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#1
Mar 14, 2016, 07:45 PM
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please dont read.... please dont read.... please dont read.... please dont read.... please dont read.... '  i can some times go a few days... i try to be strong, i dont want to do this stuff... just days like today... i break down... the only way i can put myself around others is if i bleed a little... to hide it, to have a real pain and see it... i have been drinking of course, like every day i can... as much as i can and everything... just feel like if i had a little weed i would not have resorted to such a stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid thing.... but its just sometmies some one can make me feel so... im not sure how to explain it... i feel so broken... i hate this .... i hate what i have to live through... i just want a different life... 2 days - now 0... 6 new cuts... but im fine.... i feel a little better... i just dont know why this happens... i want to be normal... just wish someone could hold me for a while.... what am i supposed to do.... i am clean always... i take care of the wounds... it makes me feel better, like i care for myself... willl take care of myself... but why hurt myself to feel like that... i dunno... im sorry me.... im sorry everyone... i failed again.... sorry... dont want to post this stuff... i just dont have anyone i can turn to... im sorry i let so many people down.... why do people affect me so much... why cant i just disappear....
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 anon72219, Aracnae, BlossomingLen, CognitoSchiz1989, EnglishDave, Fuzzybear, qwerty68, Takeshi
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#2
Mar 14, 2016, 07:55 PM
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hi soul. Sorry you are feeling so bad about your situation. It is a difficult challenge. Here is an article with an open minded author that lends some insight to SH.
Self-Harm: The Myths & the Facts | Embracing Balance
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Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
 elevatedsoul
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#3
Mar 14, 2016, 08:05 PM
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i know some people do it for attention...
i hate attention... i just wanna feel better... its better someimtes... sorry... os so so so sorry... thank you for the article...
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| Nimitri
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#4
Mar 14, 2016, 08:07 PM
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Quote:
You haven't let anyone down. You've simply acted the only way you thought you could. You're in pain and don't know what else to do, and after it all, you turn to a group you know will at least listen, even if they can't help. Not being affected by people is hard - hell if I know how to do it. It's largely an unconscious response you have little control over. I think that probably doesn't help, but you aren't doing anything wrong. You simply haven't figured out a defense, whatever it is. We're right here if you need to post. |
| Nimitri
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| elevatedsoul
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#5
Mar 14, 2016, 11:07 PM
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i really appreciate it..
when i first joined PC i was just looking for some answers because they had dx me bipolar... it confused the hell out of me... but i researched and listened to other bipolar peoples and i realized it really wasnt bipolar... i practically self diaxnosed myself with the exact same thing this psychologist dx me with in feb for 1500$ like 3 years ago, by myself ;S but the mental health clinic i was seeing would not listen to me... i guess they thought i couldnt know what what was going on with me... like i had little insight... thats just part of my problem though, i know alot more than i should know... after getting re-diagnosed and learning it was adhd - MDD - anxiety ... not bipolar.. i started hanging out here on the depression subform... i relate so much more to all of you... but i am so so sorry that you all feel these things too... the psychologist didnt diagnos me as avpd, i think because he didnt want it to be on my diagnosis..? or maybe i just dont have enough criteria for him to wanna dx it - but in the notes i got from him and what he said is i have avpd traits, and thats the same thing i told the therapist 3 years ago... but she said that it wouldnt be good for me to be dx with avpd because its incurable... i will do stupid things to avoid something that will make me more uncomfortable... like - i mean i dunno... sometimes i feel so retarded but i know i cant be stupid being sort of like a master manipulator of situations... because i have to have everything play out in specific ways for everything to work out the way i need it to so that i can go about my buisness without having to deal with too much bull@#@$.... i dunno what you call what i do... i dont think its a bad thing... i just reflect what someone is projecting to me - but i avoid all of the negative - so i come across really friendly... but when you are talking to me you'll think you've known me for ever until its over and alot of people seem to be confused ... i mean the ones that dont know me... i dont know how to explain it, but its the only way i can keep from destroying everything you know... i just lost it earlier.... i have a hard time being sober you know... and the one thing that is really hard for me to go without is the weed and i have been without it for 5-8 days ... and i know its stupid but it helps me.... and just earlier i had it lined up to do it and this guy was talking stupid about the quality of the stuff and i was like i know what the hell im talking about and just kind of snapped and i NEVER cuss but i cursed him out i told him while cursing him out that im not mad at him im mad cause hes "****ing with me " i never do that... its just this guy... i have snaped on him like 2 times before and i dont snap easy... atleast not anymore... i have done it to my brothers and ... well just my brothers in the past... and this 1 guy grrr.... i think its because i hate reflecting him... because i dont like his persona... but hes a family friend and i think he's really just retarded from too much alcohol all his life? i dunno... feel bad for him but he pisses me off too... sorry im ranting... few beers ... bottle of wine.. sigh... i wish i could change, how can i trade this life in? i know everyone will say there is a will there is a way and i can change if i want to and stuff but... this is the only live i know.... i have been doing this too long.... guess thats why i even started with the self harm... i mean... SH started like ... geez... i actually have no idea... why is my brain repressing everything? im forgetting everything... god i cant remember anything anymore... i need serious help.... my brain is taking emergency protocols to the max and my psyche is not going to be part of it for much longer it feels you know what i mean...? scared im going to split my personality or ... brain dead.... i just wish i had someone here with me right now... with me in real life you know... i mean not even to talk... but just to be near and understand me... tired of no one understanding.... people think im just sad... depression is not sadness... depression is.... death alive, walking death, you are not alive depressede.... its not sadness.... its hell.... :'( so tired... i just wish there was a way i could tell everyone that im really sick and im trying really hard but you all have to help me a little and just give me some space because im dieing here.... :'(
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| Aracnae, EnglishDave, guiltier65, qwerty68, ScientiaOmnisEst
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#6
Mar 15, 2016, 06:24 PM
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I know I am not a good person to give advice since I am a mess right now also.
