[dexter]

On Sunday I survived the stress of the coworker's wedding that I feared would trigger me. I did not want to miss it (I like these coworkers and I've missed a lot of work/social events starting with the company Christmas party).

My plan to keep myself safe was to attend the ceremony then leave before the reception. I told the Bride and Groom beforehand that I would not be staying.

I did OK at the wedding. I was at a small table with our production manager and his wife and he actually had me sit between them which made me feel safe. Another coworker "LLB" was there without her husband (he was home sick) and the manager of our department was not able to come, I knew he would not be there.

I ducked out after the ceremony as planned and was able to give my congratulations to the bride and groom as I was leaving so all felt good.

On Monday morning LLB was at work early and i showed up second, said hello and began to work, keeping to myself as usual with my depression.

A bit later the department manager came in and went to LLB's desk to ask her how the wedding was. They soon got into a very specific conversation. The manager said he really wanted to come but they didn't have a babysitter and so his wife couldn't come and he didn't want to come alone. LLB agreed saying she almost didn't come and she HATES doing things alone without her husband. Manager agrees he really wanted to bring his wife out but missing that opportunity he didn't want to come alone. Blah blah blah can't go alone blah blah blah yea it really sucks to go alone better to just not go.

I could not ****ing take it. I stood up at my desk across the room and shouted at them "Yeah it really SUCKS to have to go to things alone" and I ran out of the room.

My manager felt horrible. He didn't realize I was in the room when he was speaking, he knows how I have been struggling with being alone, having NO SUPPORT SYSTEM for my depression or my health issues (latest being pneumonia and congestive heart failure) and how my depression has been triggered by my current LONELINESS.

**** them. If I can't go out alone my alternative isn't a night home with my family it is a night still alone with the TV.

He apologized but seriously I'm not mad he said it... If he had seen me there and hadn't said it would that make me any less alone?

Possible trigger:

When I came back into the room he tried to apologize but I cut him off continuing my rant, I said "Yea OMG it would be just HORRIBLE to have to do something alone. If I had to do something alone I think I'd KILL myself!"

That was a really low thing to say but I was angry.

I finished out my morning there buried in my work and then left for partial hospital.

I'm very sorry to hear this. All I could say that if I knew you, I would have tried to help you out with your illness. It was a year ago at this time when I had prostate cancer surgery. After I was released from the hospital I had to recover all by myself. The only friend that I had was gone on a trip for two weeks just a day after I got released. There were volunteers that were going to get food for me. But some of them were no help as some didn't show up. And then no one wanted to spend a little time with me just to talk to me and see how I was doing.

Sometimes people make such a big deal about being "alone". I feel like I have been alone for almost my whole life; or I should say, almost my whole life when I left my parents and went on my own. I've even had people remark to me saying things like, "how can you stand it being alone as your are? I would die if I were in your place."

I think that you are a real tough trooper to get through your illness like you did. I think that many others (including me) would not have gotten through it successfully like you did.

[dexter]

I have been shocked at the number of friends that said they would help me with day-to-day food shopping etc who then simply don't show up. Some have done it once and said they were going to do it every week... Nada. And yes I think I could manage the food shopping and the cooking if I had someone to just show up and talk to me once in a while. I've been alone to one degree or another all of my life but I've never been lonely until recently.

Originally Posted by dexter

I have been shocked at the number of friends that said they would help me with day-to-day food shopping etc who then simply don't show up. Some have done it once and said they were going to do it every week... Nada. And yes I think I could manage the food shopping and the cooking if I had someone to just show up and talk to me once in a while. I've been alone to one degree or another all of my life but I've never been lonely until recently.

Hey ya Dexter: I hope you were able to shake that experience off. It's hard I know. For some unknown reason folks like you and me and many others on PC are hurt by what they hear others talk about even though it wasn't directed at them. I read a lot of political, theological and cultural material looking for someone to agree with me or just understand. When I think I've found it the next paragraph dashes it to pieces. Over the years I had to listen to how sinful I was. After time I began to think that my very existence was enmity to God and man. Slowly I withdrew. Now I have no one. I have to rely on myself to shop and maintain a minimum existence. I really don't care anymore I have to protect my mental health. All around are liars, thieves, deceivers and people eager to criticize without first looking in the mirror. I hope you can find at least ONE person to rely on. All you need is ONE. You don't need to be popular or liked. Obviously you have good work ethics. That is all you need to make a living. Be civil and polite and if a conversation starts that may trigger you excuse yourself and walk away. It's not rude if your civil about it. Take care, Regards, M Poirot

[guiltier65]

I am so sorry that they were so insensitive. I have been guilty of the same thing at times. However, I also how hard it is to feel so alone and empty inside,feeling like you can only count on yourself and not to sure about that! It sounds like you did great at the wedding, I'm glad you went. hope the partial days are working out for you. hang in there.

[dexter]

I'm trying so hard to stay level. I think I am still angry about the comment but I know that they did not mean anything by it and did not mean to hurt me so I was not too bad today. I just stayed at my desk and tried to work this morning. Heading into my program in a bit.

HP I am very sorry to hear it sound like people have been judging you and pushing you away not the other way around. I hope you found a satisfactory place to be but also hope that it holds hope for improvement. i've always been alone but I'd never been lonely until I I thought I had found a relationship. I feel very fortunate that after ten years and a reconcilliation that person is now my best friend and best support along with his wife equally so. They aren't close but I talk to them on the phone when I can and see them occassionally. I don't ahve to pretend I'm not depressed with them.

[dexter]

Guiltier as always thank you for your support. Today I need some support.

[Fuzzybear]