Why can't I figure anything out?

Hi friends,

I had a lousy day at work, and again resolved that once I was off the clock and home I would sit down and figure out what I want to do. There's no reason for me to stay where I am. I have no wife, no children, no mortgage, and no warrants. So the obvious answer is, if I'm so sick of my situation, to DO something about it.

But again, here's what happened. I turned the TV off, laid back in my recliner, and tried over and over again to figure out what I want to do. And I just couldn't. I can't concentrate, or maybe I better term is "won't concentrate." I.E. I don't know if I have some form of ADD or that subconsciously I am so afraid of choosing a life path that I won't let myself figure it out. In fact even trying to write this I'm getting distracted. I keep thinking I should just go to bed and continue this tomorrow night after another long day at a job I hate.

I think restlessness has just become part of my personality at this point. I grew up in a small town (population 4300) and by the time I got to high school I had pretty much decided that I belonged somewhere else, somewhere with more excitement. And then when I got to college, it was a little better, but there was still this constant feeling that I'd be happier almost anywhere else, doing almost anything else. This in turn led to feelings that even when I was doing something I enjoyed, I couldn't enjoy it anyway, because there was always something better I was missing.

So... this led me into a general fear of commitment. I dream of going somewhere far away and getting a fresh start, but actually doing something like that scares me more than anything. If I were to go somewhere new by myself and find I didn't like it, I know I would feel like the world was ending.

Overall, I think there is this perception that in life whenever I make mistake it turns out to be so catastrophic that I am set back for years. Let me explain (and I'm not trying to make excuses or go on a pity party, I'm just telling you what happened): after college I got my own apartment and bought a new car, and then I lost my job. As much as I tried to find a new job, I just couldn't, and soon I was deep in debt and had almost no choice but to move back home for a while (talk about a fate worse than death.) I thought that after a few months of living rent-free I'd be out of the hole, or at least out of it enough to get a new job somewhere else and move on. Instead it took me over two years, and during that time I was miserable most of the time. Then I finally got a job that was more in line with my talents/skills, and I was relatively happy for a few years. I still wasn't debt-free but things were in much better shape.

Well then I lost that job because my attempt at professional courtesy totally blew up in my face, I was out of work for the better part of a year, and I was back in the hole, even worse than I was just after college. Adding insult to injury, this was just before I got married. Finally I got working again, but for a ridiculously small salary and I was back in that same place, just barely scraping by every month. After about seven years, I finally got to a point where I could start getting back out of the hole... and that was when my wife told me she wanted a divorce so I had to move out on my own again and the [expletive] cycle started all over.

So you can understand, I hope, that I tend to feel like if I screw up a little I'm going to be paying for it for years, and that's why I'm afraid of making a decision. I think about going to school, but it would have to be for something I know would pay well enough to keep me comfortable but at the same time not make me leave work every day hoping I get hit by a bus so I have an excuse not to have to go back tomorrow.

And I think this is a big part of the problem right here, that when I try to figure this stuff out I feel so much pressure to get it right. And when you set out to cross the street and find yourself trying to figure out how to get New York to L.A. in three hours or less, it gets very intimidating very fast, and you just want to retreat and play violent video games and forget about everything.

I go through life looking like Waldo from the video for Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher." You know, hair a mess, eyes darting back and forth, hands gripping the edge of the desk for dear life.

And the thing is I can't even blame the excuse of "being too busy" anymore because I got canned from another job last summer (long story) and had two months off, and I still couldn't figure anything out.

Any help would be appreciated.

I'm in the same boat with hating my job and all. Trust me when I say, that I don't nearly have the experience you do, however. I'm pretty young and maybe my perspective is a little immature or not quite as wise. To be honest, if you have the ability to move somewhere (save the money, get a job etc.) my advice is that you go for it. Regardless of the fear you have, you know you hate where you are and that waking up everyday upset about the idea of going back to that job, that's no way to go through life. Look, you've already been through the mill with the chances you've taken but that doesn't have to be the case here. If that's how you look at it, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have to go into that decision with optimism, even if you have to really force it. I am definitely not one to be optimistic but when it comes to that, you have to calculate everything with a sense of hope. You're going to get canned from any job that doesn't meet your goals of a fulfilling life or you're just going to hop around over and over between them. Find a calling. Do you like to help people? Are you into finances? Do you prefer working hard on a project that's more of the technically creative side (film crew)? On top of that, you can't just look for a calling. You have to enjoy hobbies that you do outside of work: Collecting, reading, writing, acting, drawing, building model airplanes etc. You have things in life that give you pleasure, not just in your occupation but your daily life. That's my perspective, anyway. Good luck, I hope you find what you're looking for.

Other things may be going on, but indecision, lack of vision, a diminished capacity to desire are all potential characteristics of depression. I suspect you may need some form of practical, external assistance to get to a more satisfying place.

follow your heart...?
thats what i always try to do
i dont have much good advice though..

Little update: after goofing off this morning, I decided to go lie down and just chill and get away from everything so I could think. I wound up for a couple hours but I think it helped. So many other weeks when I've gotten to this point I've just kind of given up and said, "Well I'll just go back to work for one more week and figure it out next weekend." Today however I find that thought nauseating. I can't keep going on like this.

So I've resolved that at some point this evening I'm going to sit down and make a list of what (I think) I want to do and where I may want to live. Enough settling and just getting by. This has to stop.

UPDATE: after procrastinating more and more, I'm sitting at my computer trying to figure out what I want to do, and again the anxiety is hitting me and making my thought process very difficult. Finally I went back to looking at job ads for what I used to do before and have been trying to get back into for a while, but the problem there is the pay is ridiculously low. I make $12/hour at my current job and want to get something better, but most of the jobs I'm looking at are salaried and come out to virtually the same amount. On the other hand, if I'm going to be poor, at least I don't have to be at a job I hate, right? On the other other hand, I'm thinking the time has come to stop pissing around with this and figure out something that's going to get me some decent pay so I can start moving forward.

This is such a rotten cycle. I desperately want out of where I'm at, but I'm also desperately afraid of leaving my comfort zone. But I have to resist the urge to say "screw it" and go to bed or watch TV or whatever.

Have you ever spoken with a vocational counselor? If they are truly experienced, such a counselor might be knowledgeable about fitting depression sufferers into the right fields.

Since I graduated, I've gone to the Career Services at my college at least twice, maybe three times. Not much help.

Another exhausting week, another day off of getting nothing accomplished. There's got to be something more.