Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

"Music is good for the soul" is right. I feel so whole right now. My question is this: Why didn't I feel this good before? Was it the lack of good quality sleep and excessive daydreaming? ...Huh, I may have just answered my own question. I don't know what else it can be.

Wait-music therapy's a thing?!...Now I'm interested.

I have a good day today!

How am I not though? Based on articles written about emotional intelligence and sometimes posts on here, having a high IQ is looked down upon. Only high EQ seems to make you worthy, which would explain why people with much less ability/knowledge etc. are able to get jobs/TA positions etc. (and are generally more favored) before those who do. I was raised to believe IQ/ability/performance were the most important because that was my dad's experience. I was never taught to socialize and I might have even been actively discouraged from it if I'm remembering correctly. I didn't understand other children as a child.

I seem to get bullied/pushed around all the time, not necessarily because I'm too nice (although that's part of it), but because I don't realize that that's what's happening. I don't know if it's because I've been conditioned to take abuse or because I can't really tell the intentions of most other people. I've recently just had to start assuming everyone is lying, using me, is not being serious, etc. until proven otherwise.

And my confidence tanked after running into a new bully, a new faculty hire at my university. He ended up on my graduate committee and I can't take him off because one of my original committee members is on sick leave. It's hard to build confidence when you have someone who tells you to grow up in front of your peers, calls you high maintenance about something you already feel some shame about, makes fun of your boyfriend's name, and generally just makes you feel stupid and incompetent and tries to humiliate you in front of your peers (he also does this to other people).

But I digress, I should probably make my own thread...

Struggled through the day. Thinking a lot about my sweet pup and missing him. Don't feel like eating, when I do I feel sick. Just worrying a lot about where I will end up living and whether or not I will be able to get another pet. Trying to distract myself with art and it works for a little while and then I go back to feeling like I want to jump in a hole.

Had a migraine this afternoon which is a little better now.

My life's problems have no really answer.
Today wasn't a bad day. I acted differently and I am sure I made someone that criticized me badly in the other day be more fond of me.
Also I went out to dinner with my sister and we had fun at a bookshop because of an unimaginable coincidence.
But even so I feel sad today. Sad because I can't connect and I don't know how to do it. Sad because of the things I am missing in live but everyone else has experienced.
It's some kind of holiday tomorrow where I live, so at least I can sleep longer.
I wished that there was someone that had answers for my questions, but nobody seems to know anything and this uncertainty just helps me making me feel sad.
Coffee and alcohol make me feel more warmer inside...I am not an addict. I just had a glass of wine tonight.
I am going to sleep now.

Hi Mulan
I am sure there are people who have problems to connect like you, maybe in this site you find some of them. To me, it is important to talk to people that go through the same things like you. It make all the difference to me

Feeling very low and frustrated and tired and ....

drained but creative.

had a rough night yesterday (family stuff), but this morning feeling pretty creative, have the start of a story in my head so going to write a few chapters of it (or 1 chapter)

I better stop being lazy and get some things done today.

I find it funny that when I have to do something or if I want to do something for someone I care about I can summon the strength to get it done even if it is hard. But, if I have to do something for myself no amount of will power can move me to action. Today I'm feeling mellow but my energy levels are low. I'm more than a little anxious so I guess everything balances out.

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