[StarryNight5]

(I'm not sure if Depression properly categorizes this as it could spill over into several topics. If this doesn't fit here, please move to the appropriate place on the forum.)

It's been some time since I've been here. Things changed, I was thought to have bipolar for some time until that was remedied to in fact be a significant case of depression. My depression has waxed and waned at times as I've dealt with it and treated it with medication. Those things only set the stage for what's been happening as of recently. About two months ago, on the streaming service Twitch, I came across a group of people that were very sincere and several had dealt with depression. Suffice to say I believed that I had found the friendships that I've lacked my entire life. As things went on they became wonderful but as their lives became more complicated and busy, I felt pushed to the side. Slowly my fears and events seemed to erode the possibility of a deep friendship, culminating on today when I decided to leave them alone for some time. I believe I've made them uncomfortable, trusted them too much and in doing so opened myself up to fully. I expected far too much out of these relationship and for that I feel selfish for exploring these friendships. Still, I was lonely and saw what seemed to be a beckoning hope that never before had been in my life. So I stand now wherever I am at this point in my journey.

Starry Night 5, even the most sincere people are but human. When people get stressed out they push others away so they don't overload and they can heal. Understand it is not you nor take responsibility for other's actions. Don't guilt trip yourself about people's behavior cause they will always let us down. Just be thankful for the joy you did have and another person will come into your life. We always manage to get what we need day to day when we believe and ask for it.. tc (((hugs))) Life is a journey, a journey lived every step of the way... "Amber"

[StarryNight5]

It's hard to enjoy the joys that I receive/received from their friendships. They were so inviting, opened up to me and seemed like a group that I was apart of. They told me I was their friend and I thought I had finally found that comradery that I was looking for. They gave me hope, they gave me love & care and compassion. They built me up while I dealt with my depression and when I needed those friends the most, to talk to and rally around me when I needed it the most, they didn't. Even after time they seemed to resign themselves that they couldn't or didn't want to help me. It just hurts, that all that friendship and I feel like they threw me away like a piece of garbage. I'm sorry I just feel so lonely.

Keep in mind that it might just be your own perception that you have been thrown away like garbage, it's hard to tell what their reasons were for acting the way they did. I'm aware that this is a bit risky to say but in general people like to help without getting too involved, without it using up too much effort. And maybe it was just your own perception that these friends were so great, I'd say that humans feel these things much more when they have a hard time in life. Maybe don't take my reply too seriously at all, considering you didn't even say that much, it just picked my interest since I can relate to it.

I felt pushed away by people as well, that's why I have a negative outlook on it all, I came to think that "they" never truly cared, asking myself if I actually cared, or if it was just the slight support I thought that was there that made me feel it was something important.
I think it's important to distinguish actual care and the basic human needs to want and offer help when we feel bad, communication,... or maybe I'm overthinking this a bit too much, I'm not sure, so I'll stop this train of thought right here and hope I didn't offend you.

They told me I was their friend and I thought I had finally found that comradery that I was looking for. They gave me hope, they gave me love & care and compassion.

If it weren't for this, I'd ask you directly if you wanted to try getting to know each other a bit, but I suppose if you need nice and comforting words, I won't be able to deliver, even if I ended up feeling something. I guess I'll still just throw it out here just in case...

One last thing, contrary to what most people say, I think it's unnatural and unhealthy to try and think positively about the positive time you spent with someone. We instinctively feel bad about loosing those good times because we shift from having a good time to...well, not having them anymore, its gone, learn from it. From what I can say, people who choose to claim they focus on the positive time they had instead, have a harder time to accept it because they just avoid it, I think I'd rather feel sad about something for a good while than to avoid it and allow it to silently cause even more pain for an even longer time...It doesn't matter if you just think about it in bed or talk to others about it or whatever, but if you just try to forget about something without dealing with it, it will always haunt you, I really don't like how normal it is to encourage that behaviour...although that was probably a bit off-topic now

[elevatedsoul]

i dont have any friends, so i won't say too much... as my heart and soul have been hardened by years of self neglect...

but would it have been different if these friends just died?
they would be gone from your life then, but maybe it wasnt really a conscious choice of theirs, you would have 2 options in my opinion... to wallow in the misery of their absence... or to cherish and keep close to you the dear memories of the time you spent with them?
things begin, things end... this is life... there is no absolute besides the absolute that there is not... don't let attachments control your life... because things will come and things will go... just as soon as something begins another thing will be ending...

its all a perspective, how you perceive it and interpret it... so take the good things, leave the bad things, move forward and invite the new things to begin while the old things end...

i have also opened myself to people and put trust where i shouldn't have, thinking that it could be eternal, but that is very very rare.... so i have learned to take what i get, go with the flow... losing a friend makes anyone sad, but you only lose the person that may of changed, and that person isnt your friend anymore because they have changed, what you can keep is the friend in that person that you knew - keep in your memories - and cherish what was there, but understand that life is cruel like a powerful flowing river... it carves the earth and changes pathways... all of these things in life are temporary... so we have to keep moving with the river, or else we'll drown in the current trying to fight for something that is not there...

you have friends here on this forum, even though we dont know each other... people will be your friend here, be friendly to you here, support you, those kind of things...

but as others have said, sometimes we have to distance ourselves and take time off because we are also hurting and struggling... its not against you in anyway, its just a battle that we are all fighting...

i hope that this msg doesnt make you mad or anything, im not trying to be mean... its just this is how i see things... life is temporary... we have to keep moving - with the gains and the losses... if we fight the current and try to remain in the same place, well the flow moves on anyway without us and we'll just be stuck not getting anywhere at all - fighting against the current is bad thing in my opinion...

let things happen in life... sometimes they are things that we dont want to happen, but sometimes those things happen so that good things that we do want to happe will happen... like, do you think the water desires to fall over a cliff ? i don't... but at the bottom when the water settles it calms down and looks so peaceful

im sorry about my metaphors... im not good at explaining these kind of things because my mind is complicated...

just try not to invest too much in other people... invest more in yourself, take what you can from other people and invest it in yourself... dont invest it in others....

i'll be your friend here, but dont rely on me because when people rely on me it scares me and i dont want to hurt anyone so i distance myself... people cant rely on me because i can barely rely on myself...


stay strong man...