Vicodin which is very addictive and at the rate she is popping the pills, it sounds like she is addicted. The withdrawal from this is pretty intense, I have heard. Is she properly diagnosed? Is she clinically depressed or bipolar? Is she the one that told you about her diagnosis or a doctor? What about her family? How have they been coping with this in the past?

I think that the thing that you need to do is inform yourself. If your g/f is seeing a therapist, then maybe start by talking to the therapist. Tell him/her about the situation and get some advice. If she is not seeing a therapist, then get in touch with a local mental health centre and get some resources.

The worse thing you can do is get into her emotional headspace and be depressed yourself. Remember, she is suffering from a mental disorder which skews perception and thinking. Be supportive and loving but get some support for yourself. Find time to go out with friends and family to decompress. But get some information and advice from a professional source who knows how to deal with this type of situation. Good luck!

[dreamrunner]

Your G/F is lucky to have you and lucky that you care so much.
Im the mother of a 21 year old and If she were my daughter I would insist of immediate care for her.Doctor/emergency whatever.
She needs you to step up and make the decisions for her as she may not able to do it for herself.Drugs and depression is a VERY bad mix.....believe me I know.
With the right help things CAN get better.
Good luck and read as much about depression etc as you can,that will really help too.

[Sabelian]

She has seen a therapist before, just never wanted to stick with it. She gets angry with me when I try to talk to her about her depression. She's angry because she thinks she'll never have the life she wants. Yet when I ask her what life that is, she ignores me. She constantly complains that we're broke...but doesn't understand that we would have lots more money if I wasn't spending $1000 a month on vicodin. Right now I have $7.13 in the bank, and of course she needs more pills. I don't want to see her in pain, but I can't handle this. I'm sure she blames me for everything that is wrong. Honestly i've tried my hardest, and that doesn't seem to be good enough to make her happy.

[meander]

OK, firstly you have to look after yourself. This is really important. It's not your fault this is happening.

Of course, it's not her fault either, but she's the one with the depression here. It's almost impossible to "fix" someone, all you can do is be there and point her in the right direction. Like encouraging her to go to therapy, maybe, even if she doesn't go.

Anger and depression often go hand in hand, it seems oft-quoted here on PC that "depression is anger turned inwards."

I think you're absolutely wonderful for doing what you're doing, but don't lose yourself in her fight. If she really wants to get better (and realising what your problem is is the first step) then she'll reach out somehow. Maybe she's not quite ready for that yet, so I guess all you can do is just sit there with her and be there when she's ready.

Also, I'd be wary at spending all your money on her meds, altho it is a nice thing to do... are there any alternate sources of funding? Government subsidies/ health insurance/ her family? If she is in chronic pain, would there be some kind of benefit from the government? (I'm in NZ, and here she could go on a sickness benefit probably).

At the end of the day, if it's too much to cope with, let her go. It's your life you may be messing up..

[spal]

Is there anyone that you can talk to? It seems to me that on top of her depression, your g/f is addicted to Vicodin. She may need to be put in a treatment facility to get the drug out of her system and then be treated for depression.

This is certainly not your fault and there is only so much that you can do. Your g/f sounds like she is addicted and this is totally skewing her thinking. So you cannot internalize her rage. This is not a moral judgment on her. This is just how addiction works. Plenty of wonderful people are recovering addicts or dealing with depression. It's the disease and not the person who is at fault. I would try to look at it this way and start dealing with the disease. It makes it less emotionally volatile for you.

I don't know what resources are available where you are but you must seek them out. Continuing this way is not helping you or her. There has to be some professional intervention. Can you talk to anyone -- a mental health professional to see what your options are? It seems to me that you need more than encouragement. You need to get some real facts and make some tough decisions or else both of you will be out on the streets. How are you going to help her or yourself then? Share this with someone that can offer some real-life support for you. Don't feel bad or ashamed that you cannot "solve" this problem. You are not a trained mental health professional, which is what your g/f needs. She may tell you that all she needs is your love, support and money to get more Vicodin -- that way she just keeps her addiction going but she really needs the intervention of a mental health professional for it to stop and she can't see this in her present state. I know that it may be hard to reach out for help but please put your whatever feelings are keeping you from doing this aside for your own sake and for hers.

[LittleMouse]

Sounds like you really have your hands full. My first question I think is where is she getting all the Vicodin from?????? If she has an abuse problem and it sounds like she does then I would try to find out who her doctor is and maybe have a chat with him or her. I hate this for you and for your g/f as it sounds like she is really depressed and in need of detox from pain medication and maybe trying a new antidepressant if her current meds are not helping her depression.

[onyx69000]

hi new to th forum myself my first instinct tells me to tell you to have her seen right away wether by a primary doc (like the one who give her the vicodan) or by a therapist. if she's as sad as you say she is she might need to be put in a treatment facility. i've been to one myself was there 2 weeks when i was suicidal (mostly from undiagnosed bp and a bad realtionship) any way i feel for you and her. this is nobody's fault. it's a chemical inbalance plus her life experiences. feel free to pm me if you want me to go deeper into how i was helped . too personal for the forum-onyx