I wish I weren't boring.

Hi, me again, still really depressed, newly graduated high school, about to enter college, English major, yada yada yada...

Back with more vague, depressed rambles! Woohoo!!

I'm so ****ing boring as an individual. Like. The things I find exciting are semantic. The things I find scary are normal fun things. The things I care nothing for are what most relationships are based on.

My best friend spends all his time with me just doing upkeep on my emotional state. I put him in uncomfortable situations on a regular basis either with me directly or as a result of trying to make me more comfortable. I am so far from an ideal friend. I'm even further from an ideal best friend. In fact to call me that is insane because I'm nothing more than a burden at any given moment. He bends over backward to accommodate me on a daily basis and not only do I still berate him for "not doing enough" but that's literally all he does. He's not getting anything out of this relationship. It's all me. Me, me, me. I'm the only one benefitting from this.

I'm so ****ing boring. I'm probably dragging him down with me. I turn fun he does have into major emotional crises as soon as I know about them. He's depressed too, **** it, he needs to hold on to what fun he can legitimately get out of people in his life. I'm not a help to him. I'm a hinderance. I'm temperamental, I "shut off" at random times and suddenly need to be coddled until I can rejoin humanity, I'm a pest, and I come with no highlights, only downsides. I wish he could have found better than me for a best friend. I wish I could have been better for him.

I suspect he does get something out of it. Whether this is healthy or not is another question.
(I was married for many years to a man who needed his partner to have problems in order for him to feel better----he glimpsed this from time to time, and then forgot---I didn't understand, or take this in for years because it made no sense to me....he didn't "seem" like someone who would want/need this at all.
We used to blame me for many things he didn't get done. Well, years on, he never did those things after we parted...

We all have periods in our life in which we just need way more help than others. YOur friend "gets"something out of you. If you were such a hinderance he wouldn't be your friend! Try not to cast yourself so low. Everyone is worth loving and some people love to help those who need loving. Maybe you complete each other. Maybe yougive him more of a purpose than you think. Try to love yourself a little more, .

I assume he must be getting something out of the relationship, because he has never been one to do anything if he sees no gain from it. I just have no idea what the **** he sees in me. I'm terrified he'll stop seeing whatever it is and leave. He probably should but it may literally kill me (suicide) if he did.

Is he afraid you will harm yourself if he leaves?

Probably.

He seems like he really cares about you, is there a way you could try to treat him better.

Some people get into codependent relationship in which one person ignores their own needs and tries to fix or save the other person often. Maybe that is what is happening.

Or he could just really care and wants his best to help his you.

If there is a way for me to treat him better, I haven't found it. We discuss me stepping away from him occasionally, mostly when I start to tell myself I'm bad for him again, and he always says he's staying because he wants to and not because he feels forced. He wouldn't lie to me. He's been known to conceal things from me for various reasons, but to date he has never lied when asked a direct question, and he and his girlfriend have both said he probably wouldn't be able to look at me and lie convincingly if he ever even wanted to. I still can never tell if subconsciously he's staying because he fears I'd hurt myself otherwise. We both know I would. That's really not up for debate, and it's something we both realize I'm not equipped to fight right now. I tell him that my fate is not his responsibility and I'd gladly suffer self-harm if it meant I didn't harm him. That may not be helping any responsibility he may feel for me. I do know he loves me. It may still be best for him if he left, but he loved me before I was potentially toxic, and that at least hasn't changed.

I don't know what to do. I wish I were healthy. I'm not. This is what I have to work with. I love him. I want to do the best I can for him, even though that may be remarkably little.