I am a pro at sabotaging my own recovery. And I really don't get it. I hate it. I feel like I finally have a med that seems to be helping...either that or the fact I haven't been suicidal for a couple of weeks is just coincidence... But I hate meds. Especially this one. It makes me feel kind of ill at the same time. Trying to tell myself it's worth it if mentally I'm better but I'm not sure.

Since I started it just over a month ago I keep missing doses. I have now missed 5 days in a row. It started with an innocent forget one night. Then the next day I just couldn't bring myself to take it. I keep telling myself I'll start again tomorrow, then tomorrow comes and I still don't do it.

It feels like there is something physically stopping me from doing the right thing. And I know there isn't, it's all just my head, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm embarrassed about it really. It shouldn't be this hard to swallow a couple of pills. I don't get why I turn it into such a huge deal. But once I get in this mindset I can't seem to get out of it. It quite often ends up with a stay in the hospital... I know I need to nip it in the bud before I get to that state...but how??

[DaveyJones]

I try to be religious about taking my meds, but sometimes I wonder if they actually help... I ran out of Wellbutrin back in the spring and didn't notice that there wasn't anymore in my pillboxes until the end of the month (I try to fill a month's worth of pillboxes at a time, but I ran out about halfway through, and didn't even notice it wasn't there anymore). By the time I noticed it had been a couple of weeks since I had had any... I was feeling pretty good, so I never refilled it. Things were pretty good until about a month ago, I've been in a terrible depressive episode ever since. I found an old bottle I had forgotten about and started again, but I've run out again (can't see my pdoc for a couple more weeks) and I'm really crashing now. I've thought about going to the hospital, but I just can't bear the thought of it.

I guess what I'm saying is that you have to try and give your meds a chance to work, even if they feel strange for a while. Discipline is hard when you're depressed, I know, but keep trying! Medication is not a cure, but it can help to make life at least tolerable.

Good luck to you, I hope you find a way to cope with this devil.

Dear HalloweenSkye,
I completely understand why you are anxious about taking medication. I often wonder if I really need my medications and if they are harming me in some way. Like you, when I first started medication it did stop my suicidal thoughts. That is really important. Currently, I'm not as depressed but have made the choice to continue to take my medication as "extra insurance" in regards to becoming severely depressed/agitated. And I can't tell you whether you should start taking your medication again. I think it's a personal choice based on how the medication makes you feel and whether it is helping more than hurting us.
However, since you have been suicidal in the past, are you at least staying in touch with a healthcare professional such as a therapist? And you say you are not suicidal but are you sure that you're fully recovered? During my last depressive episode, I had forgotten what it was really like not to be depressed. Not being suicidal may only be a partial recovery. You're really going to have to think about this and talk to someone to insure that you are making a rational decision about discontinuing your medications.
I want your recovery to be long lasting! Please monitor yourself carefully and get feedback from others.
Sincerely, Myst

[shamon86]

Originally Posted by HalloweenSkye

I am a pro at sabotaging my own recovery. And I really don't get it. I hate it. I feel like I finally have a med that seems to be helping...either that or the fact I haven't been suicidal for a couple of weeks is just coincidence... But I hate meds. Especially this one. It makes me feel kind of ill at the same time. Trying to tell myself it's worth it if mentally I'm better but I'm not sure.


Since I started it just over a month ago I keep missing doses. I have now missed 5 days in a row. It started with an innocent forget one night. Then the next day I just couldn't bring myself to take it. I keep telling myself I'll start again tomorrow, then tomorrow comes and I still don't do it.


It feels like there is something physically stopping me from doing the right thing. And I know there isn't, it's all just my head, but that doesn't make it any easier.


I'm embarrassed about it really. It shouldn't be this hard to swallow a couple of pills. I don't get why I turn it into such a huge deal. But once I get in this mindset I can't seem to get out of it. It quite often ends up with a stay in the hospital... I know I need to nip it in the bud before I get to that state...but how??

I get this. Taking medication is sometimes a necessary evil I guess. I hate it though. I feel like I take too much medication and I want off of all of it. But I don't know what's going to happen, I'm seeing my doc next week and I've been in a rut lately that I can't seem to find my way out of.

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