Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

Good day for me thankfully, I was out for a run

I was very much on the go yesterday. Today is just the opposite. It's very windy outside. There's supposed to be a lot of rain by now but no rain yet. Even if it's just a cloudy day, it would be a lousy day to go bike riding. The wind is blowing so hard.

I got talking to my old man friend this morning. He wanted me to come and visit him, but I don't feel like going out in this weather. Plus I never feel comfortable at his house. He and his wife will be leaving on Wednesday to go to Cuba for 10 days.

I went to the same church I went to last week. It was good, but not as much as before. It's alright there, but it's worth another try.

I hope you get it back soon.

Rough night. I couldn't sleep more than 3 hours.
Now struggling with intrusive thoughts

. . . sadly resigned. He has long needed me, not really loved me. He loved being loved.

Are you OK?

I'm doing ok.

I'm okay. I don't feel like doing much but I'm not terribly blue.

He and I got out of the house today. He took me out for a nice dinner. Maybe I can feel less resentful. I want to be not just his handmaid.

I'm more-or-less okay.

Tonight I'm a lot better than I was.

I feel like I'm dying. Like I'm in the final stages of a terminal illness, and now it's time to say goodbye to the ones I love. I feel like I could dissappear at any moment.

It seems like it's been very slow at work lately. It makes the day drag. Also, after this coming Friday, the maintenance man will be out. There is supposed to be a man coming to take his place while he's gone. He'll be working part time. But there has been no sign of him. The maintenance man went over how to make the garbage disposal work when it's out. He seems like he's very grumpy. I don't work well with grumpy and temperamental people.

It feels like people in general around me are in bad moods. Maybe it's because of the weather. Also I had been reading an article about Existential Depression on Psych Central. I feel like it's very fitting to me.

I haven't been taking care of myself lately. There's too much going on and I'm struggling to cope.
I've been bottling up my feelings and making myself emotionally numb by using self-destructive behaviors; which only made things worse.
It's hard to break this cycle but if I manage to make it through today without using unhealthy coping mechanisms, it will be easier to keep doing it on the following days.
I woke up early this morning and I've been thinking of what's been making me feel this way. I've been trying to avoid to think about it for weeks, but I should allow myself to feel the pain in order to let it go.
I'm constantly feeling the urge to do something impulsive to numb the pain, but I'm choosing to take care of myself today. It's gonna be a hard day but I'm determined to make a change

for once in my life, I actually hoped for some sleep yesterday (really rough day)

but alas,

none

and so begins your boring average wednesday

Sounds like a good list of accomplishments. Wishing you another positive, productive day.

Feel low today, trying to concentrate on studying but its so difficult.

I guess you could say I am feeling sorry for myself?

I see other people who are not nice people getting what they want but I have to struggle and fight for what I want.

I have no motivation, on a go slow.....classic depressive mood

really low day.

made up of binging, stocking up on candy, and being triggered by something I chose to watch

uggg

I'm so tired today. I'm afraid to go to my T appointment, I just have this overwhelming feeling that nothing will change after it. I just want someone to help me, but I don't know what to do. It all just feels so hopeless today.

My cat of nearly 8 years is most likely dying...

I'm sick of being me. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of having to explain myself to everyone, all the time. I just want to be myself and not have people in my business all the time. I'm so sick of everyone knowing everything that's wrong with me.

Back at the same old bad habits.
I keep trying to break this cycle but it's getting worse everyday...

I can't even figure out how the heck I feel.

I feel hurt. I've been trying to make myself emotionally numb and keep myself distracted all the time so I didn't have to deal with these feelings. But I can feel it now.
I think it's a good thing that I can at least realize this. Now I should stop trying to run away from it, I guess.
It's really hard but I will never get over it if I keep trying to ignore my feelings all the time.
I need some time alone and think.
I'm making a new music playlist and going to the gym early in the morning because it's more quiet then and it usually helps me to feel 'in touch with myself'. I'm feeling low and it will be hard to leave the house, but I guess it will be for the better.

Still no major improvement - cant find joy in anything.

I feel lousy in the morning, buy that will ease up, it I just begin the day and press on.