[Justanotherstar]

Sorry this isn't written will i haven't slept much lately and its 5am



A little bit over a year ago i started to notice a slight change in myself that i can't really put into words, among other things it felt is if my life was slowly fading away from for everything like i wasn't actually living my own life. i thought nothing of it and didn't dare talk to anyone about (couldnt if i tried) it so i became complacent with whatever was going on. after a while i started having trouble understanding things in general , things that i usually would have no problem with, this was worrying but again i decided to ignore it. During this time i was dealing with some changes in my life this just added onto the stress i already had from school and trying to get my life figured. i fell into a dark place, constantly crying myself to sleep, stop eating, picked up some bad habits, overall felt like nobody understood me while then lead to a deep loneliness..i had quite a few good friends back then too that were always around me but still felt like i had nobody to talk to. Over time lead to me loosing myself, things started blurring together like life was moving faster than i was and it knocked me down even more. nothing mattered at that point eventually i lost touch with my emotions which wasn't a bad thing,nothing could hurt me in a sense.
After high school things were looking up, i had a plan for college,a good job even made few good friends but these feelings never really left me, they no longer interfered with my daily life but somehow if felt they were still there in the back of my mind. Slowly i watched all my plans for the future die, and really this didn't bother me all that much life was good all i had to worry about was work,partying and weed. for a while i felt genuine bliss in the numbness. until i got sober… then all my emotions and dark thoughts came back in almost a chain as if one bad thought lead to the next until i wanted to scream. all i could hope is that they would just shutoff and i could become emotionless again so i might be able to function.
Eventually i got what i wanted a few months ago. Which leads me to where i am now, i still don't know who i am, the loneliness is still there, and if I'm not “self medicated” nightly i lay awake as my thoughts put me into an even bigger hole. Still i have not told a soul about this. Now I've just accepted all of it and just float through life like I'm on looking through a window as it passes by. i feel as if I'm living in a warped perception of reality and no longer no what real life is. I've been sober these last few days and have had some time to think and now i don’t know if i just convinced myself i was living in this warped state of if this what real life feels like. its too much confusion to take my thoughts are always racing so even hard for me to think most of the time. i just want to understand what is going on…so I'm hoping someone will be able to help me do that or at least give me some advice on what to do now.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Justanotherstar: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PC is certainly a good place to begin figuring out what it is you are experiencing. The more you post here, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will become. However, in addition, it may be important for you to talk with someone in real life about what you're experiencing. This might be a trusted friend... a therapist... or other person. These sorts of experiences, if left unacknowledged, ignored, & stuffed down have a way of growing stronger & more difficult to deal with as time goes on. So, from my perspective, joining us here on PC is a great start. But please also consider taking the next step as well & find someone in real life with whom you can share what is happening.

[Justanotherstar]

i very much appreaciate your time, i will take your advice and try to find somebody to reach out to.Thank you for making me feel welcome here

[Fizzyo]

Hi Justanotherstar,

Thank you for sharing with us here. I agree with the Skeezyks, I would urge you to talk to someone in 3D life, even if it's your doctor, especially as it's affecting your sleep so much. That is a sign you might need to see a doctor, or at very least the college counsellor if there is one.
This kind of slide needs addressing before you get more desperate.

I'm very familiar with the feeling that life is fading until I feel it's not me living it. There is help available so you don't necessarily have to live this half a life nod deal with it on your own.

This kind of mental pain is very common even if people don't talk about it. There is no shame in it and asking for help is a sign of strength.

Be kind to yourself, I hope you find the support you need.