[Evaluna]

I've been working hard to focus on the better feelings I've been having recently. I never thought I'd get past the feelings of wanting to die but somehow I did.

But it's my birthday on Friday. I usually enjoy celebrating but this year I've been dreading it more than ever. I'm not ancient by any means (I'll be 37) but to me this is terrible. I have said since I was a teenager I'd have a breakdown before I was 40 and it just seems to get closer every year. I don't know why getting older is so terrifying for me. I always thought by this age I'd be married with kids, a decent house with a garden, a nice car and holidays every year. Now I'm divorced, a single parent, rent a small house, no car and no money to do anything nice.

Deep down I know that this is irrational, a complete waste of time and just stupid but it's like these thoughts are dragging me down and down.

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[elevatedsoul]

well, you're not stupid...
i try hard not to think about these thigns too because it scares me as well... i am younger than you but i keep realizing that im 26... in 4 years ill be 30... and this is like... i just can't see what has happened to my life...
its scary... i dont think its irrational...
it makes me want to cry because like you i wanted to be in a committed relationship by now... be able to take care of my parents and take care of myself...
but i can't even take care of myself currently... and i think that seeing these years pass by makes me feel like what if i am never able to achieve those things...

my old therapist told me that i have to stop using should statements... stop thinking about the what ifs.... but its easier said than done...

i think what we should try to do though is to accept these things... our age...
the more we try to fight it, the older we get, and the harder it gets to accept that we are really that far in life...

i dont really have good advice about this... i just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this at all - alot of people struggle with these feelings...
and it is scary... i still feel like i am 17 sometimes... besides all the aches and pains i have from being so wreckless and stupid in my short life...

i hope that an internet hug will help a little...
happy early birthday... try to do something nice for yourself...

birthday's are so hard for me.

i've said it before in other threads.. it's all a guilt trip for me

in sted of feeling good i'd survived another year (tough in itself), i seem to focus on all the oppotunities i missed out on in the previous year.

it's got so bad for me that i don't even tell people when my birthday is- so people can't remind me

happy early birthday for friday

any plans?

[elevatedsoul]

yeh, i forget holidays and birthdays, i dont think about that stuff - no sense in feeling bad about osmething

[Fuzzybear]

Hey Evaluna: I hear ya. I just turned 59 two weeks ago. I gave up on the 'should haves'. There is no hope or desire to marry or have kids. There is no future so, I just wait.

You're still young. I know you hear that a lot but I'm not being flippant.

You are not being irrational. I think we all mourn something we lost or never had. You can always find solace here as there's lots of caring folks.

Regards, M. Poirot

[TishaBuv]

My father gave up because he wasn't a millionaire by the time he was 30. We can talk ourselves in or out of anything. Don't waste the precious life you've been given.

We're going to have a PC birthday party for you tomorrow, Evaluna!