[pinktrudy]

Hi everyone! So I will tell you all a basic story. I have major depressive disorder, anxiety and panic attacks. At the end of 2014, my boyfriend broke up with me, we had big plans, a move in and going to Cali. Everything started turning to poop. My mother is a narcissist and after my breakup she started pressuring me more each day. Oh btw on 2014 as well I was sexually assaulted at my job. Anyways, I have two beautiful children. Which I have always cared, nurtured and loved deeply.

One week before my incident, I started snapping at stupid things. And I knew this wasn't me cause I am very calm and introverted person. I started acting out while driving etc. But then came the dreaded day it was a Saturday, my mom was giving me a hard time cause she always wants things done her way or the highway. My sons started getting on my nerves, I was losing control of myself very quickly. That Saturday night I acted horrendous. I got drunk, which I never do, took a lot of Xanax mixed with Unisom and that stuff made me crazy. I got to the point were I threatened my kids. Then I went to my room to calm down and my eldest which was 16 at the time, left with my 4 year old at the time.

When I came out of the room still drunk, They were gone. So I called my ex, since practically all of my neighbors knew my kids location but would not tell me. My ex got to my apartment and he instantly called the police, they were gone for two hours my kids. So long story short, my two boys were given temporarily to my mother and ex. I haven't seen them in a year and one month. A judge put a restraining order on me, no contact, nothing. I had my job, I was dealing with the loss, trying to get better for them. Btw never were my two boys neglected, hurt, mentally abused nothing. They were always loved.

So I felt like poop cause I was all alone at home and that horrible night came to me like a movie everyday several times a day. My family disowned me. My mom and ex made sure that everyone that knew me, found out about that Saturday. Well I lost my job in March 2016. And that made my depression worst than ever. Right now I have lost a total of 20lbs. For the record I weighed 100lbs before all this, I'm very short with a small frame, so now I look like the corpse bride.

I only have three friends and they are all in the States. I have changed meds so many times I lost count. I feel more depressed than ever, my unemployment benefits are all used up. I'm behind on my car two months, about to get my cell cut off. I look so ugly on the outside those ignorants out there think I'm on drugs, NOOO its depression. I don't have a support system. And I didn't hurt my children that night or ever. Everything that I try to do fails. On 2015 I was pretty, I'm no Miss Universe but I felt pretty, now I'm only the shade of the woman I was. Thanks guys for reading, any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Skeezyks]

Hello pinktrudy: Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. You didn't mention, in your post, if you're seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist at the present time. From what you wrote, 2014 was an extremely difficult year for you. And things have just gone downhill since then.

Sexual assault can have a lasting impact that echoes down through the years, particularly if left untreated. And, since it sounds as though you perhaps had some mental health issues even before your assault, what you experienced may well have had even greater impact. And so, now, you have fallen into a deep pit of depression & anxiety.

I think what is going to need to occur here is for you, in some way, to find the help you need to process all that has happened to & with you. And the typical way people do this is via therapy. I don't know what is available to you where you live. But, hopefully, there are some services available that can be of help to you. If there are services geared toward assisting victims of sexual assault, that might be a good place to begin.

Writing about how you're feeling can help too. So please keep posting here on PC. My best wishes to you...

P.S. Since it appears you may be in Puerto Rico, I found the following website that may be of some help:

WomensLaw.org | Puerto Rico: Know the Laws

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]