I just so wish I could move on. I don't understand why I'm so stuck. No one does. It just seems that no matter what I do or how others try to help I am still in this position.

I am so damn good at ruining my life. Whatever help comes my way, I just seem to throw it back.

There's a song I like, feel like it sums up my life. "Just give me one fine day of plain sailing weather, and I can **** up anything."

****ing up is my forte.

How do I change this?

I am doing everything I can to make this worse for myself. Drinking. Staying up late. Hurting myself. Shutting everyone out.

I hate being me. I hate this. And I just can't change it.

Sorry to hear about this. It seems like this sounds pretty much like me also. I feel stuck simply because I am afraid to make a change; and then I feel like making a change can be very risky. I have a tremendous fear of failure and I think that I will regret making a change. I wrote about what I'm saying on this forum last week on a thread called "Feeling Like It's All Dead End".

As I've gotten older, I feel like I want to stay in my comfort zone and not make waves. Even when I'm in a place that I don't like that much. But I know that I would really have to push myself to get out of the ruts that I'm in.

[TheOriginalMe]

I understand so well. Even when I am doing ok I have this deep nagging doubt telling me I am screwing up and eventually that doubt becomes a voice that gets louder and louder.
Today it took me three hours to ask how to book catering for an event. The longer I left it the more urgent it became and the greater the urgency the harder it was for the words to come out. I managed to get over that fear and just do it but then this afternoon I put off something else far longer than I should have done. I believe the expression is deliberate self sabotage. I hate that overwhelming powerlessness that follows me round.

I don't know the answer, it never gets any easier I am afraid. Yet somehow I keep muddling through and the people who know me have no idea that I struggle so much.

Yep, I'm a pro at self sabotage... Trying to change that, and I've done better at that in recent months by actually taking my meds as prescribed. I had a habit of just stopping altogether as and when I felt like it. Although saying that, I have just decided to cut down one of my meds. We'll see how that goes...