[guiltier65]

I am supposed to go tonight for the next session in my step study for my support group, but I just don't think i can do it. The questions we are going to be discussing tonight involve our childhood issues. i don't want to open that door. I'm 50 years old, what's the point? I know that there was pain in my childhood,but i've closed that door tightly and i don't want to reopen it. Yes, my parents were neglectful, inattentive, and sometimes abusive verbally and physically. I often felt unwanted and unloved. I know that they didn't plan to have me and i was aware of that so often as a child. They assure me now constantly that they love me, but is it really because of who i am ( their only daughter) or the fact that i shop with them weekly and am available whenever they have a crisis....all i feel as i open that door is the old pain, fear, guilt for having been born, and shame( knowing that i'm not enough for them) Is it really necessary to tear open scarred wounds for healing to take place? Is there even a point to all of this soul searching?

[Skeezyks]

Hello guiltier65: The Skeezyks absolutely agrees with you, whether or not this is the "correct" way to look at it. I'm in my mid 60's now. There's simply no point in dredging all of that old stuff up. Plus, for me, all of that very, very old stuff is directly related to stuff that happened through my adult years. I don't know how I could possibly open the one door without opening the other too. And opening the childhood door would be humiliating enough without opening the door to what came later as well... especially in a support group!

I few years ago, I did finally open the door, so to speak, with regard to one closely guarded lifetime secret. But it turned out nobody wanted to hear it & I just ended up feeling exposed & foolish. So from this I concluded that fresh air isn't necessarily always a good thing.

Anyway, all of this is simply to say I understand your perspective with regard to what will be going on in this support group tonight. I wish you well, regardless of what decision you make.

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs and Love to You... Blessings!

[elevatedsoul]

i dont think i could discuss anything in a group, even video games or art or whatever..
so i dont blame you about not wanting to talk about that in a group...
but i think everyone deserves to heal, no matter age... i just wish it was easiyer...

[dexter]

I'm the opposite... I push myself to talk about the things I don't want to talk about and I push myself to talk about embarrassing things in group. I'm in the partial hospital program now so my day is all about pushing myself and being pushed in uncomfortable directions.

I do this because what I have been doing up to now has not been working. I have been spiralling down into suicidal feelings.

I do this because I feel it is the right thing to do for me. I feel like I am in a safe environment to share these things and I believe sharing and participating will ultimately help me.

You have to do what you feel comfortable with and what you believe will benefit you and will cause lasting harm. I'd ask you to keep an open mind as to whether this might help but ultimately to TRUST your own decision and to feel comfortable with it. Do whatever is best for your own well being and if that means not opening old wounds then keep yourself safe.

[elevatedsoul]

honestly weird things happen to me during those kind of things
so i avoid them - because i usually end up saying stupid stuff, talking about stuff i dont want to, and i dont know why
its good to talk about things but i dont like it... i guess i dissociate too much to control what i say sometimes... or do... in the hospital i even drew a diagram on the board thingy... explaining something about bipolar and what the doctors was telling me that was wrong... (they had dx me as bipolar and was saying i was having a problem with mania) but i am definitely not bipolar... and i have no clue why i did that - some part of me volunteered to do it in front of everyone - maybe it was all the drugs...
when you have so much pent up inside for so long i guess its screaming to come out in some way... but you feel so stupid when you realize everything you just said...
ive never been able to talk about things, i dont like talking at all really.. i could go weeks, months, probably years without talking to others
i talk enough to myself... maybe if no one else was around me i would be nicer to myself...
but i know this is not good, not normal
some things i just wish we could delete from our minds
or where is that famous esay button?

i admire all of your abilities and drives to move forward doing this kind of thing..

Guiltier, I suspect that your parents love you for both of those reasons.

[guiltier65]

just an update... I did go to my support group last night and was pretty open with them. I acknowledged how much pain I was in from going back to the past. I admitted that I was really struggling with escaping the pain through alcohol or food. I didn't mention cutting, I'm not that comfortable with them.. I agree with Dexter in that I feel I need to push myself out of my comfort zone to gain any comfort/healing. it is so hard to go back to the past and my childhood, but maybe if I acknowledge the ways that my beliefs about self and family were formed in that pain. Maybe I do have some value in this world....

Originally Posted by guiltier65

... Maybe I do have some value in this world....

Pretty sure you do.