[Bassett Hound]

I'd say for the past maybe 9 months depression has been the thing running the show. Anxiety used to be a huge issue, but now I've dropped to the apathetic, sad end of the scale. It's hard to be anxious when you don't care about anything. Back in the fall, I bumped up my sessions in therapy to once a week. It was a big deal, I felt insane for needing it weekly.

Possible trigger:

I started habitually self-harming in April or May and it has been an addictive struggle to fight.

I was admitted into the hospital this past January and that's when my friends began taking everything super seriously - which I magnify as smothering.

Right now I'm in this place where I have so many thoughts, feelings, and frustrations that I get overwhelmed and shut down. Ideation has come back but I haven't told anyone because I don't want to go to the hospital again. But I have been having these thoughts because I feel fed up. I know that's the easy way out and I don't really believe I'd do anything. But the thoughts are more frequent like they were over the winter.

I'm having the hardest time talking about this, but I feel so comfortable with my therapist. She's a Christian therapist and we have very similar values, so she and I relate on multiple levels. I feel secure with her. But I fear dependence and so I'm afraid of asking for more time with her...or do I even really need it? I already go to individual and group therapy weekly. I'm on 3 different medications. I live in a supportive house. What more could I need?

Ask your therapist if there is a support peer group in the church near by that she can recommend for you. That would be so cool and help with growth. I believe that is a nice way to supplement the counseling without feeling too dependent on your counselor. tc and hugs

[elevatedsoul]

you need what ever it takes... its differnt for everyone
i was on 9 medications and still not doing ok... but they were probably just not complimenting each other...

will your T be around for a while?
if so why not rely on her.... its what she wants right...?
she help you get stronger...

how long have you been on the meds..?

i live in a supportive house too with my parents... they try to do everything they can for me but i try not to let my real pains show... i dont want them to know whats going on...
dont want to worry them...

i know how you feel...

i started sh like that too... after a while i told my case manager and she got me in the hospital and i stopped for a year... or maybe 2 years... i cant keep up with time...

now i started doing it again and trying not to... i am fine for some days until i get so stress i cant handle it anymore...

i hate it...

Possible trigger:

the scars make me feel bad... but happy at the same time...

i would die if anyone saw mine... i will probably never take my shirt off again around anyone (im a guy of course..)
i can wear short sleeves, i just conceal higher up...

it sound like you know its a bad thing too...?

i try to do anything, everything else before that...
can you try to replace it with something... not permenantly right off, but just next time maybe can try ..? i dunno what might work for you... i just try to distract myself with music... it helps for some days, im getting better again... well...

Possible trigger:

its been 2 days i think...

please be kind and gentle with yourself

rely on your T ... its not a bad thing to do i think...? i know what you mean about dependence... but isnt it better than sh..? try not to depend on that...
im sorry you are hurting... i m sending you virtual strenght....

[Bassett Hound]

Elevatedsoul, thanks for the response. Yeah I want to stop but at the same time don't. Sometimes I try replacements, but it's usually just prolonging the cutting. Distractions rarely help. There's only one scar that I have that's so bad. It's the one scar that gives everything away. I'm terrified for the summer.

I've been on mess for like 6 years on and off. Mostly on though. I just started BC for another medical issue, but maybe it will help me with my emotions. I've been seeing my T for a little over a year now. May-August we had a break because of maternity leave. Now she's back just with limited hours. She is glad that I'm coming in weekly and knows that's a big hurdle for me already. Next week she wants my roommate to sit in... Well see how that goes.

Omegalamed, thanks for your reply too. Or church is huge and we have lots of smaller communities. Our church has biblical and pastoral counselors as well as clinical, so they've got many resources I can look into. I'm in group therapy now but it's with my school, so not Christ centered. I'm supposed to be able to trust the girls in my ministry group and its caused a huge trust issue with me not wanting to be vulnerable. But that's why my T wants a roommate to come too to help clear things up

[elevatedsoul]

yeah, prolonging helps a little though..
for me if i didnt id probably do it multiple times a day
so i think prolonging as much as possible is a good thing...
but im not a professional and i dont want you to go too long and accidentally-

Possible trigger:

cut too bad/deep and really hurt yourself..?

right now you can see alot of scars so if i pulled my sleeve up it would probably scare anyone who see it.. but the older scars kind of faded a little although they werent as bad as the lately ones.. can still see them if you examine the area.. but faded...
scared these recently ones wont fade though
its embarrassing... and im ashamed.. but i dont know, i just dunno what else to do sometimes so i understand you

Possible trigger:

i know atleast 1-2 wont fade.. because its the type of scar that is separated, indented, or how ever you say it... i did it when drunk so...

its kind of a scary thing :/ we just have to try to control it... my old T said if i HAVE to do it, then absolutely must take care with it you know? alot of things can go wrong... infections for example... or being too upset and

Possible trigger:

cutting too deep

hang in there... keep doing the therapy, it really can help and hopefully she can help you develop better coping skills right?
im glad you have a good relationship with her

i dont really know much good advice about it.. i just try to avoid it...
be gentle with yourself...