[AbladeintheMeadow]

I've been doing what I know is not always helpful & googling my symptoms/feelings/behaviour and I came across the term Smiling Depression which seems also to be known as Walking Depression & possibly Atypical depression is the same or a similar set of signs & symptoms?

I was beginning to think there was something physically wrong with my brain because I have days when I wake up feeling better and wonder why I'd spent the days before crying at the drop of a hat & feeling so low that the dark thoughts permitate entire days & weeks.

I couldn't understand how if I am depressed going out with friends was still capable of making me feel happy. I felt like I was a fraud or going mad or had a physical brain problem because after that reprieve of the event the subsequent return of the feelings of despair & hopelessness are genuine too.

And I couldn't work out why if I really did feel so s**t how was I able to keep getting up, keep functioning, keep being there for others etc etc I thought I was going mad & that my mind was making me think I was depressed when all the time I maybe wasn't? And while on many days at the same time as doing everything I should do and is expected of me I know I'm so close to tears I can't believe people can't see straight through the facade (not that I want them to) or I can be at work or home and the dark thoughts that are going through my head and the fights I have with myself not to act on them because the triggers & means are all around me.....if anyone could read my mind they would have me hospitalised for my own safety. But I fight those thoughts and carry on with everyday life. It is exhausting and distracting and makes me slow at my job which makes me feel like a failure & rubbish at home which makes me feel like a failure as a wife & mother & the guilt that goes with it. It's hard to put it into a coherent form. I'm aware I'm rambling and probably not making sense but this is the only place I feel able to do this.....to try & explain what it's like inside me.

Anyway I read about Smiling Depression and it was like someone had got inside my head - it all suddenly made more sense. If anyone has been diagnosed with this form of depression and you don't mind sharing your experiences and what you do day to day compared to how you feel on the inside I'd be very grateful. Or if anyone knows of any helpful resources please let me know.

Thank you.

[Skeezyks]

Hello AbladeintheMeadow: Well... the Skeezyks has never been diagnosed with this. Neither does he know of any particular resources related to it. But he absolutely understands the concept. It describes his entire existence.

In fact, just prior to reading your Thread, I was thinking about how my entire existence is (& always has been) based on someone else's concept of who I should be. (I'll spare you the details...) I would have to say though, as I have gotten older, it has become increasingly difficult for me to maintain the façade. When I was younger, I could squelch the typhoon that swirls within me & keep going... plastering a smile on my face to hide the pain. Most of the time, I didn't do it well... but I did it. However over time my ability to do so has weakened.

Based on posts I have read here on PC, written by other older members, I have the impression this is not just me. It is a characteristic of growing older. I think as time goes on we just lose the "strength" it takes to keep hammering this stuff back. As a result, I think it is important for young & even middle aged individuals to try to resolve these sorts of inner conflicts if they can; because ultimately the pain will out one way or another. Thanks for posting this Thread. It made me think. I wish you well...

Hi, I have been diagnosed with Atypical Depression. For those who are unsure of this it is a melancholy which is accompanied by extreme 'performance anxiety' - especially when it comes to work and social situations. Those with Atypical Depression report a heaviness in their limbs - I liken it to lead weights in my hands pulling me down. Atypical Depression is aslo accompanied by a drastic weight gain in a short period of time - about %5 of body weight per month. It hits mostly women in their 40s, mostly those diagnosed with BP1. It is devastating.

My depression is cyclical - often triggered by sudden changes in the weather and the seasons. Twice I have been hospitalized and twice it was necessary to be treated with ECT to put me on the road to recovery. I feel worthless but also deeply afraid. I am overwhelmed with thoughts of failure - particularly when it comes to work, volunteering, or other situations where I have made a committment and thus have an expected performance to uphold.

I have been thus far stable this last year. CBT has been a big part of that.

[Fizzyo]

I have heard of 'smiling depression' I thought it was primarily a description of a person who covers their depression symptoms with a smile so some people don't believe they are depressed.

I find being with friends can lift my mood temporary. I think it is because I am concentrating on them and things outside myself. Often I feel the depression comes back with a vengeance afterwards, as if to make up for lost time.

I'm glad that being with friends can give you a little respite from your pain.

Sending hugs and caring thoughts.

☀️ ☀️

[AbladeintheMeadow]

Thank you for your responses. I agree Skeezyks as the years pass it does seem to get more difficult to carry on what is I guess an act. It's almost like the edges have frayed & while for the most part the outside world is none the wiser there are now tell tale signs if someone knew what they were looking for.

Thank you Justafriend306 I haven't experienced the weight gain or the heaviness in the limbs. The atypical factors that seem to fit me more are the temporary lift in mood as a result of a positive event, (tho' as you describe Fizzyo, the subsequent crash is a crash, to the point I almost dread the event that I know is going to lift me because I know what's coming after), increase in sleepiness & sensitivity to rejection which is contributing to the sense of failure in all aspects of my life. Without the other two maybe I don't fit the criteria entirely.

Thank you all for responding. I'm going to go back to my GP I think & discuss things with her again. Thank you for helping me get things more straight in my head.

Sending you all love and warm wishes.

Originally Posted by AbladeintheMeadow

The atypical factors that seem to fit me more are the temporary lift in mood as a result of a positive event. ...increase in sleepiness & sensitivity to rejection which is contributing to the sense of failure in all aspects of my life.

Oh, I forgot to include these in my list! They definitely fit the bill as they are hallmarks of the disorder.