Story time!

Hello guys! I am rather new here.. And i have already posted a thread on the New Members Introduction page, and i received some support about what i had asked, but some were under the impression that my story deserves some more thought in order to better understand the roots of my depression, and discover some coping mechanism, since there are moments when i do not belive that i can handle it all.

That being said, and without further delays, i shall tell my story for those interested to hear it. I am not really certain when it all started, because a significat amout of time has passed since that moment. All I can say is that at the end of the 2014 summer, things have changed for me. I am not ashamed to admit that, when it all started, the main reason I belive it was a crush that i had on a girl. I do not know how or when, but i woke up one morning and I knew that I liked her, deep down. Now, I know that the only way to make this work is by being brutally honest with myself and those interested in hearing and helping me. For that main reason, i shall try to unravel every possible detail, even if I am ashamed by it.

So, as I said, when it all started, a mere girl was behind it all. I was so desperate that i actually asked her out. I did my part and had a pretty good time and stayed in touch for a year, in which time my condition started deteriorating at a alarming rate, because I knew a relationship was impossible no matter what anybody said. Also, in attempt to understand why I felt so bad, I actually discovered more things that weigh hard on my heart. In other words, I started to focus on the negative parts of me, my life, my friends, even my family. Needless to say, those contributed in an unsatisfactory way to my supposed depression.

Anyway, I actually confessed to my best friend, so desperate I was to see that i wasn't alone. A disappointing decision, if there ever was one., let me tell you that. He listened, I grant him that, but he mearly wanted to change the subject, as though the conversation was awkward for him, not for me. I know that mental health issues are pretty taboo, so I don't blame him for not knowing what to do or say.

Anyway, months passed, complications ensued and were overcome. My situation stayed almost the same for a year, with crippling depressive episodes and periods of time when i felt better, due to satisfactory conversations or interactions with both my crush and my friends. As time passed, my interest for the said girl diminished for some periods of time only to be rekindled with every chance it got. But one time, my interest disspeared for good. The same cannot be said about my depression. I am afraid that I still had troubles and many reasons to be sad over the year of 2015. But one thing is certain, the situation was better without my crush. Overall, I felt better. I could make a happy face at school, sometimes i even belived i was happy. Truth be told, I thought that I could overcome it all.

Now , before I continue telling my story from the last half of 2015 through may 2016, I need to unravel some details that might prove useful for the next part of my story. Now, throughout the 10th grade, I was "accused" , so to speak, by many classmates that i liked a certain girl from my class. I am not sure what part of my behaviour made them think so, because i don't think I was flirty. I shan't deny that i considered her cute, or pretty, or whatever, but I wasn't interested at all. But those remarks that my classmates made left a mark on me, so to speak.

So... The summer of 2015 was a bit different from the rest of the year. I mean, i felt worse for a big chunk of time. Same reasons, nothing new to add. But at some point, I confessed yet to another friend, since the last one thoroughly forgot that i have depression. This one tried to help me, but didn't actually manage. This was the second time I reached out for help, and failed to gain the support that i sought. He is, I belive, under the impression that a friendly hug or a positive thought, a friendly tap on the back or asking me from time to time if i was upset or something was more than enough to cure me. I think you will all agree how terribly mistaken he was, or is. He, like many others, fail to grasp the seriousness of mental diseases. In mere moments of desperation, I even thought of educating him as to how to act or speak with a depressed person, since i was reluctant to confess to another to see if he would fare better. But this seems more like a cry for attention. I need, and i want attention, no doubt, but i won't lower myself to such a degree as to beg for it. As such, I always dismissed the thought, ashamed for even thinking that.

As the 11th grade started, I noticed how depression started to affect my concentration. Venture to say that now, depression started to affect my day to day life. Throughout September, October and November, i had some kind of mood swings. I was very stressed because School started to get harder and it was a vital part in my educational process. I still got some of those 'accusations' that i spoke of. But overall, it was manageable. The burden was heavy from time to time, but I managed to bear it alone. But in December, things took a turn for the worst. Not sure exactly when, and I cannot belive that I am writing this, but I actually started to like the girl from my class that I spoke earlier. I was very confused for a few weeks. I absolutely couldn't belive that i actually started to like her. I thought , at first, that it was impossible, and dismissed the idea. So i tried not to think about it any more, because i was very well aware what having a crush on a classmate mean, considering the fact that I already was depressed for so many reasons. But, as it usually happens, things didn't go my way, so I started to have a crush on my classmate. I was very ashamed of this, i actually hated myself. I never wanted this but it happened.

I know we don't get to choose our own feelings, but the choices are our own. We can choose to accept the fact as it is and try to endure it, or we can choose to fight untill exhaustion, realising towards the end that we never had any chance of defeating it. Not while you are alone, not while your heart is crushed on a daily basis and your mind dreams of things impossible. Not when all the world seems either against you, or doesnt give a flying @@@@ about you(pardon my offensive language, i only now realise how much this thing drains me, how much it affects me)

I really want others to know how hard it is for me and how much I suffered and continue to suffer. I go to sleep with so heavy a heart, sadness dripping from it like poison from a fang. I can't be happy at school any more, you know why. I am tired of living off dreams, because just realising they might never become true is just too much for my exhausted self. I am tired, so tired, tired of fighting the negative thoughts, so tired of being disapppointed, tired of being depressed. Some days, even getting out of bed seems a great victory. How can I hope to build a succesful future if I either feel sad or empty, not having the energy of doing anything productive? How can I hope to get better if help is so hard to come by, if i don't have anyone to talk about it? I would really like my friends to know, but I already know that some might not give a damn, others might not know what to do, others might think that it isn't too serios or even awkward?

What can anyone do, when faced with such problems? Yes, I thought of suicide often. More often in the last months than the last years. I fancy the idea of going to sleep, never waking again, leaving all your troubles on the earthly plane.

There are some hurts that go too deep, that time cannot mend. How can we hope for things go back to the way they were if so much bad had happened? How can you pick up the threads of an old life, when in your heart, you begin to understand that there is no going back?

Hi Clapper,
Thanks a lot for sharing and Welcome! In my opinion, depression can "start" in different ways and we, as humanity, do not know the mechanisms of depression exactly, yet. But, to me, once it is installed, depression "has a life on its own". Depression is a mental health condition that does not discriminate by nationality, age, gender, etc. And regular people do not understand it. Regular people's advice about depression is useless and, sometimes, even harmful. Sometimes even regular doctors do not know much about depression and underestimate its powerful consequences. I cannot tell you if you have depression . All I can tell you is to trust your gut. You feel that there is something wrong here, that yours is not just sadness. Well, despite other people's interpretation of your behavior, go ahead and look for help. Get informed, participate in this forum, take quizzes, eventually, talk to a counselor, if you want. Here, I found good advice and support, I think you will find them, too.
Please, keep posting. I am sending you a hug

Thank you for the reply.

Thank you!