[elevatedsoul]

am i real..? is any of this real..?
are you real..?
i hate feeling so confused...
im trying to tell myself that this is real... but i really dont believe it...
i just dont know what i am... but i know what i have been told i am...
im scared of this.... i wish i had a therapist...
a real therapist... not some imaginary thing...
just wanna wake up...

what am i to do.. i dunno...

i try telling a little to like my mother, and my dad is scared of that stuff and just wants me to pray and go to church...

but no one knows what i am talking about... just seems so fake... like they are just part of the dream too... just starting to feel like i can't provide enough proof that this is real.. life...
i dont know how to describe the way i feel... because i have always felt like this... i just thought it was noramal... but i dont think it is nnormal...
i try to be patient with myself... not getting mad about forgetting everything... or getting mad because people ask me something repeatedly and i still cant answer... no wonder i just want to isolate...
i need more real people in my life... or other people... well a real person.. argh i dunno how to say it... i dont want anymore robotic spacers occupying this visual effect called reality...

i dont know where to write about this... or probably shouldnt even write about it really... it just doesnt make sense... no one understands...
i just dont live on earth i guess...
oh well...
this sucks...
i just dont know if im already over the cliff... or if im getting close to it and cant stop... i dont want my brain to die... i try to be nice to it...
such an idiot, grrr....

apologies... i guess maybe if this is all just a simulation and i post here maybe im on a computer somewhere else in the simulation and will reply to me...

[dexter]

I'm here elevated.

[dexter]

And I believe that you are too.

(((elevated))) you are real and we are real. We are here for you, you are not alone.

[elevatedsoul]

how do you know its real?
rationality is telling me it must be real, because i am therefore i exist..
but a bigger part of me is saying nothing makes sense, how could this be real, cant you see its all an illusion? or some kind of ... simulation or something..


i guess im just stressed... i keep forgetting whats going on
im just having trouble i guess.. it will be ok...
i just wish i had a life or something.. maybe one day...

yeah.. just gonna lay in bed - or something...

[EnglishDave]

I have seen the theory that this Universe is simply a computer construct. That is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever had presented to me and it annoys me that these people get paid for thinking up this sort of thing. My reasoning against it? I am so insignificant that a Trans-Universal Programmer would not waste it's time coding me.

I have frequent periods where I believe I am living a bad dream - I have recurring dreams of an alternate life. The split seems to have taken place around 1980, before I became seriously ill. Now I am questioning in my mind whether this, or that is the current reality

Dave.

[elevatedsoul]

with the right knowledge and technology it wouldn't be all that difficult to write a self evolving script... where the program could program itself creating new instances and whatnot - but its like looking into a mirror with another mirror?

me too, i feel like i dont know anything about whats going on around me - or inside of me really... everything just seems like a dream, another dream, and another dream, where is the real world?





do you think that any individual inside a program like that would even be able to become aware?
maybe thats why my mind is forgetting everything ...

[EnglishDave]

I would like to think so, the Programs becams self-aware in Tron - a top 20 film of mine.

I do believe this Universe is real, solid, material and we exist as insignificant beings. Where this life is filled with illness and excruciating pain, and my alternate reset dreamlife is healthy is what causes conflict in my mind. These are not wishful thinking dreams of a better life, I lead a full existence running day to consecutive day in logical sequence. When I am dreaming I question in my mind whether that is the reality, and I can remember doing so on waking. Of course, in an infinite Universe, I may be living both lives simultaneously - that would explain why I am always exhausted

Dave.

[MtnTime2896]

I'm like that almost every second of every day. My dreams feel like reality so I'm just never sure. I figure that I might as well be along for the ride anyhow.

[elevatedsoul]

i've been trying to read more on these things...

im really starting to feel like im having dissociative amnesia...
i can't recall any memories and i cant form any new memories and i just feel like im sitting still in time while everything else moves around me...

what do you do about dissociation and amnesia...?
this stuff scares me so bad because im worried i have a brain tumor or something...
i want to go to the doctor but i cant until i get insurance... i just hope that i can make it that long...

i cant remember when the memory loss started... i've never been good at that stuff... but it just seems like its gotten alot worse...
and its making me feel so disconnected from the world

[MtnTime2896]

You start counting the different colors you see in the room. You start feeling the textures of everything including the floor. Then go near a window and pick out every single sound you can hear. Keep doing it. If anything, it'll help ground you. Don't get too caught up in the memories as being a brain tumor. It's actually very common in dissociation.

[Fuzzybear]