[AuroraBorealis75]

I know the depression is getting bad again because I haven't showered in 4 days, and I am sitting here in my pjs watching crap on Netflix. I've been doing weight watchers and had lost some weight, but the last few days I've been back into bingeing and sleeping in late. I missed my weight watchers meeting yesterday because I was feeling too depressed to get out of bed. I've been thinking more about disappearing into the wilderness again, a lot of thoughts about escaping this life.

I think this is situational depression. Back in January I got a job at a daycare and was working with the 3-4 year olds, and I loved being with them. I was doing really well, better than I'd been in years. But my application for my ECE Assistant license has been really slow being processed, and I am now indefinitely working with the school age children because now that I am working 5 days a week, according to licensing, I am not allowed to work with the 3-4 year olds. No matter my education and experience. I dread going to work now, because I just don't know how to handle school age children, and in my opinion the daycare I am working at provides poor quality care, parking the kids in front of the tv or wii for way too many hours each week. I hate working there, but I need the job and the money.

[Fuzzybear]

[AuroraBorealis75]

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for 3/4 of my life, plus several manic episodes over the years. I guess I've been through a lot of stress in the last year or so. Back in SeptemberI spent 10 days in the psych unit (I self-admitted) and had to drop my practicum and one other class, but managed to get through the semester. I had been doing better, in spite of having to end therapy because I didn't have money to continue. It was really hard to say goodbye to my therapist, but I had started a new job and was preoccupied with that. Then, about a month ago, my mom went into the ER with severe chest pains, and the doctors found that she has a blood clot on her right lung. She started taking blood thinners, but was back in the ER a week later with her heart rate down to 47. I had to go over to my parents house that morning to turn of the stove because in their rush to go to the hospital my dad had left a pot on the stove with the burner on. The entire first floor of their house was filled with smoke. Once I took care of that I went to the hospital to be with my parents until my mom was deemed safe to go home and was discharged. Two weeks later we found out that my brother-in-law has a 9 cm mass on his adrenal gland as well as a mass on one lung and another on a lymph node. We are still waiting for test results, but he is in massive amounts of pain and off work indefinitely. He and my sister have 3 young children. Even if it's not cancer, he will still have to come to Vancouver for surgery to remove the mass on his adrenal gland, which apparently is a risky operation.

[DayAtATime1]

Sure sounds like situational - I'm sorry to hear of all the things you've gone thru! I hope things take a turn for the better.

[AuroraBorealis75]

It just feels like a lot to process. My mom and I have had a very complicated relationship, but I am not ready to lose her yet. She is too young. But her own mom was only 3 years older than my mom is now when she died of cancer.

Before I moved back here to where my family lives, I had a lot of trauma, including my cousin being murdered, his wife committing suicide, a participant at the family resource centre where I lived also took his life, and a woman in my apartment building was brutally raped, and I came home to police tape around my building. I was manic at that time and had gotten myself into financial trouble, and a few years later again suffered another traumatic loss complicated by my church's inability to admit the wrong done by the priest. They supported the priest and basically told me to shape up or ship out (not those words exactly, but that was their attitude toward me. Needless to say I cannot bring myself to go back to church because I have become very bitter and cynical and want nothing more to do with the church. I no longer trust people in religious positions of authority, and yet, I wish I could find a church community where I could feel safe, with no hierarchy that is found in liturgical churches. But right now I feel like there is no room for the mentally ill in the church. Sorry for rambling on about all this stuff, but it is all tumbling over and over in my head.