[MtnTime2896]

I'm so desperate for some ****ing help right now. Something, anything. Anything to make it all just stop. I just want it to stop. I feel so empty.
I won't do anything. I couldn't put my fiance through that or several other people I love.
I just want to stop fighting. I just want to let myself finally go off the deep end, lose it all.
I can't keep holding all of this weight on my shoulders and telling everyone that "I'm okay", cause I'm not. I'm not okay, I haven't been for a long damn time and somehow I keep going, whether or not I want to, I keep going. I put on that fake smile and hold back tears and fight the urge to let my rage go out in full. I take care of too many people.
And I feel like somewhere down the line, people I trusted to tell about what goes on in my head, they all just forgot about me. I prefer to help others as opposed to getting it for myself but I can't keep that up 100% of the time. They all just kind of left me back here and only come back when they need me.
I wonder if they'll forget about me when I'm gone.

[RedStorms]

I'm really sorry that you're feeling like this. I am too... Do you want to talk more about the 'weight on your shoulders' and why you feel you're taking care of too many people?

Dear Só leigheas,
Sometimes life just beats the **** out of us and I know from reading your posts that you have endured more than most. Unless you are caring for a child (under 18), you have to take care of yourself first. You will eventually will be ineffective at helping others if you don't help yourself first.
If when you say you want to stop fighting, you mean SI, that can cause more problems than it solves. Can you confide in your fiance what you are feeling? If not, maybe you need to pull back a little from the relationship and work on yourself until you are feeling a little better. I don't know.
We can't make our sadness and rage stop. We can only feel it, accept it and evaluate it (maybe it's telling us something that we need to do in our life like set boundaries or change our own thinking). I think that sometimes the feeling get so intense that we'll do anything to turn them off (SI, legal and illegal drugs, sex, etc.). It's fine if we must do some of these things for a while to escape. We have to not beat ourselves up. To eventually accept our lives, our feelings. I am slowly recovering from depression and am trying to learn to accept myself and not feel embarrassed about all the mistakes I have made in my life.
I hope your misery turns a corner.
Sincerely, Myst

PS. Please ignore the people in your life that take and never give. Right now, you have to put yourself first. If you can't say "no" than just don't say anything but then go on and do things for yourself only.
You have so much to offer! You deserve to get better to your special light can shine again!

[guiltier65]

good morning
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Believe me, I get it....You were such a blessing to me last night! So congratulate yourself on every small step you take today. Keep reaching out and know that I care and understand. Be good to yourself and step back from everything that is weighing you down. Is there something you enjoy doing? Make some time for you...

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by RedStorms

I'm really sorry that you're feeling like this. I am too... Do you want to talk more about the 'weight on your shoulders' and why you feel you're taking care of too many people?

A lot of things have happened recently to my family and a few of my friends. I've always been the one who holds it together and helps everyone else out through it. The weight on my shoulders has to do with my PTSD, depression, anxiety etc. and never letting anyone know how bad it has gotten. I don't talk about it if I can help it but there are times I need to. I get a lot of "Don't talk like that" and "I don't have time for this" when I try to get it out. My fiance doesn't do that but he worries about me so much that I don't like giving him something else to worry about.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

PS. Please ignore the people in your life that take and never give. Right now, you have to put yourself first. If you can't say "no" than just don't say anything but then go on and do things for yourself only.
You have so much to offer! You deserve to get better to your special light can shine again!

My fiance's the most reliable person in my life, I don't like worrying him with everything. He always knows when something's messing with me, though and I tell him a little bit of it all so that I don't leave him entirely in the dark.
To clarify, when I say "I wonder if they'll forget me when I'm gone" I don't mean dead. I mean the day I cease to be capable of helping anyone. Will I out live my usefulness and that will be the end or will they actually stick around?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by guiltier65

good morning
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Believe me, I get it....You were such a blessing to me last night! So congratulate yourself on every small step you take today. Keep reaching out and know that I care and understand. Be good to yourself and step back from everything that is weighing you down. Is there something you enjoy doing? Make some time for you...

Thank you. I'm glad I was able to help you. I give advice better than I take my own, I guess. I'll find something I like today. I might just draw a lot today.

Quote: Will I out live my usefulness and that will be the end or will they actually stick around?

We'll never know until that day comes (though I'm sure my husband would and you are engaged because you and your fiance rely on/trust each other). That's our anxiety talking. We hate things we can't control. You've been beaten up by life and know that the challenges aren't over. It is hard to accept the way things are sometimes. It's hard to be unable to control the things to come. Some of them are **** scary! Myst

[guiltier65]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Thank you. I'm glad I was able to help you. I give advice better than I take my own, I guess. I'll find something I like today. I might just draw a lot today.

That sounds like a good idea. Do you like to color? I find that helps me to stay focused. It's easy to feel like you have to be the strong one,isn't it? I am just starting to realize that keeping the world going is not my responsibility. I just have to do the next right thing to keep me going. When I focus on that, it makes my life a little easier and takes a bit of the weight off my shoulders.

[Fuzzybear]