[Crook32]

I spent all afternoon in bed yesterday and today didn't get out of bed until 4pm. All I want to do is isolate and disappear.

My therapist says that our goal right now is to keep me out of the hospital again. I don't feel like I can be completely honest with her about how I am feeling because I am afraid of what she will do.

So now I have no idea who I can talk to.

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[Crook32]

Last time I tried being honest with an online chat and ended up having the cops called on me and sent to the hospital.

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[dexter]

So sorry Crook. I was doing better but I am finding myself today full of suicidal ideation again and spending almost the entire day in bed without being able to eat.

[elevatedsoul]

i dont like the hospital either... if you are in danger though maybe its good thing to go...
its good to be completely honest with your therapist... you have to be able to trust him/her to really make progress... if you dont talk about those things with therapist then cant help you with it..?
i know how hard it is to be honest though... just need to be able to trust your therapist...
if you cant then maybe you need a new one...?
the hospital for me is kind of bad because its really triggering... they just want to help at the hospital but i dissociate and everything will seem better and then it just reverts...
only reason i would go back is if i was really going to attempt to end it all...
for me though i have only ideations but i dont want it to end i just wanna get better...
i know its hard... please try to talk to your therapist about whats going on so she can help you get through it... just express your concern and worry about what she will do or how she will react first...

[Crook32]

I just finished up the day hospital and was inpatient before that. I just finished a round of ECT. So going back so soon is really not an option.

Right now the suicidal ideations are getting bad again and I do have plans but no intentions.

My therapist constantly asks me about my thoughts, plans and intentions. Yesterday I refused to tell her. So she could probably guess for herself.

The brain zaps I am having right now are really bothering me. I don't want to do ECT again. My memory is terrible.

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[elevatedsoul]

has anything helped in the past...?
that you can try again...? like an activity or substance...?
i have not dont ect but my memory is bad so i know how frustrating that can be...
my coping skills are horrible so i dont really know good advice to give...

please stay strong...

[Crook32]

My coping skills are terrible. My therapist says I am stubborn and need to be willing to try new things. One thing I have done is hold frozen oranges that helps a little. I also have pieces of material that I will rub sometimes that calms me. Unfortunately I don't have any PRNs to take at the moment and I don't drink. I don't think I would ever act on the thoughts no matter how bad they get. But they are constantly there and I can't shut them off. I just feel like my family would be better off without me. They did just fine while I was in the hospital.

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[dexter]

Crook without knowing your family I think it is possible that "fine while you were in the hospital" might be holding it together for you so that you wouldn't worry and/or don't forget they knew that while you were away you were there to get help and return hopefully better which is quite different than doing "fine" without you. Hope you can find some relief I know you are trying really hard. Hope it pays off soon.

[Crook32]

I am done. I have a very short fuse today. I hate my wife and kids. I am a terrible person.

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[dexter]

Hi Crook having a short fuse today does not make you a terrible person. I would wager that you only hate your wife and kids "today" as well... You've expressed love and caring for them elsewhere.

Hope you can find some support to get through this and that you feel better.

[elevatedsoul]

do you like to read...?

i have a reaally short fuse too... but my fuse is wet so its hard to light it most of the time, but when it sparks its only seconds before im acting like a mad man and regret everything i do and say for weeks if not years after...

i like to read though ... it helps a little... i just discovered these things called visual novels .. they are like a video game that you read through and select actions and stuff to continue the story, if you like reading and need a distraction maybe looking into one of those would be good distraction and way to calm down or relax...?

you have to find a way to calm down.. i know how hard it is to relax when you feel like this though so dont take me the wrong way
its just when we are stuck in that spiral of doom it will keep getting worse until we can pump the breaks a little... doing any thing no matter how small to distract yourself / relax can help...

Sending you hugs, Crook!

[Fuzzybear]