[winter4me]

Yesterday, and today I woke up with some dis-ease. This isn't unusual. It seemed mild enough for doing my routine crossword puzzle, cup of coffee with cat morning routine. Then, I felt, soon enough, that I wanted 0.5mg of klonopin. I took 1mg.
Sitting back down, with a cat curled beside me, the sun streaming in, birds singing, sparring, visiting feeders and trees, the pond full of Mallard, all is calm.
Not me.
What is wrong? Something with sadness, something for tears.
Oh, yes, maybe, just maybe it is that my mother died in my arms, a couple of days ago in a long lost April, after being "pronounced" twice prematurely. I remember seeing the striking Sycamore on North State St., having some thought of her, the tree against the sky, then my mother as an elderly stillbirth.
And, again, I will feel a mild surprise when I wake up in May, on the day of
multiple losses-----I remember ahead of time...and forget as dates approach.
I remember that my mother, in her dementia, had dreams each May of grave
yards, tombstones, ....she could no longer remember these as triggered by the loss of her son...and, for me at least, her forgetfulness was a gift.
For two years, when I first cared for her, her mantra was "My son is dead, my
husband is dead"...not seeming to know these were also my brother, my father---I had already lost her. Years before she died. (there are no grave
stones, all cremated...into a garden...I make my own remembrances)
Just struck again by the things that sneak in wordless/faceless...and wonder what the things are I never can identify....
I did grow up with a dearth of rituals/traditions...realizing too late their use.

[Fizzyo]

❤️

Sorry to hear of all those sad anniversaries. There is little anyone can say without sounding inadequate.

Nevertheless I will try to send comforting thoughts and wish you the strength to hang on until the most severe pain eases a little.

Is there a late post death ritual you could invent for yourself?
Some people like to write a letter to the people they lost, giving news of what has happened since they "left them" or saying what they wish they said at or before the time.
Letters can even be used to say a late 'goodbye' and/or remember some good times.
What you do to 'post' the letter is up to you, whatever you feel you want to do.

Some may burn it as if the smoke carries the words to the lost person, others may keep it in a special place or leave it in a place you loved together....
(And you can write as often as you like, or just once).

My Grandmother had a photograph that she used instead of a grave or other memorial and would go and talk to it (or possibly cry over it) or a little memory box for all of them, not a shrine, just a little thing personal to you, maybe open or add to it on future anniversaries if you need to.

I lost someone I cared about and I have put all photos of her into one small album and I look through it occasionally. Now the feelings are less painful, more bittersweet as the sadness mixes with fond memories too.

These are just ideas, maybe you will think of something completely different.

I wish for the bitter feelings to turn bittersweet. I think bittersweet can be very positive sometimes for me as I have got used to her absence over the years.

Sending some more warm comforting thoughts with the hope you may feel at least a tiny benefit.

[Fizzyo]

(((((((((winter4me)))))))))

[winter4me]

Thank you! Today is a better day---just crept up on me....I have begun, and forgotten, small rituals---I like the picture/etal box idea---I can do that...& then it is there when I need/want...thank you again

[Fuzzybear]