[sujunew]

<Sorry, i started off ranting and raving (all the way to the end of the post actually) and have just seen how long it is. Sorry, just ignore all the nonsense!!! (Well, ok, then in that case just ignore this post).>

things just seem to be spiralling downwards too fast
seems the worse things get the more i must wear my 'i'm ok' mask- things have been going so well at work, and a friend rang just earlier and said i was sounding really great (no i didn't tell her any of how i am really feeling- she lives 1000km away AND was in the middle of work). Yet things are soooo crappy right now. The poor kids ended up wearing the brunt of it all this evening, and they didn't even deserve it. It was like everything they did somehow annoyed me so much that i couldn't cope with any of it...
at least by the time they went to bed i had 'reined myself in' and we were able to all have some nice cuddles etc
but it doesn't make up for a mother who 1 minute is so loving and caring and the next minute is screaming blue murder at them for no reason.
it got so bad at 1 point that i took myself into the kitchen and was so overwhelmed with this uncontrolled anger and rage and fury that i was literally spinning round and round i was so dizzy from it
i keep thinking about something i read about having a BPD mother- how the children never knew what was coming next; when the next onslaught would begin etc. that just intensifies my guilt coz i keep putting myself in their shoes and have so much awareness about what they might be feeling; how scared they must be. but i can't control myself. worse still, my father arrives tomorrow for a week-long visit. He is not really any support... His BPII affects him in his interactions with his granddaughters- he has zero tolerance (not good when one of the girls has SEVERE behaviourla issues, a brain injury and is extremely challenging) and so even asking him to look after her (the other I can put into daycare) while I have a pdoc visit next week is going to be a super-huge thing. Also the house is a tip, i haven't gone round checking that stuff I don't want him to see/find (more to do with SI) are well hidden; even the dishes aren't done yet and it is midnight already... he will be here in about 11 hours. I have no motivation and am specialising in procrastination right now (easy to tell as I am here and not doing al that stuff). I am also freezing cold- the fire is more-or-less out and the temp is about 0oC... so i guess i should really quit my moaning and whineing, and try to do as much as i can around the place now; it will warm me up a bit AND tidy the place up. Won't take away the guilt for treating the girls the way i did, or the fact that i am sooo not coping with things yet the more i don't cope the more my 'mask' tells ppl the opposite. And i can't even ask for help. the worse i feel the more i isolate and physically can't ask for any type of help- something inside stops me. i rang my friend earlier coz i really needed...something...?someone to say that i wasn't sounding so great etc, i guess just to validate my feeling more than anything and i REALLY didn't help when she kept saying that i sounded so good and that everything sounded so good for me...i don't know. see the pdoc on tues; kinda dreading any questions he might ask (if it wasn't for the fact that i don't normally miss appts because i feel a real sense of obligation; and that my psych nurse is taking me i would just not go)- a lot has happened since the last time (the 1st time!) i saw him. Giving up seems like the best option, but for the sake of my girls and all the fighting i have been doing for them this year and how much i love them... (giving up=crawling into bed, going to sleep and not waking up til everything is suddenly 100% ok... my dream way of solving all this hurt and pain)...

[Direction]

My children have taken my sudden outburst (BP and BPD tendencies)...it is very humbling to apologize to them...a sincere apology does do wonders...

Sounds like grandpa may need some ground rules...a good candid over the phone conversation can set up scenerios that will help him take "time outs". What ever the problems in the past write them down and help him find away...ultimate rule...if he can't follow them or becomes disruptive you will need to ask him to leave...this should be done before he arrives if at all possible, so he can decide if he can live with these conditions...If not possible...as soon as all the initial flurry is over with have the conversation then...

[gostryter]

i do hope you are feeling better!

i'm so thrilled for your girls!!! they have a brave mother trying her best!! don't give up!

depression runs in my family. i'm 32 now and raised with a mom suffering from depression - i know this now. she was raised by an abusive alcoholic father. so to her our family was wonderful - perfect. but the depression was there...for her and for me. i cut my wrist when i was 14 and overdosed when i was 19. my actions were what finally sent her into therapy and put her on medication.

but you see the problems you're having and trying to deal with them. i hope and pray your girls never have to suffer from depression. but if they do, they will have you as a role model to look to.

take care!

[meander]

(((irish)))

I think there's been some good advice posted, best of luck for the visit, hope it goes smoothly.

[sujunew]

(((meander, gostryter, direction)))
thanks for your posts. things are much better now- i think i was just having a 'moment' lol!!! Most of the time i can handle all the stress, just sometimes i have to let it out. Visit with my father is going really well so far. Kids are loving having him here and he does done so many odd-jobs for me . Thanks again for the advice. Irish.