Escapism

I won't say that I don't know where to start but I know exactly where.

From the beginning.(Please take your time to read this)

Technology is great isn't it, well technology allowed my mother to meet her second husband whom turned out to be a alcoholic, abusive ****. After a 2 and half year of sadness she finally divorced after refusing to take another beating by him.

Then about a year later she met someone she thought she loved. Everything was fine until he started to be more distant with her, not introducing her to his family, breaking promises when she waits for hours for him and having arguments back to back, day after day. This carried on for about 5 years and every time they would argue she would end up in tears and I mean crying her heart out. There I was everyday witnessing it as a 11 - 15/16 year old child.

Their breakup was during my GCSEs and it was a hard time for me, even though I passed them with good grades mostly based on common sense, it wasn't a physical abuse but a verbally and mental abuse relationship. After that I matured rapidly for my age.

Instead of building back up and recovering after that, she then went on to marry some other guy just after that summer. At least this one was introduced through family friends. Now she regrets ever marrying him but she needs someone to take care of her so she stays and acts but the thing is that she is a terrible liar but she has to because she tired of being a cleaner, cleaning people's crap and living off loans after loans then the debts that come after.

She knows that she hasn't been a good mother, more of a friend or provider, and made too many mistakes but she expects me to live my life and save myself and thats I need to do.

With this new guy now, I don't get along anymore. One of the main reasons now why my mother cannot stand him is because of me. But she can't only blame me as the only reason we're in this state is because of who he is and his personality/nature. He is stubborn and narrow minded. When I started College (uk college not american) I was struggling and because of my laziness and depression in the mornings I skipped a lot of lessons and no homework was ever handed in, due to these actions I obviously started to show signs of failure. Then when my teachers called my parents in and found out. My Mum and him decided to switch off the Internet.

Now this is where the title comes into play. All my life I have played video games and watched anime, now a teen thats used to that life style just had his entertainment taken away from him obviously made him more upset. I knew that it was the right thing to do but I couldn't do work I just couldn't and it killed me and thats what caused one of the biggest arguments between them. My mum saw how much I was hurt and she begged him to switch it back on. I felt like I had lost my will to live and had been feeling until 2 weeks ago (maybe still feeling idk).

I just became soo depressed, I never showed it anyone outside, haven't even told my actual father who I keep in touch with. I never had a proper male role model in my life and I feel like that was a big impact on my mother's method of raising me. Now that I was depressed I went for help and my mother took me to her psychotherapist and then I was diagnosed with PTSD.

Then after a month or two when everything was back to neutral he comes home shouting as loud as ever, this is because he tried calling my mum and she wouldnt answer (this is because her phone is very buggy) then I wouldn't answer my phone (because I fell asleep on my bed) so he got worried. Now I understand that he would shout like that due to the kind of person he is. But then when he was shouting at my mum I woke up then when my mum was trying to explain she explained that her phone didn't ring and there was no evidence on her log (her phone is actually like super broken) and then he had the nerve to say , keep this in mind that he was yelling through out, that "Im calling your phone now and if I does ring then **** your lies" (I tried to translate this as accurately as possible so if its weird then know that it was in another language). Then guess what happened... it ringed. Well no **** if it didnt ring back then and it rings now it was just a conuesidence. Then that stupid comment made me snap at the time. So i started to punch and slam on the door, barging in and shouting back at him about how he shouldnt act like that. Its not like a I live in a fancy house wit three floors or some ****, I can hear everything and anything. So I hear him chat **** about me.

After all this I heard him say that he wants me out the house. And he never once told it to my face. He is a ***** and a coward. He doesnt even want me eating in the living room. After my mum tried to make me eat in my own room I told her that I hear everything and that I know everything. Then she probably told him that so now I don't eat on the massive coffee table like he does but on the dining table.

My mother has told me to succeed and I didn't just tell her ok i told her that I would free her and save her.

I use video games and technology as escapism, even when I have free time I cannot concentrate or even be bothered to study. My brain and body cries and breaks down every time I think about assignments or upcoming tests.

Im trying to get help on my illness but its taking too long. GP appointments are being set a week too late. I need to fix up and sort everything out but I can't do it. I don't have the motivation.

This is all I want to say, I could of went in depth but that's gonna take up most of my day and plus finger cramps.

So thank you for reading. I need help and fast before I fail my first year. The thing is I can always start again but I need to save my mother asap. If you didn't understand what I am fighting. I am fighting not only depression but myself.

-K

Is the pressure to succeed for the sake of saving your mother increasing your need for escape and/or undermining your powers of concentration? Does someone at your college know of your home situation?

Best wishes for success that will more than realise your hopes.

i hate it when this happens...
you are so strong... believe in yourself...
try to be patient with yourself... these things sometimes can't be rushed...
i know you are pressed for time and want out NOW... for your mother more than yourself but aslo yourself...

my escapism developed into more severe things i think... like dissociation...
dont beat yourself up for this... you are trying to cope with pretty extreme stress...

also i did spend alot of my time from 11yearsold-present day with video games trying to escape...
but my depression has taken all of my escapes away and im left with other things...
they have taken the internet away from me too... that was before and they saw the same thing - it deteriorated everything aout me becuase i didnt have any outlets...

can you talk to a therapist about these things?
you can talk here as much as you want and get support but talking with a professional therapist is really helpful... being able to sit down and actually have a real person in front of you understanding you and trying to help you 1 on 1...
get a trauma therapist... some therapist dont really do trauma and can seem to make it worse...

im sorry you are having to go through all of that...