small steps

I'm not sure why i'm posting but i have no one else to share with. I have really been grieving my son's decision to transition to womanhood. I'm going to miss him so much, but maybe I took a step today. I asked for a picture of Gennifer (her new self) I'm a visual person, so my hope is that this will make it easier for her and help me in the process of acceptance. When I say acceptance, I don't mean of her decision or new identity; but acceptance of this new normal.
I will admit, i've been hurting. The rest of the family isn't ready, but I'm tired of living in this limbo hell. No one wants to talk about the elephant in the living room. just ignore it and the situation will magically go away.... that 's crap and i just can't do it any more.
my heart just plain hurts today and i haven't been sleeping well at all.
Thanks for listening...
you know, the hard part is just not being able to process it all. I shouldn't have posted anything because now the tears start, my heart hurts and i'm anxious. i'm just so tired and feel so alone.

Hello guiltier65: Well... I feel like celebrating your acceptance of your daughter. But, at the same time, my heart goes out to you over the loss of your son & your isolation. And, of course, not sleeping well certainly makes everything just all that much more difficult. I don't know if you are seeing a therapist. If not, this might be something to consider. As has often been said, it may be your daughter who has transitioned... but it's your transition too.

I will take issue with one thing you wrote here though. You wrote that you shouldn't have posted anything because now the tears start. As I think you know, you are carrying a lot of conflicting emotions with regard to this circumstance. You need some way to process it. Simply holding it all inside is a prescription for ongoing sadness. So, unless you can arrange for some other way to process what you are feeling, such as seeing a therapist, writing about how you are feeling, either here on PC or elsewhere, is at least providing you with some small outlet. It's a good thing...

I know this is hard on you but that small gesture probably means a lot to your daughter. I do hope the grieving will subside and you'll be able to enjoy her as herself.

While I'm not trans myself, I know people who are, and the fact that you're supportive is so wonderful. Many trans people don't get that from their parents/family and it's extremely painful and, especially if there are others having trouble accepting it, I'm sure your daughter appreciates your support more than you could know.
Still, it's completely understandable that the transition is rough on you too, of course. I would second the suggestion of considering therapy if you think it might help at all. Also, I know in some places there are even support groups, maybe look into those if you'd be interested and can find one near you. If not, there should be some online as well.

Skeezyks,
thank you for your understanding. I do see a therapist, in fact, I have appointment soon. But I'm dreading it. I've been navigating this without falling apart, but I'm not sure I can keep it together....