[LelouchLamperouge]

I've been extremely unstable this month and have been suicidal during the majority of this time. I have been unable to go to my classes for the past 3 weeks or so. I've been hospitalized during this time too for suicidal reasons. I was placed on a 5150, involuntarily hold, because I cut my wrist. I f-ing hated it. I never want to go again. I think I'll die before I ever go back there.

A student affairs case manager from the university reached out and contacted me in concern. I don't know how but he found out about my 5150. This makes me feel strange. I met and spoke with him yesterday. He helped me with determining how to move forward in regards to the university and with my classes and working with my professors. I felt better about it after I spoke to him because he helped me with how to approach my professors. He is emailing them too and feel like he helps legitimize everything I'm going through and makes me feel better about it.

I spoke to 2 of my professors today. The first one I spoke to was fully willing to work with me in determining the best path for me. I told him I want to try and finish the semester as I think that's one of the few or only things that could help me feel or get "better". Or it could absolutely have the opposite effect and put me in a worse state if failing to do so. He is allowing to basically ignore the points from the period I have missed. He is even allowing me to do an incomplete which is having time after the semester ends to finish all of the work that the professor would require me to do. Within a one year time frame and on my own time I think? I don't think I want to do that though because I want to try and finish the semester.

The second professor....was not willing to work with me at all or provide any alternatives for me to make up the time I've missed. I told him I was extremely uncomfortable talking more in depth of my situation but once feeling like I was backed up against the wall, I offered to show him the papers/brochure that the psych hospital gave me that I had in my bag to show proof and how serious it was for me. He said it wasn't needed and dismissed it. He said it wouldn't be fair to give someone else an advantage and had to keep the level of the playing field the same for everyone. Are you fudging serious? I was born at a disadvantage from others and its just not fair I have to be or feel like this for the entirety of my life. I don't want to be or feel like this. I wouldn't wish I was dead or never born if I didn't. People don't realize how incredibly crippling depression and anxiety can be and along with having ADHD. I'm waiting to see a neurologist as well to determine any other possible learning disabilities. So basically I have to get somewhere around an A on the final exam to pass. He said he believes in me and to believe in myself that I can do it. F u. When considering the probability of doing so is far outweighed by the negatives. Especially because I feel like that often times that my grades on exams are widely varied and cannot be guaranteed or counted on to a high degree like this no matter how much I study. I was starting to tear up and have a runny nose while starting to get an anxiety attack inside. It was hard to actually articulate anything. I asked about the idea of an incomplete but he didn't know what that was. I tried to explain to him from what I understand but he wants me to go to admissions to find out specifics about it. Incompletes are given solely based on the professor's discretion. It's up to them if they want to give the student that option. Like wtf? You should go figure it out yourself. You're the one that needs to understand what it is so you can determine to allow me to pursue that option or not. He tells me to take time to think about what I want to do and tell him next week....so I leave now and go home and my head hurts. Not to mention I'm already on probation. If the semester doesn't go well then I am dropped from the university. Then I really will go...well let's just say I will be nowhere to be found. I feel more and more backed into a wall.

Possible trigger:

I want to kill myself and die.
I'm trying really hard to push forward right now but I don't want to care anymore now. I see a lot of cars right now and impulsively thinking if I want to jump in front of one.

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[LelouchLamperouge]

I'm sorry for the wall of text...I just feel like I'm backed into a wall and running out of options.

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[Fizzyo]

Hey lelouch, I'm so sorry things have got so difficult. I'm glad the welfare person got in contact. Can they give ongoing support.

I know it might not help how you feel but you showed your strength and courage facing up to the issue and approaching the professors.

I hope you can find a way to get some credits from this semester, can you get credits from completing the work for the professor who will work with you and disregard the other one for the time being? I don't know your system so I may be talking rubbish, if so please forgive me.

I really feel for you with the struggle to complete all this in such a short time frame.

I wish you luck and some strength.

That's enough rubbish from me, I'll try and send some kind of care and encouraging thoughts, inadequate as that is.

[Stronger]

Oh my goodness. Professors sometimes can just be the absolute best or the absolute worst. I understand. Does your school have student accessibility services? I've used the one at my university for a few years and it has been an absolute lifesaver several times. You do have a ligament reason, not something that you just made up or are doing for attention. This is a very real issue that is absolutely life altering.

Maybe you could get someone higher up in the university to talk to that one prof. I've found that sometimes with extremely uncooperative people like this, the best (and sometimes only) way to get somewhere is to go higher up in the chain of command. Talk to that prof's supervisor's supervisor's supervisor if you need to. I've done it before. There is no shame in making them aware the discrimination you have had to face from that prof. That information is confidential and he had no right to ask for proof. And refusing "giving an unfair advantage" to someone with a real disability is absolute discrimination. Pretty much all universities take discrimination very seriously.

My friend, college does not have to be the pit of despair. It really can be a great time of life, but you need to speak up. Closed mouths don't get fed.

Does your uni have a counseling service? A lot of uni's offer the service for free. There is also usually the option to see a pdoc at the campus health center. I don't know if they put you on any meds while you were inpatient, but there definitely can be hope somewhere with therapy and meds.

Also, (because I've been there), you don't have to define yourself by your inpatient experiences or the previous 5150. You are so much more that this horrible disorder that is clouding your everyday life. There is so much more to life that depression loves to hide from you. It doesn't have to be that way, and you don't have to end it all because of that. Please please know, my friend, that YOU are so much more important than your education. It is OK to take a year off of school to get some intensive treatment if that's what you think you need. You're uni might even be willing to keep your scholarship waiting if you play your cards right.

You don't have to expect everything to be perfect again soon either. Beating ourselves up for the slip ups and mistakes we make is exactly what depression wants you to do. Healing is a journey, not a destination.

As for the suicidal ideation, my friend, there is so much I want to tell you, but I know that when those thoughts are so real it can be hard to hear. So just remember, tomorrow is always a new day. Try to keep track of the events/interactions that push you towards those thoughts, its helps keep your mind from blowing the situation out of proportion.

And above all, know that you are worth it. You are worth striving to regain your life back into your hands and continue pushing through. You are worth it. There is hope. It may not be visible at the moment, but it's there.

I apologize for this post being so long, I hope it didn't overwhelm you. I just genuinely feel for you because I have sat in a professors office with tears in my eyes trying to hold back a panic attack because they were so unbelievably uncooperative.

You are not alone in this.

[seesaw]

I echo what Stronger said. You have a clear case of discrimination from this other professor. You can get through this but you have to be willing to fight for your future by going to higher ups and making them know you won't just go away.

Please don't give up. Once the anxiety passes, start looking into who to meet with and set up those meetings.

Seesaw

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