Back again!

I almost managed a year, but here I am again.

I feel like I've just reached this point where I look around me and see everyone I know doing so well and being so happy, and I just feel like I haven't achieved anything. I hate my job, my partner is in debt so i'm covering all the bills which means I never have any money, I have no friends and I'm just constantly thinking that everyone around me hates me and that it's only a matter of time before I lose them just like I seem to lose everyone eventually.

My life has become this horrible routine of floating by... wake up, work, come home, spend a few hours own waiting for my partner to come home whilst I'm totally consumed by my depression (they are the hardest hours of the day), then plaster a smile on my face when he comes home. I only have one day off a week where I never want to do anything but hide in bed - it's like my whole life is passing me by and going to waste but I just can't bring myself to care enough. I have to put on my smile and hide it though because since my stay in the psych ward a couple of years ago he always over reacts and freaks out even if I say I feel a little down.

I feel like no matter how far I think I have come, I can never get away from this stupid depression. Seven years, it's like a prison sentence but I don't know what I ever did wrong to deserve it.

I feel like I'm not really sure what to do, I can feel myself getting worse but I want things to just be normal, it's nearly been a year of normality I thought I was finally moving on. We are supposed to be getting married and trying for a baby, I don't want to do any of that when I feel like this it's supposed to be a happy time.

Thank you for reading if you managed to get this far, I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself, I know I have so much to be grateful for but that only makes me feel more guilty as if I have nothing to be depressed about.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low and things are tough for you.
I'm not feeling good either. I've been depressed and have borderline personality disorder since I was a teen. But not diagnosed till a few years ago. I can't work, can barely function. I have no friends, no life , no partner. My children don't live with me . its really tough. I feel your pain. ((( sad hugs )))

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I did read it all, sorry to hear you feel so little hope. Sorry no real answers from me.

(((((Little Jay)))))

I have found that depression is mostly hereditary, and is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Most are on medicines and deal with it for life. Just like there is pain management without meds they do the same concept for depression: with affirmations, positive verbalizations, imagery, diet, excercise, and other things.. just hang in there.. you are not alone and have us here with you... blessings and tc