[mat4sanity]

Warning this article may contain triggers

So many of you maybe new or have had experienced with what it's like to have a mental illness... For me the experience of having a an illness is nothing new but a future lable and awareness of having one is. I've had this illness my whole life and I have handled it very well so far but I finally snapped like a twig. No I am not on any meds. I don't have an official dx... yet... and yes I am seeking help. However I have tried everything I can do by myself without outsourced help. Although a few months ago when I lost another job because of it I left all personal attempts of controlling it stop.

Honestly it feels like I'm a prisoner. And from what I've heard with meds and treatment it will only get worse. I put myself on a strict schedule; when to get up, when to eat, what to eat or drink, what not to eat or drink, when to go to sleep and so on. Also limited by what I can do, where I can go and at what time, what I can buy, what I cannot buy and to stray away from any type of relationship such as having a girl friend. Because for me it interfered with my schedule. Self control is more like self imprisonment.

I made myself even promise I never would end my life no matter the reason. And yet 1 year ago this month I was 2 steps away from an attempt. Now I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what say, no matter what I promise myself it will end the same and every year I inch closer and closer to the edge. It been miserable freaking life and now I'm back down in depression facing the same ***** scheduled routine and self imprisonment again.

I don't want to go back... I want to feel free... I want to feel some sort of happiness that isn't psychotically induced with constant paranoia... I want to sit inside the norm instead of watching people who don't suffer like this throw their lives away while sitting on the outside. I feel like an animal at the zoo watching people press their ugly faces against the glass poking it and teasing me with food.

And now that I am aware of it being an illness I can't stop seeing all these thing I do feel and say... it's like knowing I'm going to touch a hot stove and that I will get burnt if I do and yet I touch it anyway because I can't stop myself... that is a metaphor by the way, I don't realistically touch hot stoves. I do not agree that suicide is an answer and I really hope my illness never tries to convince me that it is again. For now I will continue my fight against this and live to see tomorrow. I can not handle the thought of seeing my family and friends grieve over a pointless passing. No matter how worthless I am.

For any of you who are new or have considered/considering suicide as an option, it's not worth it... seek help... I know my words are not encouraging but trust me on this. I posted this because it is only but a thought and not an action and the best way to get rid of a thought is to vent... if I didn't it would linger for days, weeks or even months. I am not defined by my thoughts. I am however responsible for my actions and the harm it would inflict on those around me.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your struggle... & your perspective... mat4sanity. I've made 2 serious attempts previously, plus some other less-than-serious ones. However, as far as I can tell, I've now reached a point where I'm no longer a threat to myself. I'll simply wait for nature to take its course... with the caveat that I will not permit any major medical interventions & I will not allow myself to reach the point where I am dependent on strangers for my care.

Like you, I have struggled with mental health problems my whole life although I managed to keep the cork in the bottle. so to speak, until I had reached middle age. At that point, it all just began to unravel. I've been disassembling ever since. Over the years, I've done the psych med's & tried a few therapists. None of it was worth the bother in my estimation. I now simply strive to live in the moment & to accept things as they are... with compassion & equanimity... I wish you well...

[Fizzyo]

Hi mat4sanity

Sorry to hear your struggles, but thank you for sharing how you have survived over the years.

Like you I hit a brick wall in mid life and a lifelong "illness" had become worse, so I have been nearer self destruction than ever before.

I have had medication with limited success (although one did help a lot for 20 years until it stopped working) and some group therapy, mainly aimed at coping with the increased intensity of symptoms.

Overall there has been a little benefit, I can sometimes predict and act when something is about to trigger more problems and I have met inspirational people who also live with mental distress.

I know this is not a very encouraging scenario, but the intervention may help a little and a diagnosis may help you gain more insight into ways to cope while being more compassionate toward yourself.

Best wishes

[Fizzyo]

Thinking of you.