Unable to cope for much longer.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, I'm on medication which I'm not really taking at the moment (Sertraline 50mg) and I don't know how long I can cope living the way I do.

I used to see a mental health worker regularly (once every week or two weeks) and she came to my house for an hour. She helped for a bit but then I started going downhill again. Then she stopped working, no idea why, and it took 3 months for me to start seeing someone new. This woman is useless, she only has time to see me once a month and I really don't like her. To be honest, the woman I saw before was the first person I didn't mind talking to in years.

I was in hospital last year (July and August) (just in general hospital) for overdoses, twice in the space of 3 weeks, and the mental health team still didn't want to admit me to hospital. My mum didn't want me to go either, and no one would listen to me when I said I was scared of hurting myself again. My boyfriend has been a big help and he's stopped me from attempting suicide again, so had my puppy (I got her last September to help with my depression) but now I'm going back downhil and I'm not entirely sure I want to get better anymore. Part of me does, part of me feels that's only going to happen if I get admitted into hospital but that's not going to happen - nhs barely admit people to hospital unless they are literally about to kill themselves.

My life is quickly going bad again, I don't remember to take my meds, I barely eat, I barely shower or get dressed and the only time I leave my room is when I sit in the lounge with my dog and watch tv (from 10am until about 5pm), and I rarely move out of my spot the entire day. It's affecting my dog because I barely walk her, my mum walks her on an evening and my boyfriend tires her out when he comes round, but I rarely ever leave the house anymore unless I'm with my boyfriend (my anxiety makes it difficult to leave) and when I do leave, it's usually only to go to McDonald's in which case I don't get out of the car.

I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm falling into a big black hole and I'm not going to be able to get out.

So in the UK do they have private clinics ?

Also setting an alarm clock is an idea to take your Meds.

i understand you...

try to make a routine for taking your medication... it wont work properly unless you take it everyday...
i take mine first thing in the morning when i crawl/fall out of bed and grab a cup of coffee - cigarette...
some times its easier to remember to take them before you laydown to sleep...

personally antidepressant by itself has never helped me in anyway...
i've tried several and the only time my depression lifted a bit was when i was over medicated - but i was taking a bit too many pills then.. all prescribed of course

i think the seroquel helped more than any of them... and the klonopins...
but seroquel will make you sleep so you have to take it like right before you lay down to sleep...

being admited to hospital didnt help me any... because i was being treated for bipolar anyway and i dont have bipolar... they just gave me more meds and increased the doses... the only good thing the hospital did for me was keep me from cutting myself...

do you have a psychiatrist? therapist? or seeing just a general practitioner?
regular doctors wont be able to really zero in on your symptoms and treat the specifics... if you cann need to get a psychiatrist - that is best because it is for the longer term ... the hospital can be good for imediate crisis intervention... but it wont make all of your problems just go away you know...?

im sorry you are having a hard time... i think its time for you to either increase the zoloft (50mg isnt that much..) i was on 200mg zoloft...
and time for you to see a profesional that can zero in on your symptoms and treat them specifically... with stronger meds...

stay strong... and keep writing here if it helps you even just a little....

I've been seeing a "therapist" from the mental health team, she's a community nurse who specialises in mental health. I do have a psychiatrist who I'm supposed to meet with every three or so months. Last time I saw him was about six months ago - appointments are arranged through the mental health team who see me, I have no contact details for him.

I am planning on telling him, when/if I do see him soon, that I either need more help as in more qualified/more regular people to see and speak to, or hospital as a last resort. I'm afraid of myself and I'm afraid I'll end up giving up completely.

My mum recently went to the doctors (general practitioner) and straight away got 50mg of an anti-depressant I was on a few months ago. So yeah, I feel like the mental health team have kind of just forgotten about me. She is also seeing someone once every two weeks.