Hang in there. Things go up, things go down, you know that, it is just the "joys" of depression. I have cut myself a few times and I can see how it could get addicting. It is a dead end road and I have stopped doing it but I do miss it sometimes. I don't have ADHD or PTSD so I have no idea what it is like. Like you I have AvPD traits, actually my pdoc calls it cluster c personality traits because of that and my obsessions. He said it would be schizoid if it weren't for the fact that I am close to my family and enjoy being around them, I couldn't care less about making other friendships. It is hard to be around people, it is even harder if that person is a jerk. Being around nice people is easier, but I cut off everyone except family, even the nice ones. That was the wrong thing to do,I still don't care that I did it even though it made things worse. Cutting out jerks is always a good thing. Life is sucky enough without people making it worse. What I find helpful, even when I am at my lowest is to force myself to do one thing a day. Even if it is something that takes a few minutes. It is really hard to make a goal, much less keep it these days, but it really is helpful even though I annoy myself with it. It used to keep my focus on something outside my head, and if I can get a handle on my anxiety and obsessions it will again. I am really sorry you are going through all this. You seem like a very nice person and you don't deserve any of this. |
| elevatedsoul
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#7
Mar 17, 2016, 05:30 PM
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i understand Elevatedsoul. I'm not taking showers right now, because I'm afraid I'll start cutting again. But then I would have to find ways to hide the cuts and like you, I long to be held and told that I'll be okay again. I feel so alone and dead inside. I long to cut, to bleed, so that I know I'm alive. your description of depression is so right. it's walking death. sorry for not being more positive, but I'm not in a good place right now. take care, my friend.
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| elevatedsoul
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#8
Mar 17, 2016, 05:47 PM
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just have to keep trying...
i avoid showering too because i dont want to see myself.. but i try to make myself... its just hard when you dont feel like breathing much less taking care of yourself.. i just try to remind myself as much as possible to be kind to myself... because its too often that i am so hard on myself... and i can be so mean to myself... but im trying to stop, i just get weak sometimes and i hate it so much.. but its ok, i have survived abuse from others - just have to survive abuse from myself now.. keep fighting.. keep searching for the hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, just never give up... it has to be out there some where 
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| Fuzzybear, guiltier65
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| guiltier65
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#9
Mar 17, 2016, 06:07 PM
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| elevatedsoul
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#10
Mar 17, 2016, 06:47 PM
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 I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. Your message on my post really did bring a lot of awareness to me, and I'm just sorry that you had to deal with this. You're not alone, I promise you. You're exactly right, though. You need to keep searching for hope, you have to keep fighting. I promise you, it'll all be worth it! There are many people on here who are, unfortunately, in the same situation as you. I'm sure they would love to support you, just as much as you would want to support them. I promise, things will get better. I'll try to help in any way that I can, if you'll let me. Maybe we could even be friends! I wouldn't mind. I just want you to be okay. Because you're really nice, and you don't deserve this madness going on. |
| elevatedsoul
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| elevatedsoul
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#11
Mar 17, 2016, 07:06 PM
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i appreciate it BlossomingLen - and everyone too..
