[basicgoodness]

I went to my primary care doc on Thursday because I've had a persistent pain in my side. She took a blood draw to check for clots. I got a call from her shortly thereafter telling me to get to the emergency room for a CT scan because my D-Dimer levels were elevated. So I went in, spent six hours there, got the CT scan and sure enough I have several blood clots in my lungs and legs. They came close to admitting me but determined that I am not high risk so I could go home with a prescription for a blood thinner.

My family immediately rallied around me, with calls of support and concern. The thing is, I don't really care that much about this latest health crisis. I have been depressed for a long time. If this kills me, so be it. Nobody rallies around me because of my depression, only a physical illness brings out that kind of support. I stick around because of my children, whom I love dearly and would not want to hurt. But the urge to die sometimes becomes almost overwhelming. I am on a new cocktail of meds, so maybe that will help, but I doubt it. Only major changes in my life, like getting a new job at age 65, would help. That seems unlikely to happen. So I continue to gut it out day by day.

[Skeezyks]

Hello basicgoodness: I'm sorry you're experiencing this latest health problem! I understand where you're coming from on this. The Skeezyks is 67. I'm also "gutting it out" day-to-day. I'm not on psych med's & I don't see a therapist. I have no one to talk to about what's going on with me. I just keep it to myself. In general, I think I'm pretty healthy for my age. But I've made the decision that I won't do anything major to prolong my life. It's pointless...

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by basicgoodness

I went to my primary care doc on Thursday because I've had a persistent pain in my side. She took a blood draw to check for clots. I got a call from her shortly thereafter telling me to get to the emergency room for a CT scan because my D-Dimer levels were elevated. So I went in, spent six hours there, got the CT scan and sure enough I have several blood clots in my lungs and legs. They came close to admitting me but determined that I am not high risk so I could go home with a prescription for a blood thinner.


My family immediately rallied around me, with calls of support and concern. The thing is, I don't really care that much about this latest health crisis. I have been depressed for a long time. If this kills me, so be it. Nobody rallies around me because of my depression, only a physical illness brings out that kind of support. I stick around because of my children, whom I love dearly and would not want to hurt. But the urge to die sometimes becomes almost overwhelming. I am on a new cocktail of meds, so maybe that will help, but I doubt it. Only major changes in my life, like getting a new job at age 65, would help. That seems unlikely to happen. So I continue to gut it out day by day.

I am sorry to hear about your health problems. How are you doing now, is the blood thinner working?

You made me think of something I encountered today. I am much younger than you. I saw several people (friends of my parents) that I hadn't seen in about 6 months until today at a funeral. They were asking how I was doing, but all I could manage to bring up was that I had been really sick from March into April and that I had been stressed out from my car being vandalized in February. I could not bring myself to bring up my depression to a single one of them, not even the awful insomnia I am going through right now. I just couldn't go there. It's true, depression makes people uncomfortable and I don't think it will ever be taken as seriously as a physical malady (in terms of people rallying around you). You take care.

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[dexter]

Hello basicgoodness. I have somewhat similar health related concerns (mine are cardiac, and like you I would be ready for it to take me today or tomorrow). I understand about people not "rallying". I don't have any support around but I've noticed that I get a card from coworkers on my birthday or for an extended illness... However I've been out of work for three or four weeks now due to depression and no one sends a card for that.

I am working really hard on staying alive. Therapy, an IOP program, and multiple support groups during the week. I am doing this strictly for myself only because I am in so much emotional pain but I am hoping for a better solution than suicide that can end the pain. So far the IOPp program I am in seems to be helping. The physical health thing is a different story. I am not scared at all by my recent new diagnosis.

I am hoping that you can find a way through the pain and find a way out of the depression. Please try to follow the medical advice in the meantime. I know it is hard. I am hoping that I am on a path to recovery. There was a period some months ago when I stopped taking all of my diabetes medications... I just didn't care any more. But I'm back on them and trying to be healthy again.

[basicgoodness]

Thank you all for your replies. I am taking my Xarelto as prescribed. I just wish depression was as easy to treat as blood clots. Yesterday I was able to get some things done around the house, like fix the sprinkler system, replace our front door handle and make dinner. I also went on a two-hour bike ride. Today I woke up at 2:30 and my mood is tanking. I'll just have to gut out another day, as Skeezyks says.

[dexter]

Double whammy for mental illness... Difficult to treat and difficult to get understanding and support from others. That's why places like this are so important. I also go to depression support groups where I can talk and listen. I like the DBSA run meetings, I'm going to two or three a week now.