I am just a bit fed up of being over looked. They over looked me 3 years ago when I was in hospital for an overdose, they over looked me the numerous times when I got black-out drunk alone in my room because I couldn't cope, they over looked me when I ended up in hospital twice in a month because of two overdoses within a week of each other and then still claimed I didn't need to be hospitalised. I was also told three weeks before my eighteenth birthday that I wasn't "bad enough" to be seen by the Adult Mental Health Team. So yeah, very fed up of the NHS Mental Health teams.

the psychiatrist deal is kinda like how mine was at the old clinic i was goin to...
i didnt like him much ...

it seems like everyone i hear from in the UK has a hard time with these doctors...
is it like that all over the place in the uk?

i know how fed up you are, believe me.. its horrible having to deal with this and having to fight doctors too...
all i can say is you HAVE to keep going ok? keep fighting this stuff and if it means looking for a new doctor then thats ok, i had to leave my old pdoc because he was crazier than me....
now im on no meds without pdoc and just miserable as hell...

but its ok, im looking... im trying... have to fight the system and all that...

how long have you been depressed?
have you been depressed in just 1 "episode" or have you gotten a bit better and have it come back a few times?

please i know how frustrated you are so take it out here - talk it out - all that

Apparently it's like this all over the UK. It might be better further south but I'm in the north and people are struggling to find help and if you go to the doctors they just shovel anti-depressants into you without referring you to a mental health team. And if you do get deemed "serious enough" they send you to a mental hospital which can be anywhere from 50 miles up to 200 miles away from your home city. It's pretty horrific. The last part - distance - doesn't bother me since I'm pretty much alone in my house anyway.

I've been depressed for about 5 years, I was first referred to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health team (CAMHS) when I was in hospital 3 years ago for suicide attempt. I was 14 I think, they sent me home and I saw a clinical psychologist every 2 weeks. I then felt better and stopped seeing her. A year later, I got drunk and passed out alone in my room, I was still 14. My mum was at the end of her wits and forced me to start seeing someone again. Since then, it's been very on and off. I moved country in 2013 (I just turned 16), went to go live with my dad. I tried to move and live with him in 2011, but had to come home because he it turned out he was an alcoholic. But, nonetheless, my impulsivity resulted in me going back there. Came home in the August, started college in September, dropped out of college by October. I then sat at home depressed and suicidal for a year, tried college again and managed to last until Easter (that was last year, so 2015). 2015 July, I ended up in hospital again, twice. Got referred to the adult mental health team in July and since then it's been pretty pointless.

And all throughout this, I will go through a period of a month of being severely depressed - not showering, not eating, my anxiety will be through the roof and I'll be pretty severely out of it. Then for a week or two, I get a period of "happiness". I'll go out every day into town, go shopping, spend all my money, move country etc. I put happiness in speech marks because I have no idea if I'm actually happy. It's more of a false state of happiness where I am high strung, irritable and very impulsive.

Lately I've been having much shorter episodes, so I will be depressed for a few days and happy for a day and so on. Yesterday was like that, I got up, got dressed. My boyfriend came and picked me up to get a McDonalds. I ended up buying a MacBook with money I don't really have to spare. I still don't necessarily regret it but I definitely didn't need to spend £1000 and probably should have thought about it. My impulsiveness gets me into a lot of sticky situations. I spent about £600 on a holiday for me and my boyfriend, again, money I didn't have to spare really. I got a dog last September - first dog I saw, I took home. Same with my cat a few years ago - went to the shelter, saw my cat and took her home before looking at any of the others. Oh and last week, I went to the pet shop to buy my dog her food, I ended up ringing my mum asking if she'd let me bring home a rabbit. ??? I don't even know. I love animals but I'd never even though of a rabbit before.. I ended up crying in the car with my boyfriend and the next day I forgot about it and was onto a new thing.

I also do this with my career choices. The thing my depression hasn't robbed me of it my hope for the future - which is awesome, don't get me wrong. But I have a lot of interests, or at least a lot of options I could see myself enjoying. One day I want to study law, next it's biochemistry, next it's physiotherapy or nursing, next it's history or english. I've always been like this and it's causing more and more anxiety as I get closer to applying to college for a 3rd time.

I hate my brain, absolutely 100% hate my head. I hate how I think and how I behave. I've got a million and one things I could talk about - not just impulsivity and depression/anxiety. Ugh. I'm getting to the end of my wits.

sorry i just now saw your post...

have you been evaluated for bipolar?
from my understanding if you have bipolar and take antidepressant by itself it can make it alot worse... cause mania and stuff...
when you feel happy those days do you feel elated? or a little euphoric?

im definitely not a professional, just seem like maybe it could be bipolar...
impulssivity is an indicator(like spending money).. the mood changes is an indicator..
maybe something you can look into and see if you relate with bipolar symptoms?

i know how frustrated you are... but dont give up...
im currently miserable as hell too because i cant get a doctor... but as long as we keep fighting, keep that hope for the future like you said, we can hopefully find success and relief