Feeling scared

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take and I'm scared I'm just going to completely break down any day now. I work full time but it is getting harder and harder to be productive and make it through the day. Nobody has said anything yet but I'm sure it is just a matter of time before someone notices I can't do my job properly. Everyday I wish I could just call in sick but I don't because I know it wont do me any good. This is a long term issue and taking a day or even a week off wont make any difference. I can't sleep properly and I know that getting 4-5 hours sleep each night is not helping things. I just don't know what to do any more

I've been there....
I used to change jobs...for some reason this acted like a 'reset' for me, temporarily I would be fine at work if not elsewhere...it worked for years but now...now I am not so sure. I was in my late 50's before I took time off because of depression/anxiety/etc, two weeks with a doctor's note (he'd known me many yrs)---it provided a bit of relief but was frightening because I had never done that before...
You may find that others do not notice, or misinterpret what they see. That was generally my experience----when young, I was repeatedly being moved into positions of greater responsibility/authority---which was nerve wracking to me while others would comment on my "calm"----(I wanted to shout "no no not in HERE") with me knowing it would implode for me at some unexpected moment. Now, I find out people were upset that I left, confused by my moving about so much in work, even wanting me to stay...expecting me to stay...
Are you seeing a t? On meds? Have any outlet (I used to find aerobics helpful if done daily---)----really all I can offer is ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for your reply. Hopefully no one at work notices anything - I do put on a pretty good act of being "normal" so hopefully that is working. I do worry that they could misinterpret my behaviour for laziness though because that is what happens with my parents and they know I have depression.
I am seeing a T but it has been hard trying to work through things and it has stirred up a lot of stuff. I was on meds but I was experiencing excessive sweating and I didn't think they were helping anyway. I have been tapering off them for the past three weeks but now I'm not sure if that was a good idea. I've been trying to get in to see a Pdoc to get this sorted out but that has been just a massive screw around. I used to have "outlets" but I have no motivation to do anything anymore.

Retro-

I wish I had some great advice for you, but all I can offer is my empathy for your situation. I've been in therapy for several years for depression and anxiety, but it seems that I can't get out of the rut I've been in. I have been dx'ed as treatment resistant, also.

So, I'm just here to say that I hope you will continue to hang in and find something that you can get some happiness from. I haven't found anything yet, but I am still trying to forge on and seek. I wish you the best!

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I have been where you are. I did end up breaking down (Feb 2015) and I am still feeling the physical effects of it. I endedup taking about a month off for short-term disability. I don'tknow how that works in your country but here in America it is fairly easy. You will need to be in therapy while you are on disability. Just as if you were physically injured you have to be seeing a doctor and taking steps to try to get better. So long as you do that you can determine how long you need to be off. Your work doesn't have to know why you are out. They will just know that a doctor has said you are sick and can't come in. Please try and do this see if it helps. I waited too long and now my body shakes like I'm some kind of drug addict wanting a fix.

Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure how short ter disability works here either. The problem is, I don't even know how much time I should take off. At the moment I wish I could leave and never go back but obviously I need a job. Also, I would hate myself and feel like a failure if I took time off. This is ofcourse no reflection on you, I'm just particularly critical of myself.

I completely understand where you're coming from. Towards the end of my short term disability I was feeling the same way. The good thing about going on disability is you don't have a date set in stone. Everyone is different. That is why you work with your dr and you both determine when is a good time for you to go back.

I am so sorry for your situation. Dealing with MI is hard enough, but to have to deal with it along with work pressures must be overwhelming.

Do you have a Human Resources department where you work? If so, think about talking to someone there and find out what your options are. You don't have to make any decisions yet. But knowing you have some choices might alleviate some of the stress and anxiety you are feeling that is most likely compounding things.

Hang in there, Ceara1010