Low Self Esteem and Self Hatred

How do you deal with this? I feel like everyday of my life I've woken up, looked in the mirror and felt utter self hatred. It drives a lot of my unhealthy behaviours but I just can't seem to get out of it. No matter how many people have told me I'm not a bad, horrible ugly person etc I just can't see it in myself.

Why do you think you are a bad, ugly and horrible person? Where is yer evidence?

I think self love and a sense of worth comes from how we treat ourselves mainly.

Certainly hearing it from others and others mirroring us, healthy relationships, helping others is very healing and powerful but at the end of the day I am looking at myself in the mirror.

I was very shame based for a long time. I can't really say how much of it came from childhood or from my own behaviors I was ashamed of or from the depression itself. The depression for sure had a lot to do with it because when I am depressed I can't live up to the expectations of others and that makes me very ashamed.

One of the most loving things I ever did for myself was to give myself permission to be who I am. Actually that was prompted by a group of people who actually did accept me exactly as I was. No judgement. It had never occurred to me to give myself permission to be depressed. To accept myself as I was while also having a desire to change.

If I make a list each day of what I did for myself, acts of self love, it can change my outlook somewhat.

I brushed my teeth. Holy crap good job.
I actually took a shower. Holy crap good job.
I called in my prescriptions and picked them up. That is huge.
I posted in this forum.
I answered a post in this forum.
I did some shoveling in the driveway.

Then a list of things I could have done differently that were maybe not in my best interest.
The focus here is to forgive myself for messing up. I am human. I am a work in progress. Rome wasn't built in a day. It's ok to mess up. Can I take a detached non-judgmental view of myself, my thoughts, feelings, and actions, and then try to make a small improvement in one area or another. Tomorrow is another day. Give myself credit for even having the awareness to look at these things and have a desire to improve.

One of the strange things I think is that its good to hate on myself, it's like if I can punish myself enough then I'll be a good and worthy person. I've been told by countless psychologists and psychiatrists to be kind to myself and treat myself well but I just can't. I'm also anorexic and starve myself and feel good that I can hurt myself so much. I'm now in the process of being sent for heart tests as the docs think I may have damaged my heart with not eating. I don't even care that I might have seriously hurt myself or what they find.