Is it strange?

I often wonder how many people would show up to my funeral if I killed myself. I also wonder would people finally realize how much pain I am in or would they just see it as the ultimate selfish act? Am I the only one that thinks this way?

No. I don't think anyone will come to my funeral either. And most people will be shocked when I kill myself, but be able to move on fairly easily.

I think the same .. husband and son will be upset (reason I keep plodding on), but no-one else. No funeral either.

No. It's funny, several family members claim to be there to help and they understand. Then, when I actually begin to open up, I get shut down faster than I can blink. "I don't have time for this." "Can you talk to someone else?" "When did you become so weak?"
I wonder if they would even care if I actually did something. Outside of my fiance, mom and a couple siblings, I don't think anyone really cares. How could they love me, anyway? I can't even seem to.
Sorry, I'm not in a good place right now. I can say that I've had a friend commit suicide. Her last words "No one's going to miss me." And I'm here, eight years later, missing her and wishing I could've done something. I wish I would've listened when she asked for me to call her that day. I don't think her depression allowed her to witness how many people cared about her. For all I know, it could be the same with me and that's one reason I don't go through with it.

I was told I almost died and enduring a breathing machine was really traumatic. When you are on a breathing machine you are mute.
It did shock my dad and siblings, they live in "the West" and had not seen me for years (I was isolating). But it was surprising the way that everyone stayed with me in the hospital all day long after I left ICU (I was in the hospital 21 days). My siblings had the kind of jobs that are hard to leave for such a long time but they did and my family was there a lot.
My mom died at a young age. It made the special events (marriages, graduations, births) very sad. Tears were always shed concerning not being able to share major life events with her (and her death was not a suicide). So it does make a big difference.
I know everyone is different and many at PC cannot emerge from the awful pain that depression causes. And when your depressed, it is hard to enjoy your family, you just don't have many happy emotions. It sucks. I am so grateful that a lot of my depression lifted earlier this year and I can feel joyful (along with sadness and tons of anxiety). I hope that everyone that posts in the depression forum can experience joy. The joy really is more intense after you have been under a veil of darkness for a long time. But for me, it only lifted due to realizing how important my role is in my family plus being more open to treatment provided by my therapist and psychologist. I might have to be on medication for the rest of my life making me feel "different" from people who have not dealt with mental illness. And I don't always feel as stable as I felt when I was younger and felt like I was in control of my destiny.
I hope someday Humpty Dumpty, Little Cat, Aussie sheepdaze, and everyone else a PC can feel more joy! You are all such beautiful souls with so much to offer!

Só leigheas
You are so right about "I don't think her depression allowed her to witness how many people cared about her." When you are depressed you think the worst things about yourself and many times they are just not true!

I've had these thoughts in the past - fortunately not for a while now.

People almost always say things that show they don't understand or they don't really care. Everybody is all caught up in their own dramas and not thinking about us, just as we are caught up in ourselves and not really thinking about them.

I don't care what happens once I die, because I'll be dead and won't know or care anything anymore.

All we have control over is now.

I think of this a lot too... I really think that only my parents would care about it... and no one else It's sad..

Your not alone in your thinking. I can count on one hand how many people it would effect if I died. None of them are dependent on me & would get along just fine. I have no children, parents, or significant other. Some will think of how much pain I was in, I always do of others, some will probably think it was selfish.

Other than my daughter and husband I don't know who would show up. Maybe an old friend or two.

to everyone