Feeling lost and alone

I'm not really sure what to do these days. I have been constantly suicidal, and last week I made a stupid attempt involving a relapse in drug use that's had terrible repercussions this week. I feel...twisted. Like I'm not really me. Others close to me know that I am an FTM transgender, but I don't think that my boyfriend's conservative family could handle it if I transitioned. I don't even know what my own family would say. I feel trapped in my own body, I don't feel any connection with the person I see in the mirror, I'm anxious every minute of every day, my meds never let me sleep, and I just wonder...I've dealt with this for 11 years. I keep reading posts about people who have suffered with their episodes for 20, or 30. The last time I was in psych, I met a guy who had been visiting the same hospital for 20 years, ever since he was a teenager. It really sunk in for me. Will I get better? I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and I constantly feel as though he would be better without me. He says that I'm his world, but then I'll have a bad night, and suddenly, it's too much, and we're blowing up again. I'm supposed to be getting better. I'm taking the meds. I'm going to my therapist. Is it too much to ask for to have a good day once in a while? At this point, I feel like happiness is just a sham. You are either born in a way that you can accept the status quo, or you are defective and you ought to give up. I had a psychotic break last week, and trying to explain my actions for my generally pretty mentally stable boyfriend was impossible. I almost wish that he could get it, so that he could let me go. But at the same time. I don't really want to die. I don't want to let him go — my life is really starting to look up, in many ways. I just want the parts of me that are broken to die. You can't peel away the layers until you get to the part of you that isn't rotten, and that's the part that sucks. I feel like I've gotten a taste of happiness, and suddenly, someone is ripping it out from underneath me. Please tell the truth, does it seem to anyone else like there is any hope out there?

Depression is hard. It makes us lose hope even when there is some to be found. I don't have any profound words of wisdom or some enlightenment. We just deal with the day at hand and keep trying to make things better. Eating, getting enough sleep, trying to treat ourselves well and making the best choices we can to move towards happiness. It sounds like you have one thing in your life that you hold onto despite how terrible you feel.

I doubt your BF would be better off without you. I bet if you asked him he would freak out a bit, but I the last thing he would say is you don't matter.

I've struggled with depression most of my life. Extremely bad when I was in my teens. Times do get better and then they get worse and then they get better. I just keep pushing through it for the people I love and cling onto the hope that good times will come and the dark cloud will lift.

Mental Illness is hard to deal with and no one can really see it or know what it feels like unless they have been there. Me and my wife have dealt with my depression a lot and the way it works for us is she is supportive but it isn't her job to fix me. Early in our relationship when she saw me go through my depressed episodes she would try to fix it and it wouldn't help. She would get frustraded and it didn't work for either of us. The thing that helps me is her showing she cares. I get really down, can hate myself and feel like I don't matter. It helps break that malicious self talk feeling that someone cares. I've dealt with getting through the hardest times by clinging onto something important to me. I don't know what that is for you, parents, your BF, pets or god. Every time I have the thoughts of not wanting to be alive and deal with life I remind myself that people need me, that being around is paramount to my wife and child, so I just push through the tough patches until they pass. I find having people that are supportive and that I can talk to when I'm feeling down helps.

Thank you, that means a lot. It especially resonated with me that he can't be the one to fix me. Although he's dealt with my episodes for years now, I often still feel as though he tries, and that's what gets him frustrated. Whenever I withdraw into myself, he asks me what's wrong, and unfortunately, for a person with severe anxiety...I don't always know what's wrong. He doesn't seem to understand that I could be upset by absolutely nothing, if it's a bad enough day. Asking what happened is just likely to make it worse. I've spent most of my life feeling like or either blatantly being told that I am a mistake and my choices are wrong, so even though he often tells me that normal is boring and overrated, I find myself trying to fit in every way possible in order to make everyone else happy, while simultaneously destroying myself. I guess I keep just thinking that everyone talks about how life will get better, no matter how many years it takes, and I'm like...my run so far hasn't been that great. Am I really prepared for that many more years of misery?

Life doesn't magically get better. From my experience it takes work to get to a better place. Surrounding yourself with people you like and pushing away or distancing the ones who make life on you hard. Being invalidated is really hard. For me being invalidated led me to believe what I was feeling wasn't real and I just ended up getting angry and blaming myself for how I felt.

Maybe you can just tell him you are having a bad day when you are and there doesn't have to be a reason. It may help you to tell him what you want from him. Whether it is just someone to vent to or if your looking for comfort or whatever it is that he could or wants to do.

Normal is boring. At the end of the day I just have to be me with the ones I love. My wife may not always enjoy the low moments but there are also good ones. The more important part is that it is real and there is a genuine connection. I can't get that when I try to act or be a certain way because of others I'm around.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with this stuff. It's really hard and no one sees or understands it. You can message me if you want someone to talk to.