im a super warrior - on steroids, i will be fighting with superb strength until the end  i just feel so bad about it sometimes, feel weak and stuff... shame... i try not to look at it as failure, but im stubborn and end up being really mean to myself when i mess up.. when i cant handle the stress and stuff... trying to get better - its scary though.. i've always faced all of this alone, trying to change that these days... trying to realize i dont have to do all of this alone.. im just not good at letting people help... scared to rely on people and stuff... i would love to be friends of course, i just dont want to hurt anyone... dont want to disapoint anyone or cause anyone to feel bad ya know.. guess thats why i dont let many people close - i hide behind a mask, a suit of armor too and my skin is hardened from all the battles.. ironically im really sensitive though... and emotional... im a softy on the inside but its hard to see it sometimes... im a lover not a fighter, you know? but i have to fight... its hard to love yourself through a war - to victory or whatever... i have to fight.. then maybe love can come after the war... or maybe im just really conflicted and confused, all i know is i (and everyone else going through these things) just have to keep on keeping on... a solution hopefully will arrive - if not a solution, hopefully a bandaid to help make it a few days more  thank you all for not judging me... its not easy for me to try to "be real" because im so used to hiding everything all the time... trying to learn how to talk about things
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| Aracnae
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#12
Mar 18, 2016, 11:49 AM
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I almost bought razor blades today, but was able to stop myself. I just feel so numb and dead inside.
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| elevatedsoul
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#13
Mar 18, 2016, 12:35 PM
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i know how tempting it is... try to keep them away though...
seems when you do do it then it just makes you want to do it more... and it just gets worse each time ya know 
Possible trigger:
i dunno what to offer as advice to do instead... just try everything else instead of that; loud music, some beers, anything safer right? but if it happens i know how you feel.. i know i do it because i need serious help... if you arent in therapy then can you get into therapy...? my memory is horrible so if i have asked you before then i apologize  hoping i can get therapy soon... only problem is i know i wont be able to do it as much as i need... i might can do it once a month - but i dont have transportation and dont want to ask my dad to drive me to therapy once a week... but we need to talk with someone that understand and can help us get to the bottom of why we do these things and have these urges i think for me its complicated because of trauma, severe depression and anxiety, and that somatization stuff whatever it is... part of me feels like i deserve it... part of me wants to release pain in a REAL way... part of me just wants to know that i can still feel real pain... part of me just wants to distract my mind off the psychological stuff going on in my head... i dunno exactly why... i just know i need to figure it out so that dont do it anymore therapy the only way i can work through this... because i think im constantly dissociating and its hard to work through things when your mind is intentionally removing memories or avoiding memories or ... not remembering things... sorry im not trying to blab on about me me me me - just trying to share what im thinking in hopes that it can resonate with you and help you some how - im not really good at explaining things or talking about this stuff keep them blades away far away as you can, closer you have access the closer you are to doing it, IF you do do it... please becareful... clean everything... stay safe
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#14
Mar 18, 2016, 12:47 PM
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I hope things are better for you today! I've been in that position, and feel pretty stupid sometimes, 30 yrs old and still self-harming. I was always told it was for teenagers. Do take care of the wounds, and maybe let someone know about it in person too. When someone knows who you feel safe and comfortable talking to, it seems like it's easier to stop, or at least for me it is.
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#15
Mar 18, 2016, 01:08 PM
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yeah.. i read that teens grow out of it most of the time... but i guess ocasionally adults do it too - maybe they just dont know about the adults because we hide it 1000000000 times better than the younger ones..?
or maybe they just dont care about adults self harm :/ i dunno - its just a release.. i dont have anyone i can tell or talk to about it right now... i live with my parents but it would scare the hell out of them if they knew about it... they would think im trying to kill myself or that im dangerous and they might worry that im going to snap and kill everyone... im not dangerous to anyone but myself though i guess... and even then i really dont want to die... it just sucks going through these things :/ getting too old for all this .. i talked to my old therapist about it once but that was years ago and it did seem to help just telling someone how much pain im in... of course they " talked " me into going into the psychiatric hospital because of it.. and i didnt do it for like a year after that but i guess after everything happening at the mental health clinic i was going to and all the stuff in the past and worrying about the bloody future... its just a lot to try to handle sometimes.. hoping to get back with a good therapist soon im trying to hang in there, my arm is still sore from the other day so im hoping it will keep me from doing ... thanks much love
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| Aracnae
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#16
Mar 18, 2016, 01:15 PM
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I think you're right. I know I that I hide it really well. In fact, even my fiance and kids don't ever see it. I'm trying to get better about letting him in and telling him what's going on with me, though. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to. I know that's hard. I hope you find a good therapist too.
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| elevatedsoul
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